Fighting For Control

Things have been out of control lately. I feel like between hormones, life choices, food cravings and opportunity I've simply lost myself in the shuffle of being a complete hedonist. My weight has experience a pretty solid +/- 10lb weight gain and although this doesn't seem drastic to many, it is devastating when I sit and look at the overall picture.

I have been trying, for weeks, to get things back into control. Nothing I was doing has been actually working, though. I'm at the scary point now where I'm actually frustrated enough that I just don't care and have been letting myself indulge more and more often. Logically I know (looking back on the foods I'm eating) I'm really just going to end up with a larger gain. I truthfully am at a loss. A complete loss.

I've been more sedentary now, my food choices have been poorer, there has been more stress and there has been more traveling. There has to be a complete overhaul of my regularly occurring routine simply because variables have changed, but I don't quite know where to start...I have a feel the gym is going to be pivotal in this.

What I need to do is get home, take measurements, take stock, and then get back into +/- monthly goal setting. I think that is going to be the ticket into forcing my body back in to the range I was actually okay with it. Otherwise I'm going to stay on this downward spiral and end up larger, unhealthier, and ultimately unhappier.

I've spent part of the morning (it's 4:30am and I'm awake with worries in my mind) looking at forums to get ideas on my next step. I seen a very sad overabundance of 12-17 year old females wondering why their bodies aren't simply already 'perfect'. Remembering this awkward and sad stage of my own life I hope they all find their peace - and it keeps my depression over a ten pound gain in check. I say I don't know what I need to do, or I don't know what's happening, but I guess I really do. I do and I've been letting myself indulge and enjoy food for a change, which has led to this gain. Any addict will go right back into an addiction if they're allowed 'just as a taste'. I think I might need to ask for help, because I've already fallen down the slippery slope.

Maintenance is the hardest, and least gratifying stage of this entire journey. Keeping my weight where I want it -and- enjoying life? Seems like a task too large to handle alone, especially for someone tired of being a soldier all the time.

Eggs out
xx

Up, Up and Away

Climbing To The Top (It's my life...)

_________________________

The weekend was an amazing one. I am recounting all of my experiences after a week of "down-time" to sit and absorb all of my feelings on what happened. I, for all intents and purposes, climbed a mountain. I climbed a mountain trail, and I backpacked far away from home. I achieved three of my Active 2012 goals, and although I didn't feel it until two days later, I really pushed myself to the upper limits of my strength and endurance.

For part of the trail I had 60 pounds on my back. I loved every second of it. The feeling of being weighted and burdened, and the thrumming of a steady heart beat in my ears. Pushing myself beyond exhaustion and into a new realm of uncertainty is an amazing mental space. Other things stop mattering,  sounds and vision tune out, and I become a single entity with the spirit of an Ox. Being pushed and abusing my senses in that way takes me to an entirely different level of existence, and I love it. Every minute of it is my own inner beast getting her chance to hunt and possess.

My blog has been full of fears and uncertainty lately. I've been struggling to find my middle ground and my peace, and finally I believe at least one truth about myself: My body is meant to take it, or I couldn't do it. I can't wait until next time.

Being so primally charged, off in the wood, is also very soul-healing for me. Unfortunately I'm in a family that isn't (currently) much keen on the wilderness, but I hope that with time they might all come around to it. My daughter and I will be going camping soon so that I can get her out and active in the wilderness. I plan on showing her a few knife techniques, teaching her about wild edibles and different survival tactics. This is what life is all about (well, at least for me!)

Life is never more beautiful than when I'm hurting.

Eggs out
xx

An Emotional Feeder, An Active Enabler

VA Beach 2010

I'm an enabler. I see this in myself, someone I'd consider to be a 'feeder'. I'll cook these dishes for people with things in it I wish I could eat. I'll make rich cheese sauces, use whole rashers of bacon, white enriched pasta - garbage. There will be something I want to have a taste of, and I'll take a bite of it and then give the other 95% of what I did not finish to my husband, or my children. I never think about it when I'm doing it, but I'm a feeder.
On one hand I love to make the things I think people will like. On the other hand, I'll make myself a meal entirely separate from everyone else. I'll offer treats and things that I've made with love, but when I sit and look at the caloric counts in the foods I prepare it quite actually makes my blood pressure raise.

I can't have it, so someone else must. Or I have it, and I'll partake of a minuscule amount just to give it to someone else. Or, lastly, I'll eat it all until I'm physically ill.

I can't seem to get my mind around the struggles I have with food. I am working, hard, to maintain my weight. Every day is a struggle and a choice, and I do my utmost every day for myself, but when I see the impacts I am having on my husband (specifically) it makes my heart break. He had been doing so good with his weight loss, having gotten into the low 180's. He's back into the mid 190's and it's his fault, but a huge portion of the blame is mine to own. I make him crap. I'm an enabler. I'm a feeder. I'm the worst kind of person to try to be healthy around, which sounds like an oxymoron, but it's the truth.

Putting it down in black and white as part of a record breaks my heart. I'm going to do to those around me what I tried, and failed, to fight for my entire life. I can't imagine how to stop doing it though, because I never know I'm doing it until it's too late. I can't change the world, or make someone else's decisions for them...but I can present them with only the options I'd have for myself in order to help their wellness.

