An Emotional Feeder, An Active Enabler

VA Beach 2010

I'm an enabler. I see this in myself, someone I'd consider to be a 'feeder'. I'll cook these dishes for people with things in it I wish I could eat. I'll make rich cheese sauces, use whole rashers of bacon, white enriched pasta - garbage. There will be something I want to have a taste of, and I'll take a bite of it and then give the other 95% of what I did not finish to my husband, or my children. I never think about it when I'm doing it, but I'm a feeder.
On one hand I love to make the things I think people will like. On the other hand, I'll make myself a meal entirely separate from everyone else. I'll offer treats and things that I've made with love, but when I sit and look at the caloric counts in the foods I prepare it quite actually makes my blood pressure raise.

I can't have it, so someone else must. Or I have it, and I'll partake of a minuscule amount just to give it to someone else. Or, lastly, I'll eat it all until I'm physically ill.

I can't seem to get my mind around the struggles I have with food. I am working, hard, to maintain my weight. Every day is a struggle and a choice, and I do my utmost every day for myself, but when I see the impacts I am having on my husband (specifically) it makes my heart break. He had been doing so good with his weight loss, having gotten into the low 180's. He's back into the mid 190's and it's his fault, but a huge portion of the blame is mine to own. I make him crap. I'm an enabler. I'm a feeder. I'm the worst kind of person to try to be healthy around, which sounds like an oxymoron, but it's the truth.

Putting it down in black and white as part of a record breaks my heart. I'm going to do to those around me what I tried, and failed, to fight for my entire life. I can't imagine how to stop doing it though, because I never know I'm doing it until it's too late. I can't change the world, or make someone else's decisions for them...but I can present them with only the options I'd have for myself in order to help their wellness.

This stage of my weight loss has really caused a lot of introspection into the 'why' of my morbid obesity. The 'why' and how it affected everything. I'm not used to being referred to as 'small'. Someone said I was just a 'bitty' thing and I looked down and felt a moment of heart break. How could they lie to me to my face? My body issues need to stop at me, though, and I need to stop them there. I'm going to really try to change this behavior around - for myself, and those around me.

Eggs out
xx