Feeling defeated - I need to eat MORE?

I've been looking at everything wrong, lately. It's so hard sometimes to get the fact that scale results do NOT equal success. I've been feeling so run down and bad lately, topped with the fact my weight is wavering between 236.5 and 239.5 for the past 6 weeks I've been feeling so defeated.

http://www.bmrcalculator.org/

I learned that, according to a BMR calculating website, that I burn 1774 calories simply 'existing'. I gave my diet a relatively thorough once-over to figure out where I land with my calories and I normally hit what I thought was a rather sensible 1200(ish) calories per day. I often run a little bit low, but 1200 is normally the magic number when I eat whatever I want, however I want, as often as I want.

It seems the plateau might actually be caused by me not eating enough - what a fun adventure THIS will be. I can see I'm not eating enough fat, nor am I eating anywhere near enough protein. I take a multivitamin and have gotten slightly better in my hydration department, but It's so overwhelming figuring out what to eat to get my healthy fats and protein up. Nut butter is the obvious choice, but I'm honestly not all that keen on it...and the last thing I want to do is start measuring food, adding calories and keeping a food journal. That's just the kind of thing that puts me OFF wanting to lose weight and stick with it!

www.freedieting.com/tools/calorie_calculator.htm

So what is a girl to do? I'm not seeing any inches lost, I'm not seeing an pounds lost, so obviously something has to give. I need to figure out a change of pace and a different tactic to come at this issue with head on. There's only so long I can keep going like this before my body, which is apparently being starved, decides that enough is enough and puts me out of commission. I did a "how many calories should I be eating?" calculator online and have found that it suggests I zig-zag cycle around 1900 calories PER DAY. Oh my goodness. I'd need to eat ALL day long! Any suggestions on high calorie, healthy fat foods that pack a healthy punch? I have to try something before I give up.

Another thing I've noticed, which I wanted to blog a bit about, was the fact that whenever I am typing my weight out I always start in the 300's. 338 is something I typed several times just earlier. I have gotten so used to a certain way of looking at myself, so uncomfortably comfortable in a certain role that I automatically place myself there. I wonder how long until that changes...

All for today,

Eggs out.

Walking up a (small) storm!

Hubby&I in March '05. At approximately 265lbs.

I've been working as best as I can on increasing distance and endurance so that when the time is right I'll be able to get a really good jogging (and then running!) routine. I read somewhere online that the best way to train for running as a complete running n00b is to begin the process with walking, and aiming for distance rather than speed to help your muscles get all kinds of strong and long-lasting to help you power through the runs later on.
I've begun introducing a steady jog into my routine, where for no reason I'll break into a jog at least three times to help get my heart rate up and test out my running legs.
 

Elly&I in March '04. At approximately 245lbs.

My legs are getting stronger, I'm getting stronger and I can carry myself further. Walking is great fun! Below is my chart of record for the week, showing that I've walked 19.3M this week, versus having only walked 9.5M last week. Things are picking up...I really hope to bust out of this plateau, and soon! Got a 236.5 lbs on the scale this morning that means I'm down a little bit, even if it isn't as much as I'd usually like to see I guess I can accept it.

Week 2 M-F
Mar 14 - 3.7
Mar 15 - 2.5
Mar 16 - 4.5
Mar 17 - 2.4
Mar 18 - 2.4
Mar 19 - 3.8

Total Miles (Mon-Sat): 19.3
Approximate Calories Burned: 2509

Weight: 236.5lbs

Eggs out.

Monthly Weigh-in!