This stage of my weight loss has really caused a lot of introspection into the 'why' of my morbid obesity. The 'why' and how it affected everything. I'm not used to being referred to as 'small'. Someone said I was just a 'bitty' thing and I looked down and felt a moment of heart break. How could they lie to me to my face? My body issues need to stop at me, though, and I need to stop them there. I'm going to really try to change this behavior around - for myself, and those around me.

Eggs out
xx

On The Other Side Of The Binge

Today was a spectacular day of indulgence. Dare I say - A spectacular binge day. I ate every source of refined sugar and carbs I could get my hands on. French fries, frozen custard, pancakes and french toast covered in strawberry preserves, Waldorf salad, ice cream and German chocolate cake. I've been hurting to just 'be' for so long that I decided something, that I'll address in a minute.

I've got some things going on, personally and emotionally, that I'm not willing to share with the public that read my blog. I might face it some day, but today is not my day. Instead I'll keep these personal things that are happening quiet to a small group and work on improving the bigger picture for myself. Tonight I wrote poetry, something I had not done in over a decade. It was calming to go again to that happy place. Yesterday I attended a really interesting cooking class organized by my place of employment and hosted at the local Wegmans supermarket at their bistro bar.

I've been carrying on with my belly dance classes. My weekly schedule is facing a shift - I've never attended a class on my own before and I worry that once the regularly scheduled classes might be faced without the lovely company of the friend I've been attending with. The true test will be class this Tuesday, which I must attend alone since she will be out of town. If I manage to not talk myself out of going alone I think I'm going to keep paying for the classes, even after the end of the discounted 3 months program I purchased. I love going, and I love dancing. It makes me feel happy within myself to be able to perform such exotic dance moves without being overly erotic. I like the way I feel in my own skin (for the most part), but have also decided that it would be better without all the extra skin I have flapping around. I've also begun work on organizing my children's beautification program to raise personal and social responsibility in our youth. I'm keeping myself busy, but for the most part it has been stress free. And then today happened.

Today I had a many hour long intensive conversation with some family members. It brought many things up, and to light. For the most part I'd say it wasn't stressful, but was certainly more stress than I'm used to. I can't tell if it was my own stress, or my empathic nature feeding off of the stress and anxiety of those around me. I realized how often I've encountered discrimination in my life, even from the unlikeliest of sources. It used to make me feel like I never measured up, and I feel like that stayed with me even now. This is my own problem, my own issue to address - to own - to conquer, but it sometimes gets in my head how easily my perfect life can be corrupted by intolerance.

Regardless, this morning I decided something. I decided that I was going to eat what I wanted, when I wanted, in the quantity I liked today. I've found a natural urge to eat gross quantities of food, to the point the hunger-centers in my brain simply switch off and stop trying to warn me. I eat to the point of no return, and today I let it happen. I stopped fighting my body's demands, and I feel sick. I accomplished everything I wanted. I hope that the over-indulgence today will stop these screaming cravings I've encountered and will leave me feeling more whole and refreshed.

I plan on detoxing soon - getting my body rid of all the aspartame, frankenfoods, Monsato GMO's, preservatives and MSG that I've had this ongoing relationship with since I started Medifast. I'm going back to Eat to Live, now that I can tolerate a higher quantity of carbs without a huge rebound, and I'm going to start repairing the damage I caused tonight as soon as I wake tomorrow. I hope to find a refreshed perspective when I wake up on the other side of the binge.

I must own my life. I must take back control, in a more moderate fashion. As cave divers often say: "A successful dive is one you return from" - and I think this saying applies to the quest for health, as well.

Eggs out
xx

Just Came To Say Hello~!

Boring dietary update, woo! I managed to eat 17 grams of fat today - which actually involved me putting peanut butter on a spoon and sitting and eating it. Bleh. I've been doing this for the past three days because I have to in order to cycle my diet from low fat (8grams or less), to less-low fat (25 grams - ha! Like I ever meet that.)

With concerted effort I only managed to get up to 17 grams. I'm not complaining, because it's how I prefer to eat, but it gets frustrating that I stuff my face all day and then still see I can't hit 25 grams without putting a hunk of fat (peanut butter) in my body. I need to get some salmon and higher fat fishes.

On the upside I have amazing gallbladder/liver/kidney health. My colonic health is vastly improved from where it was, and I've got fruits, veggies and (some) beans/legumes back in my diet. I'm taking it slow with beans to avoid rebound (no more than 1/8c per day right now). Trying to wean back off the animal proteins and replace those with the carb-filled vegetable proteins.

I was never happier than when I ate fish but once a month, never touched cheese, ate egg white perhaps 3 times a month and called it a day. Beans, veggies, fruit and ground flax for a healthy dose of fat. The recovery from Medifaast is slow, but I am getting there! I can't complain since I did the damage to myself, but am quite happy that recovery is moving forward.

I've managed to maintain weight at +/- 155lbs for the past 4 months. I've been as high as 164 and as low as 149 in that time. It depends on what I'm doing, but generally speaking for the past month's time my morning weights are 155-157 pounds. I need to get some new batteries in my handheld analyzer so I can tape/measure/analyze and see where my body stacks up to where it has been in the past.

