On The Other Side Of The Binge

Today was a spectacular day of indulgence. Dare I say - A spectacular binge day. I ate every source of refined sugar and carbs I could get my hands on. French fries, frozen custard, pancakes and french toast covered in strawberry preserves, Waldorf salad, ice cream and German chocolate cake. I've been hurting to just 'be' for so long that I decided something, that I'll address in a minute.

I've got some things going on, personally and emotionally, that I'm not willing to share with the public that read my blog. I might face it some day, but today is not my day. Instead I'll keep these personal things that are happening quiet to a small group and work on improving the bigger picture for myself. Tonight I wrote poetry, something I had not done in over a decade. It was calming to go again to that happy place. Yesterday I attended a really interesting cooking class organized by my place of employment and hosted at the local Wegmans supermarket at their bistro bar.

I've been carrying on with my belly dance classes. My weekly schedule is facing a shift - I've never attended a class on my own before and I worry that once the regularly scheduled classes might be faced without the lovely company of the friend I've been attending with. The true test will be class this Tuesday, which I must attend alone since she will be out of town. If I manage to not talk myself out of going alone I think I'm going to keep paying for the classes, even after the end of the discounted 3 months program I purchased. I love going, and I love dancing. It makes me feel happy within myself to be able to perform such exotic dance moves without being overly erotic. I like the way I feel in my own skin (for the most part), but have also decided that it would be better without all the extra skin I have flapping around. I've also begun work on organizing my children's beautification program to raise personal and social responsibility in our youth. I'm keeping myself busy, but for the most part it has been stress free. And then today happened.

Today I had a many hour long intensive conversation with some family members. It brought many things up, and to light. For the most part I'd say it wasn't stressful, but was certainly more stress than I'm used to. I can't tell if it was my own stress, or my empathic nature feeding off of the stress and anxiety of those around me. I realized how often I've encountered discrimination in my life, even from the unlikeliest of sources. It used to make me feel like I never measured up, and I feel like that stayed with me even now. This is my own problem, my own issue to address - to own - to conquer, but it sometimes gets in my head how easily my perfect life can be corrupted by intolerance.

Regardless, this morning I decided something. I decided that I was going to eat what I wanted, when I wanted, in the quantity I liked today. I've found a natural urge to eat gross quantities of food, to the point the hunger-centers in my brain simply switch off and stop trying to warn me. I eat to the point of no return, and today I let it happen. I stopped fighting my body's demands, and I feel sick. I accomplished everything I wanted. I hope that the over-indulgence today will stop these screaming cravings I've encountered and will leave me feeling more whole and refreshed.

I plan on detoxing soon - getting my body rid of all the aspartame, frankenfoods, Monsato GMO's, preservatives and MSG that I've had this ongoing relationship with since I started Medifast. I'm going back to Eat to Live, now that I can tolerate a higher quantity of carbs without a huge rebound, and I'm going to start repairing the damage I caused tonight as soon as I wake tomorrow. I hope to find a refreshed perspective when I wake up on the other side of the binge.

I must own my life. I must take back control, in a more moderate fashion. As cave divers often say: "A successful dive is one you return from" - and I think this saying applies to the quest for health, as well.

Eggs out
xx

Just Came To Say Hello~!

Boring dietary update, woo! I managed to eat 17 grams of fat today - which actually involved me putting peanut butter on a spoon and sitting and eating it. Bleh. I've been doing this for the past three days because I have to in order to cycle my diet from low fat (8grams or less), to less-low fat (25 grams - ha! Like I ever meet that.)

With concerted effort I only managed to get up to 17 grams. I'm not complaining, because it's how I prefer to eat, but it gets frustrating that I stuff my face all day and then still see I can't hit 25 grams without putting a hunk of fat (peanut butter) in my body. I need to get some salmon and higher fat fishes.

On the upside I have amazing gallbladder/liver/kidney health. My colonic health is vastly improved from where it was, and I've got fruits, veggies and (some) beans/legumes back in my diet. I'm taking it slow with beans to avoid rebound (no more than 1/8c per day right now). Trying to wean back off the animal proteins and replace those with the carb-filled vegetable proteins.

I was never happier than when I ate fish but once a month, never touched cheese, ate egg white perhaps 3 times a month and called it a day. Beans, veggies, fruit and ground flax for a healthy dose of fat. The recovery from Medifaast is slow, but I am getting there! I can't complain since I did the damage to myself, but am quite happy that recovery is moving forward.

