Up, Up and Away

Climbing To The Top (It's my life...)

_________________________

The weekend was an amazing one. I am recounting all of my experiences after a week of "down-time" to sit and absorb all of my feelings on what happened. I, for all intents and purposes, climbed a mountain. I climbed a mountain trail, and I backpacked far away from home. I achieved three of my Active 2012 goals, and although I didn't feel it until two days later, I really pushed myself to the upper limits of my strength and endurance.

For part of the trail I had 60 pounds on my back. I loved every second of it. The feeling of being weighted and burdened, and the thrumming of a steady heart beat in my ears. Pushing myself beyond exhaustion and into a new realm of uncertainty is an amazing mental space. Other things stop mattering,  sounds and vision tune out, and I become a single entity with the spirit of an Ox. Being pushed and abusing my senses in that way takes me to an entirely different level of existence, and I love it. Every minute of it is my own inner beast getting her chance to hunt and possess.

My blog has been full of fears and uncertainty lately. I've been struggling to find my middle ground and my peace, and finally I believe at least one truth about myself: My body is meant to take it, or I couldn't do it. I can't wait until next time.

Being so primally charged, off in the wood, is also very soul-healing for me. Unfortunately I'm in a family that isn't (currently) much keen on the wilderness, but I hope that with time they might all come around to it. My daughter and I will be going camping soon so that I can get her out and active in the wilderness. I plan on showing her a few knife techniques, teaching her about wild edibles and different survival tactics. This is what life is all about (well, at least for me!)

Life is never more beautiful than when I'm hurting.

Eggs out
xx

An Emotional Feeder, An Active Enabler

VA Beach 2010

I'm an enabler. I see this in myself, someone I'd consider to be a 'feeder'. I'll cook these dishes for people with things in it I wish I could eat. I'll make rich cheese sauces, use whole rashers of bacon, white enriched pasta - garbage. There will be something I want to have a taste of, and I'll take a bite of it and then give the other 95% of what I did not finish to my husband, or my children. I never think about it when I'm doing it, but I'm a feeder.
On one hand I love to make the things I think people will like. On the other hand, I'll make myself a meal entirely separate from everyone else. I'll offer treats and things that I've made with love, but when I sit and look at the caloric counts in the foods I prepare it quite actually makes my blood pressure raise.

I can't have it, so someone else must. Or I have it, and I'll partake of a minuscule amount just to give it to someone else. Or, lastly, I'll eat it all until I'm physically ill.

I can't seem to get my mind around the struggles I have with food. I am working, hard, to maintain my weight. Every day is a struggle and a choice, and I do my utmost every day for myself, but when I see the impacts I am having on my husband (specifically) it makes my heart break. He had been doing so good with his weight loss, having gotten into the low 180's. He's back into the mid 190's and it's his fault, but a huge portion of the blame is mine to own. I make him crap. I'm an enabler. I'm a feeder. I'm the worst kind of person to try to be healthy around, which sounds like an oxymoron, but it's the truth.

Putting it down in black and white as part of a record breaks my heart. I'm going to do to those around me what I tried, and failed, to fight for my entire life. I can't imagine how to stop doing it though, because I never know I'm doing it until it's too late. I can't change the world, or make someone else's decisions for them...but I can present them with only the options I'd have for myself in order to help their wellness.

This stage of my weight loss has really caused a lot of introspection into the 'why' of my morbid obesity. The 'why' and how it affected everything. I'm not used to being referred to as 'small'. Someone said I was just a 'bitty' thing and I looked down and felt a moment of heart break. How could they lie to me to my face? My body issues need to stop at me, though, and I need to stop them there. I'm going to really try to change this behavior around - for myself, and those around me.

Eggs out
xx