I'm a teensy bit sad that I don't have ask much to update in my blog anymore..feels like I'm letting a dear friend down - but I think I've started to outgrow that relationship and that is a good thing, even if a bit heartbreak-y :)

I get to go camping in two weeks time with a good friend. I will be crossing off two, or possibly three, things from my Active 2012 list. This upcoming month is going to be an amazing one. I've been happier, dancing more at home, I've been taking Thursday nights to have time with a friend belly dancing and then catching up over tea, getting out, and playing in my life.

I am finally coming into my own.

Eggs out
xx

Back In The Saddle (Again)

So, Robert made some good points recently. Among them are that I am never quite so happy and strong as when I am working out. Not just strong physically, but strong emotionally. I feel empowered, capable and, at times, simply vicious.

Making Soy Bacon/Caramel Sundaes

In the past four days, I've worked out hard during three of them. I've been alternating strength training with pretty aggressive cardio. I haven't been burning as many calories per session as I had been in my peak, but Friday saw me burn 467 calories (plus unknown number of calories burned during strength training), Saturday saw me burn 368 calories (plus unknown strength training calories burned), Sunday I took as a rest/high carb day, and then today I started my morning with a nice work out. I hit the Cybex machine, a stair stepping elliptical of sorts, and burned 554 calories (not including whatever I burned during strength training). It was pretty fun to be getting out and really feeling like I'm making a difference in my body. After working out, I had lunch with the children and then we went to the swimming pool for almost 2 hours. Another +/-150 calories there. Boy, it adds up.

On Thursdays I've also been doing belly dance with a friend at Magnificent Belly Dance in Manassas, VA. It's been calming and soothing at the same time as being challenging and fun. The time spent with a friend and connecting with another mother/adult is also great for one's emotional state.

It has been an uplifting past week. I'm making progress toward a healthier and happier me.

Eggs Out
xx

An Honest Exchange

This person is a person I see so much of myself in, mirrored back at me, that sometimes talking to them can cause severe discomfort. Working through it, because they are important to me, but we had a dialogue on a social media website about food addiction. I want to remember it forever.

Holly **************

15 minutes ago near Woodbridge · 

• Food addiction can be compared to an opiate addiction. I knew food could be addictive, but I didn't know just how much...

   ·  · 

  • 
    

    AS, CB and MG like this
  • • 
      
    • **** Just about anything can give you a dopamine fix--
      especially if your body doesn't make enough.
    • 
      

      ME: It makes me sad for the younger me that didn't know there
      

      were people who could help, and the current me who is struggling
      after feeding an addiction for so long :( Only one way to go from
      here though I guess. People understand drug and cigarette and
      alcohol addictions. A lot harder to get understanding and empathy
      for a food addiction. "Stop being fat, fatty!" - something I saw on a
      forum for overeaters before. Heh. disheartening :)
    • 
      

      ME: Also, in losing weight I'm realizing how broken things underneath
      the surface are, and have been, for so long Battling an addiction...yeesh!
      What an impossible thing it seems sometimes. Seriously never knew it
      could be compared to opiate addiction though. That's brutal.
    • **** Yeah, if you don't have a traditional eating disorder, it's easy to
      dismiss. That's unfortunate, because all disordered eating needs recognition.
    • **** ‎*hugs* Sending you a little strength. I'm a dopamine addict,
      myself, and food is one of the ways I have fed that addiction.
    • 
      

      ME: direction* And thanks. Wishing you as much success in battling
      your own demons. I've said it before and shall say it again..it's hard
      to believe how many skeletons can fit in one lil' ol' person.

It's Not All Victories

Sometimes I feel like I need to avoid the blog because I'm not performing well enough. I worry that by admitting I've been struggling that I'm undoing the bravado and vigor with which I've attacked weight loss to this point. I worry that people might even think less of me for not being invulnerable to a normal, human condition. I don't know why, as it isn't like I surround myself with horrible judgmental people (at least not on purpose). I realized something though, watching an Extreme Makeover: Weight loss edition episode and that is that I can't have all victories. I need to learn to respond to the losses appropriately, and learn how to fight back even harder against 'regular life' adversity. I'm entering a new stage of my weight loss, and it's even more daunting than losing weight.

Losing weight is the active phase, where every month is an action to further a goal. A competition with the previous month's numbers. I learned to absolutely thrive on that. Now I've entered a passive stage of my journey, where there is no competition - only moderation. I've learned I don't thrive on moderation, I thrive on extremes and this knowledge means I've started looking for the 'Next Great Thing'. The next great thing for me to focus on so I can indulge the part of me that thrives on pushing harder, going stronger, and winning. Some would encourage me to mediate my extremes, learn to pull back and set my march to a more even tune but I think if I've been this way for as long as I have, and this successful doing it, I might as well continue with it! As Dr. Phil says - Is it working for you? Because if you keep doing it, it must be!