I've managed to maintain weight at +/- 155lbs for the past 4 months. I've been as high as 164 and as low as 149 in that time. It depends on what I'm doing, but generally speaking for the past month's time my morning weights are 155-157 pounds. I need to get some new batteries in my handheld analyzer so I can tape/measure/analyze and see where my body stacks up to where it has been in the past.

I'm a teensy bit sad that I don't have ask much to update in my blog anymore..feels like I'm letting a dear friend down - but I think I've started to outgrow that relationship and that is a good thing, even if a bit heartbreak-y :)

I get to go camping in two weeks time with a good friend. I will be crossing off two, or possibly three, things from my Active 2012 list. This upcoming month is going to be an amazing one. I've been happier, dancing more at home, I've been taking Thursday nights to have time with a friend belly dancing and then catching up over tea, getting out, and playing in my life.

I am finally coming into my own.

Eggs out
xx

Back In The Saddle (Again)

So, Robert made some good points recently. Among them are that I am never quite so happy and strong as when I am working out. Not just strong physically, but strong emotionally. I feel empowered, capable and, at times, simply vicious.

Making Soy Bacon/Caramel Sundaes

In the past four days, I've worked out hard during three of them. I've been alternating strength training with pretty aggressive cardio. I haven't been burning as many calories per session as I had been in my peak, but Friday saw me burn 467 calories (plus unknown number of calories burned during strength training), Saturday saw me burn 368 calories (plus unknown strength training calories burned), Sunday I took as a rest/high carb day, and then today I started my morning with a nice work out. I hit the Cybex machine, a stair stepping elliptical of sorts, and burned 554 calories (not including whatever I burned during strength training). It was pretty fun to be getting out and really feeling like I'm making a difference in my body. After working out, I had lunch with the children and then we went to the swimming pool for almost 2 hours. Another +/-150 calories there. Boy, it adds up.

On Thursdays I've also been doing belly dance with a friend at Magnificent Belly Dance in Manassas, VA. It's been calming and soothing at the same time as being challenging and fun. The time spent with a friend and connecting with another mother/adult is also great for one's emotional state.

It has been an uplifting past week. I'm making progress toward a healthier and happier me.

Eggs Out
xx

An Honest Exchange

This person is a person I see so much of myself in, mirrored back at me, that sometimes talking to them can cause severe discomfort. Working through it, because they are important to me, but we had a dialogue on a social media website about food addiction. I want to remember it forever.

Holly **************

15 minutes ago near Woodbridge · 

• Food addiction can be compared to an opiate addiction. I knew food could be addictive, but I didn't know just how much...

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  • 
    

    AS, CB and MG like this
  • • 
      
    • **** Just about anything can give you a dopamine fix--
      especially if your body doesn't make enough.
    • 
      

      ME: It makes me sad for the younger me that didn't know there
      

      were people who could help, and the current me who is struggling
      after feeding an addiction for so long :( Only one way to go from
      here though I guess. People understand drug and cigarette and
      alcohol addictions. A lot harder to get understanding and empathy
      for a food addiction. "Stop being fat, fatty!" - something I saw on a
      forum for overeaters before. Heh. disheartening :)
    • 
      

      ME: Also, in losing weight I'm realizing how broken things underneath
      the surface are, and have been, for so long Battling an addiction...yeesh!
      What an impossible thing it seems sometimes. Seriously never knew it
      could be compared to opiate addiction though. That's brutal.
    • **** Yeah, if you don't have a traditional eating disorder, it's easy to
      dismiss. That's unfortunate, because all disordered eating needs recognition.
    • **** ‎*hugs* Sending you a little strength. I'm a dopamine addict,
      myself, and food is one of the ways I have fed that addiction.
    • 
      

      ME: direction* And thanks. Wishing you as much success in battling
      your own demons. I've said it before and shall say it again..it's hard
      to believe how many skeletons can fit in one lil' ol' person.

It's Not All Victories

Sometimes I feel like I need to avoid the blog because I'm not performing well enough. I worry that by admitting I've been struggling that I'm undoing the bravado and vigor with which I've attacked weight loss to this point. I worry that people might even think less of me for not being invulnerable to a normal, human condition. I don't know why, as it isn't like I surround myself with horrible judgmental people (at least not on purpose). I realized something though, watching an Extreme Makeover: Weight loss edition episode and that is that I can't have all victories. I need to learn to respond to the losses appropriately, and learn how to fight back even harder against 'regular life' adversity. I'm entering a new stage of my weight loss, and it's even more daunting than losing weight.