So tonight I went to Curves and did my monthly weigh in. Considering the facts of life as they are right now (Hormones, stress, post-cruise, etc) I'm actually quite happy with my achievements this month! It's no ten pounds, but it's something and it is something in the positive direction. A bit concerned about the fact my body fat percentage has gone up. I need to do some serious reading and figure out exactly what a "Body fat percentage" and how that relates to my overall health. My husband and I were discussing this in the car today and trying to relate the body fat percentage to weight loss and both getting confused, so clearly the idea here is to do some independent research. Since I started at Curves in June 2010 I've lost 5.7% body fat percentage, and as far as weight loss is concerned I've lost 22.5% of myself! That's just looking back as far as Curves. Since I started losing weight since my highest recorded weight (331 pounds) I've lost 28.2% of myself! I don't even really know how to put into words my feelings in regards to that kind of accomplishment. Yeesh..overwhelming at times. I'm also creeping closer and closer to my 100 pounds lost party. I need to start planning it because sometime this month I have a feeling that I'll hit 100 pounds lost and then be stuck twiddling my thumbs in regards to how I'll celebrate.

In other news, however, I've also added another tracking system to my health regimen. I'm going to record and update my miles walked per day, and keep a ticker I'll update once weekly to reach my goal of having walked 500 miles! I wonder how long at my regular pace of 2(ish) miles per week day will take me to hit 500. I guess I'll have to walk every day. I never realized how truly amazing walking was for your health. Just simple, straight-up walking. I plug my mp3 player into my ears, pack the baby up into the stroller, and go out for a walk on a route I measured using Google Maps so it's a reliable measurement of the distance I've traveled. I've started walking Monday - Friday (weather permitting) so let's see where this goes! :)

I guess that's all the update I have for you now - Stay healthy.

Eggs out.

Wacky, Wild and Wonderful!

Happy couple on our happy day!

These past weeks were somewhat of a whirlwind, and full of delectable treats to tantalize my taste buds. Cliche after cliche right there, huh? YOU BETCHA. The entire whirlwind started with preparations for our renewal of the vows ceremony to commemorate 5 years of wedded happiness. It has certainly had its ups and its downs, but ultimately I think the entire marriage thing to be a positive experience that has left me emotionally richer for having been in it.

Nassau, Bahamas

The whirlwind began, as whirlwinds always do, with preparing for the arrival of out-of-country family. My mother, to be exact, and her new boyfriend in tow. After, and before, that there was shopping and preparing to do for an entire Renewal of the Vows ceremony that we did all of the food and decoration creating for ourselves.  Busy, busy busy! After that (as in, the day immediately after that) we went on a one week vacation to the Bahamas and basked in the sunshine and warm waters. I went swimming in February. What a lark!

Mahi Mahi with olive oil, carrot, red potatoes and broccoli

The entire cruise centered around food. The eating, digesting, and eating of more food.We dined as often, and as free, in a gourmet dining room.  We dined as often as we wished morning, noon and night at the buffet, pizzeria and more. I gained a lot of weight (approximately 4 pounds - sticking me right back around 244 pounds) due to my overindulgence - Even though I only ate fruit and veg most of the time, it's amazing what a severe shock to your dietary system can do. I don't quite know what to say about it, because that is essentially one month's worth of hard work down the drain. We had fun though, and had an adventure. It was lovely, and I'm right back on track now. Back to the Eat to Live detox stage, getting rid of the salt and processed carbs I overate of during the cruise, and out walking and getting real exercise rather than the easy peasy strolls we were taking around the ship and the Bahamas.  Today I had a 1.6M walk, and yesterday a 2.4M walk. BACK. ON. TRACK :)

Eggs out.

A Complete 180 - Bully Awareness

When I hit 180 lbs I will be having a party. I'm not sure of the details just yet, but I *will* be having a party. It will probably be in July, if I can somehow continue to lose 10lbs per month since I'm only 50lbs away from this monumental goal!

As a weebie! Aren't I so cute?

Why the party, you ask? Well 180lbs has so many meanings as I discovered last night whilst talking with my husband. 180 is a sore number to me because in sixth grade, during our trip to commemorate our last year of grade school, we went to Ski Martock, in Atlantic Canada. At the ski counter they need to calibrate your set of rental ski/snowboard/etc to your specific weight, and I remember the shame and leaning over the counter to whisper "180 pounds..." to the man doing the calibrations as all my classmates looked on.