Well, he's right. People who can't lose weight aren't doing what is working. I figured out a part of my personality that needs to be indulged, nurtured and encouraged for me to be successful. I'm done trying to be 'even-kiltered' like 'everyone else'. I'm tired of trying to find a happy medium, moderation and stability. I guess learning this crucial aspect of my personality has been the single most important thing I've learned during this entire journey

The weight loss was incidental to learning to be who I truly am. Learning to breathe through the losses, and learning that it is okay to be a high-energy, perfectionist, over-achiever that also has days that are unproductive (well, as long as there aren't too many of them!) I've learned that I've been comparing myself to people I know, other mothers, other overweight people, other people in similar situations...but that their situation is not my situation. I'm also learning to be content with my accomplishments...it is a process. In so many ways I feel so much more successful than those people I used to compare myself to. Their lives have remain unchanged, stagnant - and that might please them and give them the greatest sense of satisfaction and happiness that they deserve, but then I look at my life:

My life is full of pepper, fire and a swirling nest of red ants. Ups and downs, learning to take as much care of myself as I try to take of others and learning that it is okay to be me.

Some questions I need to find the answers to: When did I stop caring about me? What was the worst experience of being big? Most people that are obese have a plethora of excuses...what were mine? What was the moment I decided to stop making excuses? Do I have the determination and the stubbornness to see this through to the end? Let's see. I'm so close to this blog coming to an end - a blog to detail the active phase of my weight loss and just touch on the passive phase. I've decided that on December 31, 2012 I will say good-bye to this friend with a final update (hopefully with answers to the above questions, and an Active 2012 update), a final weigh-in, and a final farewell.

In closing: "What you decide to do is going to define who you are." - Chris Powell

Eggs out, for now...
xx

Thursday As My Bond-Mate

I've spent the past six months hopping from idea to idea, scheme to scheme, point to point like a bad 1940's film about a man just trying to get on the 'next big idea' with his get rich quick schemes. I couldn't figure out why I was feeling so pressured to keep lifting roots every time I'd planted them, but I figured out last night that this is simply my own "Darkest Hour." I've been hopping because I've been sad. At my heaviest I don't ever remember being this sad. Perhaps time has mitigated the damage, perhaps I simply don't remember the pain in the same way, but I don't remember feeling exactly this same way.

I remember feeling hopeless and lost, but what I feel now is so much worse: Purposeless. For two years I've dedicated the entirety of being on this one, single project and now that my project is coming to a close I'm left remembering how good it felt to be eyeball-deep in the project's inception. How amazing the adrenaline rushes were when I was beating records I'd previously kept.

I've so meticulously kept this blog that when I look back through the pages I only see happy memories. Excitement about a fridge full of food has turned into a floundering disdain. Happiness with my shrinking body has turned into uncertainty. Choices so simple, so straightforward got complicated somewhere along the way. Interest turned into something nearing obsession and that, naturally, always changes the lens through which a person's view is seen.

I am sad with how my life has changed these past six months. I wouldn't be happier if I were a larger person, that would be too easy a fix. Instead I've come to terms with the facts that I have excavated the coffin I had managed to keep buried under hundreds of pounds of extra fat for my entire life - from preteen to adult. I just got this body, just worked so hard for it, only to discover that 1) I don't like it, and 2) I now have to deal with the skeletons in my closet. There's nothing more annoying than getting a degree in a field for 2+ years, only to find once you're done it doesn't actually help you at all.

I don't have regrets, I don't feel like I have excuses either. I just have a deep, thrumming sadness over many things. How I let myself get so big that I even needed a plastic surgery consult. Was the years of reckless eating worth it? Was I happier then? My relationship with food was certainly a different one, but it was just as unhealthy as it has become.

I can pinpoint the moment that my attitude toward this life changed, and the people that I feel so ruthlessly spearheaded that change. I have moved on from it, but just because we've move on from our past doesn't mean it hasn't also inexplicably changed who we, as people, are.

The consult for plastic surgery went well. I spun, naked, in front of an early middle-aged surgeon that poked, prodded and calipered his way around my body - my temple. My body put out to be judged, to be marked with invisible lines of correction, to see if I even could be corrected. My flaws on display, but worse - my flaws to be corrected by someone else. My entire journey done solo only to be turned over to this man I've never met before. This entire journey done thus far inexpensively now turning into a $28,000 affair. An abdominoplasty because through years of reckless eating my abdominal muscles have drifted. Hernia repair because there are no muscles there to hold things in place as they ought to be held. Inner thigh lift because my skin hangs like curtains of pale, peach meat. A swatch of skin, some 6" tall cut from around my entire midsection, from the front all the way to the back, in a last ditch effort to rid myself of the skin just hanging on to me for dear life. Will it make me happier? I don't think it will.

I felt so caged last night, so unhappy and restless, that I threw clothes on and I ran. I ran, and I ran, and I did not stop. It was dark and I couldn't see, but I still ran. I was trying to run away from all of this sadness cascading down on me, only to realize that no amount of distance will put enough space between me and myself...

Overall I am a happy person. A content person. I feel I am a loving, and giving person. I try to include, not exclude and to tolerate and encourage differences. I am not a bad person, I don't believe - but I am struggling with the consequences of my actions of years past and that is starting to make an already full cup overflow.

A Little Bit Afraid, But A Lot Alright

So this morning heralds in a new stage of my weightless journey: Plastic surgeon's consult. One of the side effects of losing weight, regardless of how much exercise I've done, is that there is going to be extra skin hanging around.  I want to see if it's possible to figure out exactly how many pounds of skin I have hanging around and if I could improve the relationship I have with my body just by making a few changes to it. It's hard to look at yourself in the mirror, see something melted, and feel beautiful. I think a lot of the psychological process of this journey has been dealing with the change in body image. Well, I suppose we'll see!

