Fighting For Control

Things have been out of control lately. I feel like between hormones, life choices, food cravings and opportunity I've simply lost myself in the shuffle of being a complete hedonist. My weight has experience a pretty solid +/- 10lb weight gain and although this doesn't seem drastic to many, it is devastating when I sit and look at the overall picture.

I have been trying, for weeks, to get things back into control. Nothing I was doing has been actually working, though. I'm at the scary point now where I'm actually frustrated enough that I just don't care and have been letting myself indulge more and more often. Logically I know (looking back on the foods I'm eating) I'm really just going to end up with a larger gain. I truthfully am at a loss. A complete loss.

I've been more sedentary now, my food choices have been poorer, there has been more stress and there has been more traveling. There has to be a complete overhaul of my regularly occurring routine simply because variables have changed, but I don't quite know where to start...I have a feel the gym is going to be pivotal in this.

What I need to do is get home, take measurements, take stock, and then get back into +/- monthly goal setting. I think that is going to be the ticket into forcing my body back in to the range I was actually okay with it. Otherwise I'm going to stay on this downward spiral and end up larger, unhealthier, and ultimately unhappier.

I've spent part of the morning (it's 4:30am and I'm awake with worries in my mind) looking at forums to get ideas on my next step. I seen a very sad overabundance of 12-17 year old females wondering why their bodies aren't simply already 'perfect'. Remembering this awkward and sad stage of my own life I hope they all find their peace - and it keeps my depression over a ten pound gain in check. I say I don't know what I need to do, or I don't know what's happening, but I guess I really do. I do and I've been letting myself indulge and enjoy food for a change, which has led to this gain. Any addict will go right back into an addiction if they're allowed 'just as a taste'. I think I might need to ask for help, because I've already fallen down the slippery slope.

Maintenance is the hardest, and least gratifying stage of this entire journey. Keeping my weight where I want it -and- enjoying life? Seems like a task too large to handle alone, especially for someone tired of being a soldier all the time.

Eggs out
xx

Up, Up and Away

Climbing To The Top (It's my life...)

_________________________

The weekend was an amazing one. I am recounting all of my experiences after a week of "down-time" to sit and absorb all of my feelings on what happened. I, for all intents and purposes, climbed a mountain. I climbed a mountain trail, and I backpacked far away from home. I achieved three of my Active 2012 goals, and although I didn't feel it until two days later, I really pushed myself to the upper limits of my strength and endurance.

For part of the trail I had 60 pounds on my back. I loved every second of it. The feeling of being weighted and burdened, and the thrumming of a steady heart beat in my ears. Pushing myself beyond exhaustion and into a new realm of uncertainty is an amazing mental space. Other things stop mattering,  sounds and vision tune out, and I become a single entity with the spirit of an Ox. Being pushed and abusing my senses in that way takes me to an entirely different level of existence, and I love it. Every minute of it is my own inner beast getting her chance to hunt and possess.

My blog has been full of fears and uncertainty lately. I've been struggling to find my middle ground and my peace, and finally I believe at least one truth about myself: My body is meant to take it, or I couldn't do it. I can't wait until next time.

Being so primally charged, off in the wood, is also very soul-healing for me. Unfortunately I'm in a family that isn't (currently) much keen on the wilderness, but I hope that with time they might all come around to it. My daughter and I will be going camping soon so that I can get her out and active in the wilderness. I plan on showing her a few knife techniques, teaching her about wild edibles and different survival tactics. This is what life is all about (well, at least for me!)

Life is never more beautiful than when I'm hurting.

