Entering maintenance stage was something I found absolutely terrifying because the focus went from aggressive loss to ... stagnancy. The status quo was left to bubble, rot and fester. I had to learn to be happy with what I'd achieved which felt like less than I wanted, but more than I'd worked to earn. It was strange to hear that from my inner-monologue because for a long time I'd been so done with the concept of eating to lose weight, working out to lose weight. Loss became compulsive and controlling, and when my maintained weight deviated I had two reactions: Either I accepted it, and my upper-limit kept pushing higher by a half-pound at a time, or I did not accept it and reached a breaking point and began spreading the same vicious lies about myself within my mind that I'd worked so hard to get away from before.
I started school without a fixed direction, realizing that getting started was the hardest part and that I'd surely find my path once I got started. I have heard a calling, stronger some times than others, but still audible enough that I can distinguish it apart from the thrumming sounds of life. It's whisper quiet, but present...So I suppose my mettle will be proven, or not, figuring out what lives at the bottom of this rabbit hole. Change isn't easy, but strength is found in how we cope and react to it (or so it is said) - hopefully I am gifted with just a little more grace to do what needs doing, whilst doing it. I say these things because I know they're true, and I think I'm finally starting to believe them all...again.
I've gone back to how I was eating when I was happiest - vegan according to Eat to Live. That book started it all, and although I've fallen off the path and tried different things and different methods for health, I can honestly say I've never been happier than when I was subsisting on plant-based proteins. Returning to my roots, the roots that got me to where I am (with a few hiccups along the way, like an attempt at Medifast to support my husband's efforts to drop the weight) and made me the happiest about how I existed in, and interacted with, this world.Losing weight wasn't easy, how could it be? I went from a life of convenience found in pressed pseudo-beef patties, processed snacks and surfing the television from the couch. That life is so sad, but certainly easy. Choosing to change everything about everything I ever did for the sake of my health, the sake of how I felt about my body? I had to sit out of meals with family, was looked down on as "too extreme" by friends, and got frustrated that no one ever seemed capable of seeing that I was doing what I had to do in the way I had to do it. It about broke me many times, I was always just 'this' side of stronger, never quite broke, but it took a toll (sometimes positive, sometimes negative) that presented both physically and mentally.
Mentally I realized personal truths, and realized how these truths are inherent to who I am. I learned that I can, absolutely, do anything. I can, and it's hard, but I can. I've realized that those who "can't" are usually unwilling, ignorant, lazy, or content/happy. So in that I see both sides of the coin, but I realize that whenever I say I "can't" do something I'm really just saying one of the following: "I'm unwilling to make the changes necessary to achieve that," or, "I'm ignorant of the changes that need to happen in order to achieve that," or, "I'm honestly just too lazy to bother achieving that," or, "I'm actually okay and happy with where I am, but society seems to think I should be doing something other than I am so I am conflicted in refusing to do this." I think if people took a deeper look into their psyche and their choices they'd probably realize the same thing, but then again? Maybe not. Maybe this is just something I've come to realize in my own head, about my own life, and I simply can't fathom not 'getting' this and therefore am applying it to the lives of those around me. Who knows?
Physically I melted. My body deflated as the fat got burned off. I suppose that heaps of sagging skin is better than heaps of body fat in the end, but sometimes (most times) I look at my naked body and cringe. It's sad because this body is the only one I've got. It has always done everything I've asked of it, and has always responded to how I've treated it just as well as can be expected. I overfed it and abused it with processed garbage and it kept going, it didn't stop me with a raging case of diabetes or sudden death. I put it hard to work, long hours and it never complained. Sure my muscles got tired eventually, but my body always kept chugging - sometimes even when my brain had checked out from the exercise I was doing. My body is probably the thing I'd thank most in the foreword of my weight loss chronicle - "Dear Body; Thank you for never giving up on me, working around the clock with me to create change, and putting up with the hours of abuses and endless revisions."
Speaking of revisions, I noticed from a general skim of my blog that I have seemed utterly directionless for much of my journey, especially from an outside perspective. I tried a natural health degree program, but realized quickly that that wasn't where I was meant to be - I followed my gut, took a financial loss and kept hunting. I made an Active 2012 goal list and got a lot done on it, but not all of it. I did the Medifast program, then came off of it. I felt a bit panicky about it at first, but then figured that 2012 was my 'year of finding'. My efforts were designed to expose me to as much as possible, to experience as much as possible, and to get out and do as much as possible so that I could take steps closer to figuring out where I was meant to be.
I figured out a few things from this, both about myself and those in my life. I realized that my husband was my best friend, not my life partner. This still breaks my heart every day as letting go of years with a person is never easy to do, even if it feels like it is the best thing to do. When I chose to leave my husband my brain started churning on what I needed to be happy, and what issues I had that really needed addressing. 1) I realized that I can give myself permission to focus on being a mother and keeping my space clean! For a long time I felt guilty about friends I have that say they're simply too busy with their children to keep their houses clean. I had to come to terms with the fact that having a clean house does not, in fact, make me a bad or neglectful mother. That sounds weird, but when I consider a majority of my friends with children seem to be unable to keep their houses organized I really started to feel that since I was the outlier that I was somehow less of a mother than them. Thankfully I was able to kick that ill mentality to the curb. 2) That having some unpacked boxes, or one single room that is not perfectly organized does not make me a failure at everything worth succeeding at. Sometimes it is a process, and I am simply a part of the process as much as that box is. I need time to unpack myself, before I can unpack that box. 3) That not everyone is capable, willing, or able to be at the same stage of their journey as I am, and accepting (knowing) that when the time is right all things meant to happen will happen - both as they pertain to my own life, and to the lives of others. 4) That social work isn't necessarily a high-wage earning job, and likely never will be. That the hours are long, the work is hard, and sometimes it will never be gratifying. That the human cost of a sick society needs to be mediated and that I love working with people and giving to people. I've been toying, constantly, with thoughts of packing up and joining the Peace Corps, but realize I can effect just as much change in my community (wherever that is) and do just as much good healing the societal illnesses on the home front as I can abroad. 5) That it's okay to be me. It's okay to love people the way I want to love them and it's okay to not love them if I don't want to love them. It's okay to laugh, it's okay to be vulnerable, it's okay to put on my armadillo hat and hide my feelings away if I want. It's okay to be depressed, it's okay to take time to process, it's okay to accept being a part of the process, and it's okay to say no. It's just never okay to give up, because when we give up it's over.
I am a soldier, and although this marks my last entry in this blog, the battle continues. Every day is a choice, and I just hope to keep finding the strength I need to persevere, the wisdom to keep striving, and the knowledge that everything will turn out just the way it was meant to.
Eggs out.
xx
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