Fighting For Control

Things have been out of control lately. I feel like between hormones, life choices, food cravings and opportunity I've simply lost myself in the shuffle of being a complete hedonist. My weight has experience a pretty solid +/- 10lb weight gain and although this doesn't seem drastic to many, it is devastating when I sit and look at the overall picture.

I have been trying, for weeks, to get things back into control. Nothing I was doing has been actually working, though. I'm at the scary point now where I'm actually frustrated enough that I just don't care and have been letting myself indulge more and more often. Logically I know (looking back on the foods I'm eating) I'm really just going to end up with a larger gain. I truthfully am at a loss. A complete loss.

I've been more sedentary now, my food choices have been poorer, there has been more stress and there has been more traveling. There has to be a complete overhaul of my regularly occurring routine simply because variables have changed, but I don't quite know where to start...I have a feel the gym is going to be pivotal in this.

What I need to do is get home, take measurements, take stock, and then get back into +/- monthly goal setting. I think that is going to be the ticket into forcing my body back in to the range I was actually okay with it. Otherwise I'm going to stay on this downward spiral and end up larger, unhealthier, and ultimately unhappier.

I've spent part of the morning (it's 4:30am and I'm awake with worries in my mind) looking at forums to get ideas on my next step. I seen a very sad overabundance of 12-17 year old females wondering why their bodies aren't simply already 'perfect'. Remembering this awkward and sad stage of my own life I hope they all find their peace - and it keeps my depression over a ten pound gain in check. I say I don't know what I need to do, or I don't know what's happening, but I guess I really do. I do and I've been letting myself indulge and enjoy food for a change, which has led to this gain. Any addict will go right back into an addiction if they're allowed 'just as a taste'. I think I might need to ask for help, because I've already fallen down the slippery slope.

Maintenance is the hardest, and least gratifying stage of this entire journey. Keeping my weight where I want it -and- enjoying life? Seems like a task too large to handle alone, especially for someone tired of being a soldier all the time.

Eggs out
xx