Today was a spectacular day of indulgence. Dare I say - A spectacular binge day. I ate every source of refined sugar and carbs I could get my hands on. French fries, frozen custard, pancakes and french toast covered in strawberry preserves, Waldorf salad, ice cream and German chocolate cake. I've been hurting to just 'be' for so long that I decided something, that I'll address in a minute.
I've got some things going on, personally and emotionally, that I'm not willing to share with the public that read my blog. I might face it some day, but today is not my day. Instead I'll keep these personal things that are happening quiet to a small group and work on improving the bigger picture for myself. Tonight I wrote poetry, something I had not done in over a decade. It was calming to go again to that happy place. Yesterday I attended a really interesting cooking class organized by my place of employment and hosted at the local Wegmans supermarket at their bistro bar.
I've been carrying on with my belly dance classes. My weekly schedule is
facing a shift - I've never attended a class on my own before and I
worry that once the regularly scheduled classes might be faced without
the lovely company of the friend I've been attending with. The true test
will be class this Tuesday, which I must attend alone since she will be
out of town. If I manage to not talk myself out of going alone I think
I'm going to keep paying for the classes, even after the end of the
discounted 3 months program I purchased. I love going, and I love
dancing. It makes me feel happy within myself to be able to perform such
exotic dance moves without being overly erotic. I like the way I feel
in my own skin (for the most part), but have also decided that it would
be better without all the extra skin I have flapping around. I've also begun work on organizing my children's beautification program to raise personal and social responsibility in our youth. I'm keeping myself busy, but for the most part it has been stress free. And then today happened.
Today I had a many hour long intensive conversation with some family members. It brought many things up, and to light. For the most part I'd say it wasn't stressful, but was certainly more stress than I'm used to. I can't tell if it was my own stress, or my empathic nature feeding off of the stress and anxiety of those around me. I realized how often I've encountered discrimination in my life, even from the unlikeliest of sources. It used to make me feel like I never measured up, and I feel like that stayed with me even now. This is my own problem, my own issue to address - to own - to conquer, but it sometimes gets in my head how easily my perfect life can be corrupted by intolerance.
Regardless, this morning I decided something. I decided that I was going to eat what I wanted, when I wanted, in the quantity I liked today. I've found a natural urge to eat gross quantities of food, to the point the hunger-centers in my brain simply switch off and stop trying to warn me. I eat to the point of no return, and today I let it happen. I stopped fighting my body's demands, and I feel sick. I accomplished everything I wanted. I hope that the over-indulgence today will stop these screaming cravings I've encountered and will leave me feeling more whole and refreshed.
I plan on detoxing soon - getting my body rid of all the aspartame, frankenfoods, Monsato GMO's, preservatives and MSG that I've had this ongoing relationship with since I started Medifast. I'm going back to Eat to Live, now that I can tolerate a higher quantity of carbs without a huge rebound, and I'm going to start repairing the damage I caused tonight as soon as I wake tomorrow. I hope to find a refreshed perspective when I wake up on the other side of the binge.
I must own my life. I must take back control, in a more moderate fashion. As cave divers often say: "A successful dive is one you return from" - and I think this saying applies to the quest for health, as well.
Eggs out
xx
The weekend was an amazing one. I am recounting all of my experiences after a week of "down-time" to sit and absorb all of my feelings on what happened. I, for all intents and purposes, climbed a mountain. I climbed a mountain trail, and I backpacked far away from home. I achieved three of my Active 2012 goals, and although I didn't feel it until two days later, I really pushed myself to the upper limits of my strength and endurance.
For part of the trail I had 60 pounds on my back. I loved every second of it. The feeling of being weighted and burdened, and the thrumming of a steady heart beat in my ears. Pushing myself beyond exhaustion and into a new realm of uncertainty is an amazing mental space. Other things stop mattering, sounds and vision tune out, and I become a single entity with the spirit of an Ox. Being pushed and abusing my senses in that way takes me to an entirely different level of existence, and I love it. Every minute of it is my own inner beast getting her chance to hunt and possess.
Being so primally charged, off in the wood, is also very soul-healing for me. Unfortunately I'm in a family that isn't (currently) much keen on the wilderness, but I hope that with time they might all come around to it. My daughter and I will be going camping soon so that I can get her out and active in the wilderness. I plan on showing her a few knife techniques, teaching her about wild edibles and different survival tactics. This is what life is all about (well, at least for me!)