So, 180lbs will take me back to my last absolutely known weight in the 100's. In seventh grade I had steadily climbed over 200lbs, and honestly my weight was completely lost to me during that time. I remember dating someone in seventh grade, before he became 'popular' and after I dumped him and moved on he fell in with the more popular crowd...I still remember sitting on the bus three years later and having his friends tease him about how he and I had gone out, and they called out to me to confirm. From the pleading look in his eyes I knew he didn't want me to say anything, and as much as that was a smack in the face I decided to roll my eyes, tell them all to fuck off with a flick of a finger, and go back to my mp3 player. I neither confirmed, nor denied..I put it in his hands to deal with it and I don't have to guess very hard that he vehemently denied it having ever happened.

Brownies! Before weight had taken hold.

I was always the butt of every joke and always the least athletic. I was never, ever, truly happy. My mother has asked me before, probably rhetorically, what ever was 'so really wrong with my life' as I was struggling with depression/acting out....and that's the answer. Cold-hearted bullies that beat me down, beat my self-confidence into a pulp, and then continued to torment me until I forgot how to cry anymore. I was so into the habit of being large and being picked on that nothing ever seemed like it could change. I eventually had a reliable group of friends, and a boyfriend, that made me feel more secure and things stayed good. After he and I broke up, he being what I'd consider my first 'true love' I hit a downward spiral unlike anything I have ever experience. That first love was everything to me at the time, and still weighs so heavily on my heart. The group of friends was torn in two, and everything you'd expect from a bad breakup occurred. I think my heart really did break..not in the parting, but in the refusal to ever speak to me again, something he has remained steadfast to until this day.

My..what a walk down memory lane. I was horribly bullied and tormented, worse than anyone would ever have known (since I didn't mention much). I lashed out at everyone, I lashed out at myself, I wanted so desperately to crawl out of my skin that I had dreams, that to others seemed like nightmares, of being able to take a blade and peel my skin off like the layers of an onion until the only thing left was a white, gleaming skeleton. A skeleton I could rest in the grass, and let be absorbed by the earth.

My Aunt's wedding. Before weight had really taken hold.

I wasn't emo, I was horribly depressed. I was horribly imbalanced. I had no sense of self, and I struggled with this for years. I wanted to suffer because I felt that was truly all I deserved. I started fights with my family because I felt their persecution was what I deserved.

I hated...everything.

Portia, pictured left, helped me reclaim a piece of 'me'.

I'm better now, but reaching 180lbs to me is a driven mission; a goal I must accomplish and must accomplish as soon as possible. At my largest a friend of mine dragged me to NAAFA meetings where I learned to love/accept myself at my fattest..and truly accepting myself is what made losing weight to be healthier possible. Through her horrible suicide, the one I witnessed firsthand, seeing her blood cover the wall and the smell of gunpowder fill the room...it changed me. It freed me from the prison I'd built around myself, and so I started..slowly to reclaim what it was that makes me me. Slowly, at first, I reclaimed my mental and emotional stability. And now I'll be damned to hell if I let anyone stand in the way of me reclaiming my physical stability.

Please, teach your children not to be bullies. Teach them not to be soul-murdering, heart-breaking bullies. Bullies do nothing but destroy everything they touch, they leave no happy memories, no sweet smiles....they leave nothing but a thick slice of pain and hatred and continue to stomp their victims into the ground long after they're gone from the victim's life.


180? Here I come.

Eggs out.

Mall Scores: Product Reviews

Fear the Shoes! Fila "Sculpt-And-Tone" in Silver/Purple.

So, yesterday we we went out to a local shop at Potomac Mills Mall and I found two great new scores! A pair of new sneakers, akin to the Sketchers "Shape-Ups", with the rocker sole. I call it a rocker sole for lack of knowing what else to call it, but I think that sums it up nicely.