I've been conquering things off of my Active 2012 list. Most notably the training in, and firing of, a hand gun. In this particular experience my husband and I went to a range, received a safety lesson and crash course in gun operation and then fired off a box of ammo. I did pretty well and didn't have half the reaction as I thought I might. Truth be told the glock has a much different sounding discharge than a shotgun, so I think at some point I'd like to learn how to operate a shotgun, but for now? I'm hooked. I had a ton of fun and Robert and I have been talking about buying a gun for range trips in the future.

Another activity crossed off the list was a trip kayaking or canoeing. Robert and I had a date day (thanks to my inlaws) and after a morning of shooting we hopped back into the Woodbridge area to hit up Lake Ridge Marina for two hours of scenic paddling. We both ended up getting a touch of heatstroke (it got up to 96* Fahrenheit) but I think we both enjoyed ourselves! Robert said it was one of the most fun things he's ever done and I'm so pleased I was the one to be able to give him that experience. So, two things off the list! I forget how many I have left to go, but I'm sure I'll get to them as time allows.

I've been yoyo-ing a lot with my diet lately. Some days I get these horrific carb cravings and just find myself eating everything sweet in sight. I'm not sure if that is a psychological thing, a physical thing, or what? I've been indulging my sweet tooth before I detox it enough out of my system that I stop the cravings. It's a never ending cycle.

At Medifast 3 weeks ago I hit 149.7 on the scale. The following Friday I was 160 on the scale. I dropped down to 154 the following weigh-in, and this one coming I think I'm going to have ended up gaining or maintaining. I've taken myself away from the mentality of losing constantly. I think I'm burnt out, finished even. I was on track 100% yesterday (I ate extra protein to stave off a hungry tummy) but for the most part it might be time to focus on maintenance and physical activity and hope the rest of the weight comes off in time.

Ultimately I just want to be happy with my body. Learning to love yourself is hard...but I'm confident it will be worth it in the end.

Eggs out
xx

A Different Kind Of Mother

Lake Ridge Marina

Although I understand that experiences can be costly, and therefore sometimes need to be found on the cheap, procured with a discount or spaced months apart, I also believe they are vital to building a cohesive family unit. It upsets me sometimes when I see parents talking about how they spend all this time with their children when really they hang out on their computer all day, or just drag their kids around in the back of their car all day while they run errands for this purpose or that. I am determined to be a different kind of mother!

Lake Ridge Marina

Active 2012 has been really exciting, so far. We had a wonderful day as a family at Lake Ridge Marina, located within Lake Ridge Park. We rented a four person paddle boat and explored the inlet. There were ducks, geese, a beautiful blue heron and the other standard water fowl. We saw snapping turtles, painted turtles, and what we thought was a cute little red-ear sunbathing on driftwood. Fish lept out of the water to snap at dragonflies, and dragonflies landed on stray petals that floated on the water. It was scenic, idyllic and wonderful to have had that one-ness as a family. On the website for Lake Ridge Parks & Recreation it says,

"Experience isn't expensive, it's priceless."

Frying Pan Farm

I've decided that is my new personal motto. It always has been, but nothing has ever summed it up so succinctly. My personal motto, and personal response to people that question any extravagance we encounter giving life to our children. More than computers and video games...the things that don't matter. I'm focusing solely on the things that do. Activities you can get dirty doing, activities that expand your mind and challenge what you thought to be true, activities that might be uncomfortable but will broaden your horizons and make you realize what a small, but integral part you play in this world.

I've been struggling with my body image. Losing weight hasn't been easy. Oh, at the beginning it was all fun and games. The numbers were big and easy to lose. Choices were less specific which led to a broader and more overall level of happiness with my diet. My body hadn't yet begin to look hapless, sad and defeated. I hadn't yet realized how many demons I had inside that I needed to face, address and then vanquish - alone.

Enjoying Every Minute Of It

It has been a journey and this journey will continue on for the rest of my life. Having been obese I will always hold the ability to become that way again. Having now been smaller, a size 8-10, I also realize that if I want to keep it that the cycle will never end. It will change, but it will never end. There is much to sort out, but in the mean time I'm going to start experiencing everything I can get my hands on, or hands in.

My life is about to begin, and I can't help but wonder if the saying "Calm before the storm" might also apply in reverse to "Storm before the calm." I had my storm, and am now finally finding a measure of peace within myself.

Life is a journey - an adventure. I plan to experience and enjoy every part of it.

Eggs out

xx

Food Has Broken Me

Up, Down, Left, Right, Yes, No. Right now my life is full of indecision and different directions I could take. Food has been haunting me for ages. This is the ugly truth of food addiction. This is the face of my unhappiness that I've been uncovering throughout this entire journey. This is the girl inside the fat suit.

This is me.

I'm scared right now, running at times into walls blindly with full force because I simply can't manage my emotions. I wanted to get into nutrition, to help other people with their food struggles, but I realized the hypocrisy in this. How can I dream of helping others when I'm still so fundamentally broken, myself? Food terrifies me, and I either work to control it, or the opposite happens and I find it controlling me. Every decision I make is food based, every television show I watch is food based, in almost every exchange with someone I have there is the presentation of food.