Eggs out
xx

An Emotional Feeder, An Active Enabler

VA Beach 2010

I'm an enabler. I see this in myself, someone I'd consider to be a 'feeder'. I'll cook these dishes for people with things in it I wish I could eat. I'll make rich cheese sauces, use whole rashers of bacon, white enriched pasta - garbage. There will be something I want to have a taste of, and I'll take a bite of it and then give the other 95% of what I did not finish to my husband, or my children. I never think about it when I'm doing it, but I'm a feeder.
On one hand I love to make the things I think people will like. On the other hand, I'll make myself a meal entirely separate from everyone else. I'll offer treats and things that I've made with love, but when I sit and look at the caloric counts in the foods I prepare it quite actually makes my blood pressure raise.

I can't have it, so someone else must. Or I have it, and I'll partake of a minuscule amount just to give it to someone else. Or, lastly, I'll eat it all until I'm physically ill.

I can't seem to get my mind around the struggles I have with food. I am working, hard, to maintain my weight. Every day is a struggle and a choice, and I do my utmost every day for myself, but when I see the impacts I am having on my husband (specifically) it makes my heart break. He had been doing so good with his weight loss, having gotten into the low 180's. He's back into the mid 190's and it's his fault, but a huge portion of the blame is mine to own. I make him crap. I'm an enabler. I'm a feeder. I'm the worst kind of person to try to be healthy around, which sounds like an oxymoron, but it's the truth.

Putting it down in black and white as part of a record breaks my heart. I'm going to do to those around me what I tried, and failed, to fight for my entire life. I can't imagine how to stop doing it though, because I never know I'm doing it until it's too late. I can't change the world, or make someone else's decisions for them...but I can present them with only the options I'd have for myself in order to help their wellness.

This stage of my weight loss has really caused a lot of introspection into the 'why' of my morbid obesity. The 'why' and how it affected everything. I'm not used to being referred to as 'small'. Someone said I was just a 'bitty' thing and I looked down and felt a moment of heart break. How could they lie to me to my face? My body issues need to stop at me, though, and I need to stop them there. I'm going to really try to change this behavior around - for myself, and those around me.

Eggs out
xx

On The Other Side Of The Binge

Today was a spectacular day of indulgence. Dare I say - A spectacular binge day. I ate every source of refined sugar and carbs I could get my hands on. French fries, frozen custard, pancakes and french toast covered in strawberry preserves, Waldorf salad, ice cream and German chocolate cake. I've been hurting to just 'be' for so long that I decided something, that I'll address in a minute.

I've got some things going on, personally and emotionally, that I'm not willing to share with the public that read my blog. I might face it some day, but today is not my day. Instead I'll keep these personal things that are happening quiet to a small group and work on improving the bigger picture for myself. Tonight I wrote poetry, something I had not done in over a decade. It was calming to go again to that happy place. Yesterday I attended a really interesting cooking class organized by my place of employment and hosted at the local Wegmans supermarket at their bistro bar.

I've been carrying on with my belly dance classes. My weekly schedule is facing a shift - I've never attended a class on my own before and I worry that once the regularly scheduled classes might be faced without the lovely company of the friend I've been attending with. The true test will be class this Tuesday, which I must attend alone since she will be out of town. If I manage to not talk myself out of going alone I think I'm going to keep paying for the classes, even after the end of the discounted 3 months program I purchased. I love going, and I love dancing. It makes me feel happy within myself to be able to perform such exotic dance moves without being overly erotic. I like the way I feel in my own skin (for the most part), but have also decided that it would be better without all the extra skin I have flapping around. I've also begun work on organizing my children's beautification program to raise personal and social responsibility in our youth. I'm keeping myself busy, but for the most part it has been stress free. And then today happened.

Today I had a many hour long intensive conversation with some family members. It brought many things up, and to light. For the most part I'd say it wasn't stressful, but was certainly more stress than I'm used to. I can't tell if it was my own stress, or my empathic nature feeding off of the stress and anxiety of those around me. I realized how often I've encountered discrimination in my life, even from the unlikeliest of sources. It used to make me feel like I never measured up, and I feel like that stayed with me even now. This is my own problem, my own issue to address - to own - to conquer, but it sometimes gets in my head how easily my perfect life can be corrupted by intolerance.

