Starward Dreamer - Daily Affirmations

There was once a little girl, fat and afraid. She dreamed about making friends. She dreamed about running and playing without being judged for inability. She even dared to dream that she might eat without scathing glances from a public audience.

Eyes were everywhere, always. She couldn't jump the large pond as all the other children did. Instead she landed with an ungracious splat right in the middle of it. The butt of every joke, drawn to gross proportions in art class, and unhappy.

My life sucked. Bullies suck. Those that truly loved me were few and far between, but I am forever grateful to them. Those that have stood beside me during every step of my own self discovery will go down in the history of my life as something completely amazing.

I type this entry with fingers half the thickness they used to be. I sit cross-legged in a chair in a manner I never could before. I have dreams for the future. I don't need anyone to hold my hand on this journey anymore. I don't need someone telling me what to do, or how to live, or what has to happen for me to be happy.

I have self-actualized my life. I am empowered. I will never stop.

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Catch Me If You Can...

April 14, 2012: 5 Mile Walk for MS (Free, untimed event in support of multiple sclerosis)

April 28, 2012: 10k Walk for Fitness (Free, untimed event in memory of a fallen firefighter) Woodbridge

May 6, 2012: May Day 5K (Timed event, entry fee $20) Lake Ridge

May 19, 2012: Falcon 5k (Timed event, entry fee $20) Woodbridge

Medifast: 4 Weeks In

I've been having some success with Medifast, and then no success with it. This past week I only lost half a pound..but that is still something to be celebrated. I think when I started this journey I had so many intentions to completely transform who I was without help.

I realize now that that would have been impossible. I did it all through hard effort and sheer determination, but it's impossible to do anything so monumental without support. People encouraging me on Facebook and sending me awesome messages about how inspirational they feel I am, and all that have really helped keep me focused on continuing to perform.

That kind of support and help is something I'd like to pass on to others so Robert and I have been talking about me getting a degree in Hollistic health as a nutritionist. I think I could be awesome at this and am excited about the opportunity. There are some fine details to hash out but, in the end, this will probably be an awesome thing for our family!

A Magical March Weigh-In

 It's been hard to keep up with where I am lately. I don't feel like posting all the time like I was before when I was in charge of what I was doing. When I was doing an iso-caloric approach to eating I was taking every little thing I ate into consideration and really invested in my diet and exercise routine. Now that I'm doing Medifast I feel a little distant, almost like I've traded active investment for passive investment. I'm obviously invested enough to eat the products and write in the journal...but am I invested  enough to feel like this is me making these successes happen, rather than these successes happening because someone else did all the brain-work to make sure my body would respond in a particular way.

I'm giving it a few more weeks. I want to see how I feel after all is said and done during that time. I might take a break from the program and go back to eating real, fresh, true foods and see if that can help me out at all.

Success is success: Truth. Success by any means necessary is still success: Not Truth.

Eggs out
xx

Eating The Elephant

I recently did another photoshoot. A little bit risque, but I really had fun. I was a lot less self conscious than I usually am during such events. Perhaps it was that I was more comfortable with the photographer - or perhaps I was more comfortable in myself...either way I had fun, and I really enjoyed myself. The finished products are lovely for me to see as I feel like I am the Queen of Sheba in them, a lioness. Proud, patient, calm and somehow the deadliest thing you'll ever see. I have goals, and I will make them mine

Medifast has been an adjustment. It is extremely controlled which I don't mind, however I am having a gripe with the fact the food is so processed and pre-prepared. This goes against what I have been doing for overall health for the past two years: Whole, healthy, organic, low gluten, no added salt and the kin. I'm going to finish my Medifast program, it is what I paid for, but I have found I have taken considerable issue with the lack of fresh fruit, beans, veggies and etc.

I think Medifast is awesome for people who need help controlling the fact they eat 8 Big Mac's a day. I don't know that this was the wisest move for someone who already knew what, when and how to eat the right foods for her body. My body weight has crept up, perhaps from the salt? My body fat percentage has plummeted though - exactly 1% in 5 days is pretty much unheard of from me. I might pull that number in a month or more, but never a week. Clearly something is working, but I want to stay true to my origins and get back to actual food as soon as my 13 weeks are up. No use quitting only 3 days in, right?

So last night I took the first step toward accomplishing two more Active 2012 goals. I bought a Groupon to go to a shooting range up in Maryland and try my hand with weapons. After a rather grizzly first-hand exposure to a suicide via shotgun I am nervous about being so near to the instrument of so much grief. I have many gun-loving friends, so to prevent the whole "guns are evil vs. people are evil" debate from rising I'll be truthful and say I'd feel the same way about hunting knives, plastic bags if she had used that. I think I have a lot of unresolved issues and I'm hoping that meeting this enemy in a safe environment with training and spousal support that I'll be able to overcome it and let this chapter of my life finally close. I feel I've given that trauma time to sort itself out, and allowed myself to follow a natural progression of healing. I'm ready to be free of it, some four years later.