I ended up paying $29.99+taxes for this pair of shoes, which I think is an awesome price considering the Shape-Up's run $59.99 or higher, depending on what options you choose and from which retailer you purchase them. The theory behind this shoe is that when you walk your heel sinks into the heel of the sole, it's softer there, and I think what Fila/Sketchers/Etc ultimately wants the consumer to feel is an experience like walking in sand. I have to say that based on my personal experience there is no sand-walking similarity (and boy is walking long distances in sand HARD, or what?!) and that I have noticed no extreme advance in my workout or toning whilst walking in these shoes. In their defense, however, I will note that I find them very stylish (Eeee! Purple,black and silver!), very comfortable (like walking on clouds. Perfectly cushioning to the foot), and very good at helping you keep the pace up and not fall behind (the rocker bottom helps to propel you forward, but not in an awkward way that makes you feel like you're falling.)

New dress, with new Cacique bra.

The second item I procured was a new dress in a very happy, very springy, very not-black colour! Long live teal on fair-skinned individuals, right? The idea behind the dress was to have something nice to wear on the cruise which is only one week away! I also procured a new bra (since I had shrunk out of all of my other ones, and only had ones that were too small left!). The new bra is wonderful, and I got it from Cacique at Lane Bryant. I highly recommend this line, because at least in my experience, they last a long time, don't warp or change shape and most importantly? They hold everything up where it belongs..which is nice ;)

Tonight I am headed to a friend's house to see if she can help me take in my wedding dress. It's at least one size, if not two, too big, and I doubt that rigging it with safety pins will last the entire day on Saturday when my husband and I go to renew our vows together. Plus I'm taking it on the cruise with me..I can't imagine a more dreamy location for wedding dress pictures than a beach in the Bahamas!

Eggs out.

Weighing In On The Issues: Weightloss and Family

Several of my friends are also losing weight, many right alongside with me. By that I mean that we give each other daily or every-other-daily updates on how we're doing and what we're doing that seems to work. Recently I've found great success with simply adding in as much walking as I can physically manage! Once the blisters subside and heal, I'm left with a firmer butt, and firmer thighs. Who on earth could complain about that? ;) That plateau I was facing a few days back was something I broke through with dramatic flourish, and as of this morning weighed-in at my all-time low of 243.5 pounds - Wahey! Since I started my weightloss efforts I've lost 32.5 inches overall and 86.2 pounds

Anyway, so back to my related musings. The issue a lot of my friends are facing are things like well-meaning saboteur's within their family, people with weight-loss complexes imposing their ideas of what 'healthy weight loss' should be, and then dealing with the Negative Nancy that insists an eating disorder must be the reason for the recent accomplishments because my friend's willpower is assumed to be non-existent. I wonder how these friends of mine combat these issues, while still remaining positive. I should ask, because as much as it is my job to listen I think that learning how to handle the people in life that are offering damaging influence is also very important. I don't know why some people have this *need* to sabotage others, and then get upset about how unhealthy they are! It seems so counter-productive. :(

The biggest issue I find, based on what I hear, seems to be almost like the people surrounding those losing weight are either a bit jealous of the results (but not so jealous as to put the work in themselves), or they don't know how to face the changes for the better that the other person is making. Either way, it seems like the issues the friends and family are facing are all completely focused on issues they have within themselves.

Yesterday was the once-monthly weigh-in at the gym! The numbers are looking GREAT. I was a bit concerned, but I managed to pull off a very solid 9.6 pounds of weight loss, and 9.25" overall inch-loss!
I was definitely concerned about the blood pressure, which seems to be running high...but I initially got three error messages before that result popped up and the person taking it told me it might very well be a false reading. Who knows! I hope the ol' ticker is holding up to the stress of weight loss, but it has so far so I really don't have any reason to suspect those numbers are anything but 'off'. The one thing I love BEST about the chart to the left? Check out the thighs, arms and waist! Three places I find it VERY hard to lose inches, and yet the inches just flew off this past month. WAHEY!

Hope you are having a wonderful, sabotage-free evening!

Eggs out.