Losing weight is the active phase, where every month is an action to further a goal. A competition with the previous month's numbers. I learned to absolutely thrive on that. Now I've entered a passive stage of my journey, where there is no competition - only moderation. I've learned I don't thrive on moderation, I thrive on extremes and this knowledge means I've started looking for the 'Next Great Thing'. The next great thing for me to focus on so I can indulge the part of me that thrives on pushing harder, going stronger, and winning. Some would encourage me to mediate my extremes, learn to pull back and set my march to a more even tune but I think if I've been this way for as long as I have, and this successful doing it, I might as well continue with it! As Dr. Phil says - Is it working for you? Because if you keep doing it, it must be!

Well, he's right. People who can't lose weight aren't doing what is working. I figured out a part of my personality that needs to be indulged, nurtured and encouraged for me to be successful. I'm done trying to be 'even-kiltered' like 'everyone else'. I'm tired of trying to find a happy medium, moderation and stability. I guess learning this crucial aspect of my personality has been the single most important thing I've learned during this entire journey

The weight loss was incidental to learning to be who I truly am. Learning to breathe through the losses, and learning that it is okay to be a high-energy, perfectionist, over-achiever that also has days that are unproductive (well, as long as there aren't too many of them!) I've learned that I've been comparing myself to people I know, other mothers, other overweight people, other people in similar situations...but that their situation is not my situation. I'm also learning to be content with my accomplishments...it is a process. In so many ways I feel so much more successful than those people I used to compare myself to. Their lives have remain unchanged, stagnant - and that might please them and give them the greatest sense of satisfaction and happiness that they deserve, but then I look at my life:

My life is full of pepper, fire and a swirling nest of red ants. Ups and downs, learning to take as much care of myself as I try to take of others and learning that it is okay to be me.

Some questions I need to find the answers to: When did I stop caring about me? What was the worst experience of being big? Most people that are obese have a plethora of excuses...what were mine? What was the moment I decided to stop making excuses? Do I have the determination and the stubbornness to see this through to the end? Let's see. I'm so close to this blog coming to an end - a blog to detail the active phase of my weight loss and just touch on the passive phase. I've decided that on December 31, 2012 I will say good-bye to this friend with a final update (hopefully with answers to the above questions, and an Active 2012 update), a final weigh-in, and a final farewell.

In closing: "What you decide to do is going to define who you are." - Chris Powell

Eggs out, for now...
xx

Thursday As My Bond-Mate

I've spent the past six months hopping from idea to idea, scheme to scheme, point to point like a bad 1940's film about a man just trying to get on the 'next big idea' with his get rich quick schemes. I couldn't figure out why I was feeling so pressured to keep lifting roots every time I'd planted them, but I figured out last night that this is simply my own "Darkest Hour." I've been hopping because I've been sad. At my heaviest I don't ever remember being this sad. Perhaps time has mitigated the damage, perhaps I simply don't remember the pain in the same way, but I don't remember feeling exactly this same way.

I remember feeling hopeless and lost, but what I feel now is so much worse: Purposeless. For two years I've dedicated the entirety of being on this one, single project and now that my project is coming to a close I'm left remembering how good it felt to be eyeball-deep in the project's inception. How amazing the adrenaline rushes were when I was beating records I'd previously kept.

I've so meticulously kept this blog that when I look back through the pages I only see happy memories. Excitement about a fridge full of food has turned into a floundering disdain. Happiness with my shrinking body has turned into uncertainty. Choices so simple, so straightforward got complicated somewhere along the way. Interest turned into something nearing obsession and that, naturally, always changes the lens through which a person's view is seen.

I am sad with how my life has changed these past six months. I wouldn't be happier if I were a larger person, that would be too easy a fix. Instead I've come to terms with the facts that I have excavated the coffin I had managed to keep buried under hundreds of pounds of extra fat for my entire life - from preteen to adult. I just got this body, just worked so hard for it, only to discover that 1) I don't like it, and 2) I now have to deal with the skeletons in my closet. There's nothing more annoying than getting a degree in a field for 2+ years, only to find once you're done it doesn't actually help you at all.