The other move forward I made was to sign up for a month's free trial of Muay Thai - Thai boxing. There is so much to learn so many moves. It gets a little confusing at times, but I think I finally got the basics down. I had fun, the thrill of the class stuck with me for almost two hours I got home. I showed Robert all of things I learned and would have happily kept going for another hour if I had the chance. I watched about 45 minutes of a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu class, all that grappling and throwing looked like so much fun. I recommended it to Robert as it seems like something right up his alley.

I hope he's putting as much of himself into Active 2012 as I am, but truth be told it's really my own personal goals and personal adventures. I'm just thankful he's letting me indulge these experiences and coming along with me for a good portion of them. Here's to good husbands!

Eggs out.
xx

Meeting Goals and Changing Life

Today was an interesting day for a few different reasons. First off I started Medifast. They guarantee that if I follow their plan exactly I'll be my goal weight (130lbs) in 13 weeks. So far I've felt hungry - I'm used to so much more food. I'm not used to so much sugar (or sweet tasting stuff), I'm not used to the sheer amount of sodium. So far I've eaten more than I should have (ate an extra piece of celery with salsa, some pecans and a piece of gum) and I'm just wondering how well this will work for me in the long-run.

Today, the first day on a new way of eating, was probably also a bad day to meet an Active 2012 goal. I swam for an hour straight, burning almost 500 calories during that time. Considering I'm eating between 800-1000 calories you can see my calorie-net was low. I'm in for the long haul though, so one way or the other I will do this and will hopefully end up successful. A few thousand dollars is not chump change, as they say.

Robert is doing the Medifast program as well. He, unlike me, is much better at parsing out his meals so that they last him though the night. I need to learn to not cram it all in at morning meals, and then find myself so hungry in the night. BUT - another goal accomplished! Only 22 to go.

As with anything new this is worth giving an honest shake. Let's see where this takes us!

Eggs out
xx

Becoming A Warrior - Rar!

"I want this. It is mine and I will take it."

A warrior's stance, a soldier's driving force. There is a goal, a mission, something to capture and seize. Something to possess and then guard with your life. Do I sound a little bit melodramatic to you when I say "guard with your life"? I think that statement cheapens nothing, I think it exalts that one thing worth protecting: Happiness.

Without it, what is a life worth? Without it, or the struggle to capture it, what is a life worth? Without the hope of it, the knowledge of it - what is a life worth? We are outraged by war acts in third world countries, we are outraged by rapes and crimes against others. We are shocked and dismayed that someone might kill another person over a measly pair of sneakers...

And yet how are we not outraged that we often hate ourselves? Loathe ourselves? Harm ourselves, even kill ourselves? Wish we were anything but what we are? Why, instead, do we take on the issues of the world when we are so unhappy within ourselves that we are incapable of bringing change. We become toxic, we lose our fight, we lose our will and we submit to a life without happiness we bring about for ourselves.

There is a war. Perhaps I do sound melodramatic, but I call it as I see it. There is a war and it is time for everyone to put on their best defenses and gain a good offense. It's time we stopped letting society batter us into unhappiness and it's time we took by force that which I believe all humans have entitlement to: Happiness. There will be no prisoners in this war of mine, and I wish for every other person fighting that they take no prisoners as well.

As long as my happiness will not harm and damage others I will do whatever I can to possess it. I have gone so long without it that sometimes I feel starved, and I find ways to gorge myself on it. Happiness is an addiction that is worth having and worth spreading to others. I will fight back, I will fight hard, and I will fight strong because I am strong, I am capable and I am worthy,

I feel empowered to be able to say: "I want this, it is mine and I will take it" about my life. There is nothing more beautiful than knowing, and getting, what you want because you earn it and you deserve it.

Getting off to a good start...

Another one of my personal goals, not listed on the previous entry, is to spend more time with my family as a family. Experiencing things together and showing the children all the awesome opportunities they truly have. I don't want to be a couch potato family, or a tv family. I want to spend quality time doing quality things. Sometimes it's so easy to feel overwhelmed or tired and to just 'need to decompress' but sitting rather than doing, and I want to make sure the kids learn that getting out and having fun is the best way to go. The best way for them to learn that is for Robert and I to set that as an example.

Today we went skating and it was SO FUN. Blake didn't really think too much about the ice, it was something he found slippery and wasn't overly keen on. He tried his best, and then got tired of it so instead he rode around the rink a few times balance on my hip.

Personally, I haven't skated since I was thirteen or so. Possibly a little younger, truth be told I can't really remember. I do know that I was really uncomfortable in skates for the first fifteen minutes and wanted to give up after Elysia started acting out in frustration of not being able to 'get it'. We all stuck with it though and eventually we all got it. Blake had to leave the rink but Robert and I switched off with him so the other could have a turn on the ice. Elysia skated for two hours straight and was really amazing. She went from grasping onto the boards for dear life, to being comfortable enough to skate out on the ice and around those on the boards in front of her. There were a few spills and falls, but she managed to recover and keep going after each one.

It was a wonderful day, and something so special to share as a family!

Eggs out

xx