An Honest Exchange

This person is a person I see so much of myself in, mirrored back at me, that sometimes talking to them can cause severe discomfort. Working through it, because they are important to me, but we had a dialogue on a social media website about food addiction. I want to remember it forever.

Holly **************

15 minutes ago near Woodbridge · 

• Food addiction can be compared to an opiate addiction. I knew food could be addictive, but I didn't know just how much...

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    AS, CB and MG like this
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    • **** Just about anything can give you a dopamine fix--
      especially if your body doesn't make enough.
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      ME: It makes me sad for the younger me that didn't know there
      

      were people who could help, and the current me who is struggling
      after feeding an addiction for so long :( Only one way to go from
      here though I guess. People understand drug and cigarette and
      alcohol addictions. A lot harder to get understanding and empathy
      for a food addiction. "Stop being fat, fatty!" - something I saw on a
      forum for overeaters before. Heh. disheartening :)
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      ME: Also, in losing weight I'm realizing how broken things underneath
      the surface are, and have been, for so long Battling an addiction...yeesh!
      What an impossible thing it seems sometimes. Seriously never knew it
      could be compared to opiate addiction though. That's brutal.
    • **** Yeah, if you don't have a traditional eating disorder, it's easy to
      dismiss. That's unfortunate, because all disordered eating needs recognition.
    • **** ‎*hugs* Sending you a little strength. I'm a dopamine addict,
      myself, and food is one of the ways I have fed that addiction.
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      ME: direction* And thanks. Wishing you as much success in battling
      your own demons. I've said it before and shall say it again..it's hard
      to believe how many skeletons can fit in one lil' ol' person.

It's Not All Victories

Sometimes I feel like I need to avoid the blog because I'm not performing well enough. I worry that by admitting I've been struggling that I'm undoing the bravado and vigor with which I've attacked weight loss to this point. I worry that people might even think less of me for not being invulnerable to a normal, human condition. I don't know why, as it isn't like I surround myself with horrible judgmental people (at least not on purpose). I realized something though, watching an Extreme Makeover: Weight loss edition episode and that is that I can't have all victories. I need to learn to respond to the losses appropriately, and learn how to fight back even harder against 'regular life' adversity. I'm entering a new stage of my weight loss, and it's even more daunting than losing weight.

Losing weight is the active phase, where every month is an action to further a goal. A competition with the previous month's numbers. I learned to absolutely thrive on that. Now I've entered a passive stage of my journey, where there is no competition - only moderation. I've learned I don't thrive on moderation, I thrive on extremes and this knowledge means I've started looking for the 'Next Great Thing'. The next great thing for me to focus on so I can indulge the part of me that thrives on pushing harder, going stronger, and winning. Some would encourage me to mediate my extremes, learn to pull back and set my march to a more even tune but I think if I've been this way for as long as I have, and this successful doing it, I might as well continue with it! As Dr. Phil says - Is it working for you? Because if you keep doing it, it must be!

Well, he's right. People who can't lose weight aren't doing what is working. I figured out a part of my personality that needs to be indulged, nurtured and encouraged for me to be successful. I'm done trying to be 'even-kiltered' like 'everyone else'. I'm tired of trying to find a happy medium, moderation and stability. I guess learning this crucial aspect of my personality has been the single most important thing I've learned during this entire journey

The weight loss was incidental to learning to be who I truly am. Learning to breathe through the losses, and learning that it is okay to be a high-energy, perfectionist, over-achiever that also has days that are unproductive (well, as long as there aren't too many of them!) I've learned that I've been comparing myself to people I know, other mothers, other overweight people, other people in similar situations...but that their situation is not my situation. I'm also learning to be content with my accomplishments...it is a process. In so many ways I feel so much more successful than those people I used to compare myself to. Their lives have remain unchanged, stagnant - and that might please them and give them the greatest sense of satisfaction and happiness that they deserve, but then I look at my life:

My life is full of pepper, fire and a swirling nest of red ants. Ups and downs, learning to take as much care of myself as I try to take of others and learning that it is okay to be me.

Some questions I need to find the answers to: When did I stop caring about me? What was the worst experience of being big? Most people that are obese have a plethora of excuses...what were mine? What was the moment I decided to stop making excuses? Do I have the determination and the stubbornness to see this through to the end? Let's see. I'm so close to this blog coming to an end - a blog to detail the active phase of my weight loss and just touch on the passive phase. I've decided that on December 31, 2012 I will say good-bye to this friend with a final update (hopefully with answers to the above questions, and an Active 2012 update), a final weigh-in, and a final farewell.

In closing: "What you decide to do is going to define who you are." - Chris Powell

Eggs out, for now...
xx