I don't have regrets, I don't feel like I have excuses either. I just have a deep, thrumming sadness over many things. How I let myself get so big that I even needed a plastic surgery consult. Was the years of reckless eating worth it? Was I happier then? My relationship with food was certainly a different one, but it was just as unhealthy as it has become.

I can pinpoint the moment that my attitude toward this life changed, and the people that I feel so ruthlessly spearheaded that change. I have moved on from it, but just because we've move on from our past doesn't mean it hasn't also inexplicably changed who we, as people, are.

The consult for plastic surgery went well. I spun, naked, in front of an early middle-aged surgeon that poked, prodded and calipered his way around my body - my temple. My body put out to be judged, to be marked with invisible lines of correction, to see if I even could be corrected. My flaws on display, but worse - my flaws to be corrected by someone else. My entire journey done solo only to be turned over to this man I've never met before. This entire journey done thus far inexpensively now turning into a $28,000 affair. An abdominoplasty because through years of reckless eating my abdominal muscles have drifted. Hernia repair because there are no muscles there to hold things in place as they ought to be held. Inner thigh lift because my skin hangs like curtains of pale, peach meat. A swatch of skin, some 6" tall cut from around my entire midsection, from the front all the way to the back, in a last ditch effort to rid myself of the skin just hanging on to me for dear life. Will it make me happier? I don't think it will.

I felt so caged last night, so unhappy and restless, that I threw clothes on and I ran. I ran, and I ran, and I did not stop. It was dark and I couldn't see, but I still ran. I was trying to run away from all of this sadness cascading down on me, only to realize that no amount of distance will put enough space between me and myself...

Overall I am a happy person. A content person. I feel I am a loving, and giving person. I try to include, not exclude and to tolerate and encourage differences. I am not a bad person, I don't believe - but I am struggling with the consequences of my actions of years past and that is starting to make an already full cup overflow.

A Little Bit Afraid, But A Lot Alright

So this morning heralds in a new stage of my weightless journey: Plastic surgeon's consult. One of the side effects of losing weight, regardless of how much exercise I've done, is that there is going to be extra skin hanging around.  I want to see if it's possible to figure out exactly how many pounds of skin I have hanging around and if I could improve the relationship I have with my body just by making a few changes to it. It's hard to look at yourself in the mirror, see something melted, and feel beautiful. I think a lot of the psychological process of this journey has been dealing with the change in body image. Well, I suppose we'll see!

I've been conquering things off of my Active 2012 list. Most notably the training in, and firing of, a hand gun. In this particular experience my husband and I went to a range, received a safety lesson and crash course in gun operation and then fired off a box of ammo. I did pretty well and didn't have half the reaction as I thought I might. Truth be told the glock has a much different sounding discharge than a shotgun, so I think at some point I'd like to learn how to operate a shotgun, but for now? I'm hooked. I had a ton of fun and Robert and I have been talking about buying a gun for range trips in the future.

Another activity crossed off the list was a trip kayaking or canoeing. Robert and I had a date day (thanks to my inlaws) and after a morning of shooting we hopped back into the Woodbridge area to hit up Lake Ridge Marina for two hours of scenic paddling. We both ended up getting a touch of heatstroke (it got up to 96* Fahrenheit) but I think we both enjoyed ourselves! Robert said it was one of the most fun things he's ever done and I'm so pleased I was the one to be able to give him that experience. So, two things off the list! I forget how many I have left to go, but I'm sure I'll get to them as time allows.

I've been yoyo-ing a lot with my diet lately. Some days I get these horrific carb cravings and just find myself eating everything sweet in sight. I'm not sure if that is a psychological thing, a physical thing, or what? I've been indulging my sweet tooth before I detox it enough out of my system that I stop the cravings. It's a never ending cycle.

At Medifast 3 weeks ago I hit 149.7 on the scale. The following Friday I was 160 on the scale. I dropped down to 154 the following weigh-in, and this one coming I think I'm going to have ended up gaining or maintaining. I've taken myself away from the mentality of losing constantly. I think I'm burnt out, finished even. I was on track 100% yesterday (I ate extra protein to stave off a hungry tummy) but for the most part it might be time to focus on maintenance and physical activity and hope the rest of the weight comes off in time.

Ultimately I just want to be happy with my body. Learning to love yourself is hard...but I'm confident it will be worth it in the end.

Eggs out
xx