I recognize the broken.

I feel apologetic if I'm not eating a certain way and someone is hosting me. I feel I've made it worse by flip-flopping back and forth so frequently. I feel apologetic that I'm not able to continue on the holistic nutrition path, and have flip-flopped to a completely different field. I feel I've made it worse by ever speaking dreams out loud.  I feel sorrow over my deflated body, outrage at my inability to do more, defiance as I continue to melt, exhaustion as I contemplate the gym, and then the hunger intermixed with terror to be feeling fulfilled, happy and done.

This is the ugly side of un-burying yourself.

In talking with a friend I've decided to go back on Medifast. To put it on "Project Status". I will do nothing but Medifast for the next 4 weeks. I will be committed to it, and I will not worry about it. In 4 weeks time I will come back and rehash where I am. I will take stock of the information, compare, and then make a decision from there.

Nothing is forever unless you want it to be.

Lying In The Tracks Waiting For The Midnight Train

I've been struggling with my weight, overall, these past two weeks since coming off Medifast. There have been a lot of ups and downs, trying to get back on track without carb shocking my body into a reaction. I've been using the online tool at http://caloriecount.about.com/ to help keep track of my daily micro/macro/calorie/etc's and have found that I'm also keeping my journal as well. That's double the work, and nothing seems to be paying off.

I know I go through this slump regularly, and that sometimes our bodies just need a recovery period but it can get so frustrating. Sometimes I feel the habits I'm developing just trying to stay on top of what I'm trying to accomplish are becoming a bit obsessive. I talk about what I'm doing often, which is partly normal because it's such a huge part of my life, but also partly worrying because right now this is my 'cause'. The one thing I'm devoting myself to with everything I have, and I just worry that sooner or later I'm going to hit a mental-emotional wall where I am suddenly just 'done'. Where, perhaps, I rebel. Where, perhaps, I can't go on any longer like this because I'm tired of constantly watching out for the enemy over my shoulder.

At times food makes me feel like a fugitive. Food is a crime I'm guilty of, have been guilty of for my whole life. That guilt, combined with the need to constantly be looking over my shoulder about what will happen next, is tiresome.

I don't feel happy in my own skin right now. My body reminds me of something that is melting, no longer able to hold itself up. I haven't had the energy or gumption to hit the gym like I used to. I remember, the not so far off past, where I was going 1-2 hours a day minimum  and I felt amazing. I know I need to get back into that but I don't have the gumption, nor do I have the external support I feel I need. 

It feels almost like now that I'm so close to my final goal (less than 25 pounds) that I am just doing everything I can, throwing everything I have at finishing this project so I can move on to the next phase. Will I ever be happy though? I started all of this to be happy, and to look good. I didn't start it for health, but they seem to have gone hand-in-glove for me. I've been forced to learn new things, new methods, new techniques, little tricks of the trade, and my overall education about nutrition has increased dramatically. With that there also seems to be a snowballing of what feels like "everything I know I need to do all at once" because I'm so desperate to be done.

I'm feeling harmed, emotionally, but I can't stop because if I do it'll be that much more painful than just sticking with it. I've lost over 53% of myself, I'm 53% less of who I was physically. That daily struggle to maintain and lose more of myself is painful. Looking back I had no idea it would be anything like this. I compared it to the feelings one gets after losing 20 pounds (which they then gain back). There is no comparison, and I don't have any friends that I feel can come anywhere near to understanding what is going on in my head right now. I'm feeling alone.

"I can't dip my feet in the waters of food that is not diet-friendly. I can't, because if I do I suddenly find myself drowning. Food addictions are just as hard to overcome as drug/alcohol addictions...and so much more readily available. Without support this would be impossible...even with support it feels like an uphill climb."

                 From an entry I wrote dated 1/31/2011

I'm going to go to an Over Eaters Anonymous group this Thursday. I'm going to try to take a hold of my mentality and start healing a lifetime of self-abuse with food so that when I hit my goal I don't begin the same cycle of self-harm all over again. My body couldn't take it. My mind couldn't take it. After working so hard, I need to do maintenance to make sure that I'm not just fixing the topical problems, but working to find solutions to the problems below the surface that cause all the topical problems in the first place. My obese body was a symptom, not the sole cause, of my unhappiness.

Even now I have reservations about posting this. It makes me feel less than I am, less a warrior, less a fighter, less of a machine. It makes me feel less accomplished and more...human. The problem with feeling human at the same time you're building something monumental is that humanity gets in the way. Humanity isn't cold and callous enough to get the job done. Sometimes we must do what we don't like doing to get what we want. In war it's called "acceptable losses": a ratio of human lives that are "acceptable" to have depleted before something must be done. Many of us have grandfathers, grandmothers and other family members that have served and died in wars. Was their death an 'acceptable loss' to their family? No. To the cause, 'freedom'? Yes.

This isn't so grand scale as a war, I have no 10% ratio and no "good ol' boys" I need to send back home to their families. However, I have been doing things that have been bringing me closer to that 10% figure of critical mass. That critical mass before the losses are so great that something needs to happen, something needs to change, and the true cost of humanity kicks in.

