On The Other Side Of The Binge

Today was a spectacular day of indulgence. Dare I say - A spectacular binge day. I ate every source of refined sugar and carbs I could get my hands on. French fries, frozen custard, pancakes and french toast covered in strawberry preserves, Waldorf salad, ice cream and German chocolate cake. I've been hurting to just 'be' for so long that I decided something, that I'll address in a minute.

I've got some things going on, personally and emotionally, that I'm not willing to share with the public that read my blog. I might face it some day, but today is not my day. Instead I'll keep these personal things that are happening quiet to a small group and work on improving the bigger picture for myself. Tonight I wrote poetry, something I had not done in over a decade. It was calming to go again to that happy place. Yesterday I attended a really interesting cooking class organized by my place of employment and hosted at the local Wegmans supermarket at their bistro bar.

I've been carrying on with my belly dance classes. My weekly schedule is facing a shift - I've never attended a class on my own before and I worry that once the regularly scheduled classes might be faced without the lovely company of the friend I've been attending with. The true test will be class this Tuesday, which I must attend alone since she will be out of town. If I manage to not talk myself out of going alone I think I'm going to keep paying for the classes, even after the end of the discounted 3 months program I purchased. I love going, and I love dancing. It makes me feel happy within myself to be able to perform such exotic dance moves without being overly erotic. I like the way I feel in my own skin (for the most part), but have also decided that it would be better without all the extra skin I have flapping around. I've also begun work on organizing my children's beautification program to raise personal and social responsibility in our youth. I'm keeping myself busy, but for the most part it has been stress free. And then today happened.

Today I had a many hour long intensive conversation with some family members. It brought many things up, and to light. For the most part I'd say it wasn't stressful, but was certainly more stress than I'm used to. I can't tell if it was my own stress, or my empathic nature feeding off of the stress and anxiety of those around me. I realized how often I've encountered discrimination in my life, even from the unlikeliest of sources. It used to make me feel like I never measured up, and I feel like that stayed with me even now. This is my own problem, my own issue to address - to own - to conquer, but it sometimes gets in my head how easily my perfect life can be corrupted by intolerance.

Regardless, this morning I decided something. I decided that I was going to eat what I wanted, when I wanted, in the quantity I liked today. I've found a natural urge to eat gross quantities of food, to the point the hunger-centers in my brain simply switch off and stop trying to warn me. I eat to the point of no return, and today I let it happen. I stopped fighting my body's demands, and I feel sick. I accomplished everything I wanted. I hope that the over-indulgence today will stop these screaming cravings I've encountered and will leave me feeling more whole and refreshed.

I plan on detoxing soon - getting my body rid of all the aspartame, frankenfoods, Monsato GMO's, preservatives and MSG that I've had this ongoing relationship with since I started Medifast. I'm going back to Eat to Live, now that I can tolerate a higher quantity of carbs without a huge rebound, and I'm going to start repairing the damage I caused tonight as soon as I wake tomorrow. I hope to find a refreshed perspective when I wake up on the other side of the binge.

I must own my life. I must take back control, in a more moderate fashion. As cave divers often say: "A successful dive is one you return from" - and I think this saying applies to the quest for health, as well.

Eggs out
xx

Just Came To Say Hello~!

Boring dietary update, woo! I managed to eat 17 grams of fat today - which actually involved me putting peanut butter on a spoon and sitting and eating it. Bleh. I've been doing this for the past three days because I have to in order to cycle my diet from low fat (8grams or less), to less-low fat (25 grams - ha! Like I ever meet that.)

With concerted effort I only managed to get up to 17 grams. I'm not complaining, because it's how I prefer to eat, but it gets frustrating that I stuff my face all day and then still see I can't hit 25 grams without putting a hunk of fat (peanut butter) in my body. I need to get some salmon and higher fat fishes.

On the upside I have amazing gallbladder/liver/kidney health. My colonic health is vastly improved from where it was, and I've got fruits, veggies and (some) beans/legumes back in my diet. I'm taking it slow with beans to avoid rebound (no more than 1/8c per day right now). Trying to wean back off the animal proteins and replace those with the carb-filled vegetable proteins.

I was never happier than when I ate fish but once a month, never touched cheese, ate egg white perhaps 3 times a month and called it a day. Beans, veggies, fruit and ground flax for a healthy dose of fat. The recovery from Medifaast is slow, but I am getting there! I can't complain since I did the damage to myself, but am quite happy that recovery is moving forward.

I've managed to maintain weight at +/- 155lbs for the past 4 months. I've been as high as 164 and as low as 149 in that time. It depends on what I'm doing, but generally speaking for the past month's time my morning weights are 155-157 pounds. I need to get some new batteries in my handheld analyzer so I can tape/measure/analyze and see where my body stacks up to where it has been in the past.

I'm a teensy bit sad that I don't have ask much to update in my blog anymore..feels like I'm letting a dear friend down - but I think I've started to outgrow that relationship and that is a good thing, even if a bit heartbreak-y :)

I get to go camping in two weeks time with a good friend. I will be crossing off two, or possibly three, things from my Active 2012 list. This upcoming month is going to be an amazing one. I've been happier, dancing more at home, I've been taking Thursday nights to have time with a friend belly dancing and then catching up over tea, getting out, and playing in my life.

I am finally coming into my own.

Eggs out
xx

Back In The Saddle (Again)

So, Robert made some good points recently. Among them are that I am never quite so happy and strong as when I am working out. Not just strong physically, but strong emotionally. I feel empowered, capable and, at times, simply vicious.

Making Soy Bacon/Caramel Sundaes

In the past four days, I've worked out hard during three of them. I've been alternating strength training with pretty aggressive cardio. I haven't been burning as many calories per session as I had been in my peak, but Friday saw me burn 467 calories (plus unknown number of calories burned during strength training), Saturday saw me burn 368 calories (plus unknown strength training calories burned), Sunday I took as a rest/high carb day, and then today I started my morning with a nice work out. I hit the Cybex machine, a stair stepping elliptical of sorts, and burned 554 calories (not including whatever I burned during strength training). It was pretty fun to be getting out and really feeling like I'm making a difference in my body. After working out, I had lunch with the children and then we went to the swimming pool for almost 2 hours. Another +/-150 calories there. Boy, it adds up.

On Thursdays I've also been doing belly dance with a friend at Magnificent Belly Dance in Manassas, VA. It's been calming and soothing at the same time as being challenging and fun. The time spent with a friend and connecting with another mother/adult is also great for one's emotional state.

It has been an uplifting past week. I'm making progress toward a healthier and happier me.

Eggs Out
xx