I feel, right now, that perhaps only a machine could possibly finish what I have started out to do...but there's always hope. That fighting spirit. I'm not going to give up. I won't. I can't. I can't stop until I'm happy. I wonder if I'll ever be happy, if what I've done will ever be good enough.

Wishing you all good health on your journey, whatever part of it you might find yourself on...

Eggs out.

Blasting Off! Paleo in 3...2...1.....

I decided to come off of Medifast because between our finances and the food Robert and I would both require we were having trouble finding a way to make sure both of us would have enough. Medifast has been working better for him than it has for me, and so with that he got to stay on the program.

Since I decided to step down my body has been giving me a hard time. I've gone up from 155.6 lbs to 159.2 lbs. My weight has been steadily increasing with the food shift, as I've also been a little less strict and have been enjoying a few treats. The treats have led me to where I am now: Paleo!

I'm going to be picking the brains of a few friends for information and ideas. I'm going to eat the food groups that early humans would have sourced, the things that our guts are designed to eat. I have no aversions to bringing legumes in once a week, as a special treat (because I love me some legumes) but I'm going to take a much less intense approach to the foods I eat.

When I was doing Eat to Live I was happy, food stress was low, and results were predictable. I have no idea if I could continue having weight loss success on Eat to Live, but I'm going to adapt and make my own food approach by mashing concepts of Eat to Live with Paleo and seeing how my body responds to it.

The weight I want to reach (135lbs) is just an 'arbitrary number', but it is where I want to be. It's a goal I've done all of this hard work for. It's what has kept me going. I could never have gone into this saying, "Oh, well I'm just wanting to be healthy" because that would have been a scapegoat for me. At 250 when I hit a plateau I could have easily said, "Well I'm healthier than I was!" and just stopped there. That's not what I want for myself. I want my body to be a true reflection of how I want it to be, not just what I settle for. I believe in going hard and going all the way. I want to be happy with my body, and right now I'm not happy with my body. It's come a long way from where it was, but it's not where I want to have it stop just yet!

This past weekend my family and I did the 5k Walk for Multiple Sclerosis in Manassas. It was fun! Elysia whinged a lot, she wasn't really feeling up tot he long walk (although didn't have much choice as she clearly couldn't be left) but our dietary changes and the detox process has been hard on her. We've been cutting out the processed stuff that makes up a majority of the Standard American Diet and I know she's missing it. Blake is adapting much better than she is because he hasn't had as much of the processed exposure as his sister has.

We'll see how this goes!

Eggs out
xx

An Almost Forgotten April Weigh In

This morning, the 9th, I realized that something about the 8th was important. I couldn't quite place my finger on it until I realized that it's my 'standard' weigh in day! Going to Medifast has kind of messed up the importance I place on the overall month weigh in's because you have to weigh in there every single week. Although I understand the importance of weighing in on a weekly basis, I kind of miss the old days of being able to have a few days of indulgence after my weigh in. I looked forward to going to a restaurant, knowing that one meal where I had what I liked wouldn't hurt my overall month results. When you're looking at weighing in again in only six days, every morsel of food not on the plan can hurt those numbers. It's almost a competition with myself to make sure I've at least lost something.

I feel it is probably a little emotionally damaging that I tend to get a bit sad about the weeks I 'only' lose one pound. Realistically I know one pound is better than no pounds, that one pound less is that much more that I'm not going to have essentially sitting on my heart. I understand that it's better to have lost a pound than to have lost nothing, but I can't help but feel a little bit disappointed on the weeks I lose one pound instead of the 3-5 pounds I was told to expect by the Medifast staff. I understand that my body isn't every else's body though. Now, with all that said, last week at Medifast I lost 6 pounds overall. I'm not too fussed about it because it's coming off, slowly at times, but surely!

Easter weekend was lovely, we had a wonderful Easter/Birthday lunch with Robert's parents and family at a Greek place called Athena Pallas. Have I mentioned I love Greek food? No? I LOVE GREEK FOOD. To follow up with my less than stellar lunch time options there was lots of walking around in Occoquan and around Woodbridge, talking about the future and planning out the future to make sure talk turned into action. Robert and I are both going to be starting at school and that is going to be a huge time commitment. I'm excited for the future, but it is emotionally draining. I decided to email the head lady at the pet care company and let her know that I wouldn't be taking the job after all. It said clearly in the FAQs that Blake couldn't come with me, and rather than filling up my schedule with that right now I'm going to focus on my education, children, budget, spouse, house and current part time job. I might add another splash of part time work to the schedule, but it won't be until I find something I could do in the evenings to enure my morning is open for school.

Life is chugging along. It's busier than it has been, and the headaches of life that come with it are going to be exciting...but in the mean time I'm still giving it my all!

On to glory!
Eggs out
xx

When I Buy Panties...

This morning I realized something: I always eye up clothes and buy them for myself at larger than they should be. With underpants I buy two or three sizes bigger and end up with what my husband lovingly refers to as "parachute panties". We went out recently and he bought my underpants - the fully serviceable un-sexy kind that women actually wear on a normal basis, and I swore they'd be far too small when I took them out of the package. Well, they weren't. I didn't much care for the cut, but overall they were exactly the size I needed.

This morning I was discussing my diet with a coworker and she asked me how on earth I'd still have 25 pounds to lose, that I was already "so skinny!". I didn't even know how to respond to that. I've been over 180 pounds since I was 12, I've always been big. I've always worn large underwear. I've always worn baggy clothes. Size 10's have never fallen down in the grocery store (yes, that happened). I've never been active.

There is an entire mental shift that needs to take place. I look in the mirror and still see a really obese person staring back at me. This entire re-education of my mindset is hard work, and often times I fight against it. I can't figure out why things start feeling out of control as soon as I accept I have been successful but I feel part of it might be the fear of "what next?" for when I'm done this stage of my life. Maintenance, although welcome, will be a new trial all on its own. New dragons to find, and then slay. New adventures to embark on. A whole new phase of life when I've just now finally gotten used to this one. One day, soon, I'll be ready. Until then I think I've earned a bit of apprehension.

I'm starting a new job this Tuesday morning, I'm going to try to help bring in some extra income for the family by spending my mornings dog walking. I'm hoping the fresh air, sunshine and exercise will continue to do me well. There's nothing like a bit of animal companionship to help make exercise seem more fun. On the plus size I plan on bringing Blake with me (in a toddler backpack) so that I can take care of income without having the outcome of babysitting expenses. It will be beneficial for all. Wish me luck.

Eggs out
xx

Giving Myself To The World

Throughout this journey I've been developing my opinions on things nutrition and exercise related. Granted, they're based what has worked for me, but I think I've also cultured a healthy respect for the fact that no two bodies will respond to the same set of circumstances in an identical or easily predictable manner.

It's not always so easy as calories in vs. calories out. It's the quality of calories, the timing of the calories, the delivery method for the calories, and learning how to eat to feed the demands of your own body. My body, I've learned, does not tolerate low carb diets with any measure of grace. I react negatively to the target carb zone for the Medifast diet. My body is not my husband's body - he, whom has lost some 25 pounds in 5 weeks, and doesn't have any health side effects from the foods.

I'm looking forward to working on my doctorate degree in holistic nutrition (do you have any idea how strange that is to say?! It's like the first time you eat baby octopus and the little legs are all hanging around in your mouth and you don't quite know what to do with them. I'm looking forward to the challenge, though!) because I think it'll add an entire dimension to the knowledge I've gained on my own. Knowledge that other great minds have come together to prepare. I'll have my horizons broadened and will learn more methods for more bodies, so that I can help people who were just like me. I've developed the outlines of a business model, so that I can peruse my dreams once the degree is complete.

I'm so happy and excited that I've kept this blog up throughout my weight loss because I can look back and see how a little seedling of hope and dream has started germinating into something that promises to be more. I'm excited for more. I will be more. And I will turn around and give it all back. I have a feeling that this is the calling I've always had. The dream I always had, the vision I always wanted to share. I'm eager to give myself to this world in this way.

They say the best ideas start at home. We're going to finish the foods we have in the house that aren't ideal (I just made cupcakes today, with chocolate frosting!) but have only been bringing in foods that fit our 'ideal foods' model. Those ideal foods are gluten free, naturally occurring sugar only, and not overly processed and full of fats. It's exciting for my family to be moving in this direction, and even more exciting that my husband is 100% behind me.

Today, friends, is a good day.

Eggs out
xx

A Down Spiral To Be Happy With

I've finally worked Medifast into a sustainable routine. As with any dietary shift it takes time to acclimate to the new food and new approach. I've learned that I need extra carbs and need to supplement much higher than they recommend with my own food from home. I'm now back in my healthy target zone, without the need for the time consuming and pesky iso-caloric approach.

 Now that the adjustment phase is over, and I kind of just "eat what I want when I want" again the weight is coming off. I think the regimented style of Medifast has been working great for Robert, whom has pretty much reached his halfway point! A progrma I'd reccommend, but only to certain people in certain situations. I wouldn't likely do it again for myself :)

Eggs out
xx

Starward Dreamer - Daily Affirmations

There was once a little girl, fat and afraid. She dreamed about making friends. She dreamed about running and playing without being judged for inability. She even dared to dream that she might eat without scathing glances from a public audience.

Eyes were everywhere, always. She couldn't jump the large pond as all the other children did. Instead she landed with an ungracious splat right in the middle of it. The butt of every joke, drawn to gross proportions in art class, and unhappy.

My life sucked. Bullies suck. Those that truly loved me were few and far between, but I am forever grateful to them. Those that have stood beside me during every step of my own self discovery will go down in the history of my life as something completely amazing.

I type this entry with fingers half the thickness they used to be. I sit cross-legged in a chair in a manner I never could before. I have dreams for the future. I don't need anyone to hold my hand on this journey anymore. I don't need someone telling me what to do, or how to live, or what has to happen for me to be happy.

I have self-actualized my life. I am empowered. I will never stop.

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Catch Me If You Can...

April 14, 2012: 5 Mile Walk for MS (Free, untimed event in support of multiple sclerosis)

April 28, 2012: 10k Walk for Fitness (Free, untimed event in memory of a fallen firefighter) Woodbridge

May 6, 2012: May Day 5K (Timed event, entry fee $20) Lake Ridge

May 19, 2012: Falcon 5k (Timed event, entry fee $20) Woodbridge