Regardless, this morning I decided something. I decided that I was going to eat what I wanted, when I wanted, in the quantity I liked today. I've found a natural urge to eat gross quantities of food, to the point the hunger-centers in my brain simply switch off and stop trying to warn me. I eat to the point of no return, and today I let it happen. I stopped fighting my body's demands, and I feel sick. I accomplished everything I wanted. I hope that the over-indulgence today will stop these screaming cravings I've encountered and will leave me feeling more whole and refreshed.

I plan on detoxing soon - getting my body rid of all the aspartame, frankenfoods, Monsato GMO's, preservatives and MSG that I've had this ongoing relationship with since I started Medifast. I'm going back to Eat to Live, now that I can tolerate a higher quantity of carbs without a huge rebound, and I'm going to start repairing the damage I caused tonight as soon as I wake tomorrow. I hope to find a refreshed perspective when I wake up on the other side of the binge.

I must own my life. I must take back control, in a more moderate fashion. As cave divers often say: "A successful dive is one you return from" - and I think this saying applies to the quest for health, as well.

Eggs out
xx

Just Came To Say Hello~!

Boring dietary update, woo! I managed to eat 17 grams of fat today - which actually involved me putting peanut butter on a spoon and sitting and eating it. Bleh. I've been doing this for the past three days because I have to in order to cycle my diet from low fat (8grams or less), to less-low fat (25 grams - ha! Like I ever meet that.)

With concerted effort I only managed to get up to 17 grams. I'm not complaining, because it's how I prefer to eat, but it gets frustrating that I stuff my face all day and then still see I can't hit 25 grams without putting a hunk of fat (peanut butter) in my body. I need to get some salmon and higher fat fishes.

On the upside I have amazing gallbladder/liver/kidney health. My colonic health is vastly improved from where it was, and I've got fruits, veggies and (some) beans/legumes back in my diet. I'm taking it slow with beans to avoid rebound (no more than 1/8c per day right now). Trying to wean back off the animal proteins and replace those with the carb-filled vegetable proteins.

I was never happier than when I ate fish but once a month, never touched cheese, ate egg white perhaps 3 times a month and called it a day. Beans, veggies, fruit and ground flax for a healthy dose of fat. The recovery from Medifaast is slow, but I am getting there! I can't complain since I did the damage to myself, but am quite happy that recovery is moving forward.

I've managed to maintain weight at +/- 155lbs for the past 4 months. I've been as high as 164 and as low as 149 in that time. It depends on what I'm doing, but generally speaking for the past month's time my morning weights are 155-157 pounds. I need to get some new batteries in my handheld analyzer so I can tape/measure/analyze and see where my body stacks up to where it has been in the past.

I'm a teensy bit sad that I don't have ask much to update in my blog anymore..feels like I'm letting a dear friend down - but I think I've started to outgrow that relationship and that is a good thing, even if a bit heartbreak-y :)

I get to go camping in two weeks time with a good friend. I will be crossing off two, or possibly three, things from my Active 2012 list. This upcoming month is going to be an amazing one. I've been happier, dancing more at home, I've been taking Thursday nights to have time with a friend belly dancing and then catching up over tea, getting out, and playing in my life.

I am finally coming into my own.

Eggs out
xx

Back In The Saddle (Again)

So, Robert made some good points recently. Among them are that I am never quite so happy and strong as when I am working out. Not just strong physically, but strong emotionally. I feel empowered, capable and, at times, simply vicious.

Making Soy Bacon/Caramel Sundaes

In the past four days, I've worked out hard during three of them. I've been alternating strength training with pretty aggressive cardio. I haven't been burning as many calories per session as I had been in my peak, but Friday saw me burn 467 calories (plus unknown number of calories burned during strength training), Saturday saw me burn 368 calories (plus unknown strength training calories burned), Sunday I took as a rest/high carb day, and then today I started my morning with a nice work out. I hit the Cybex machine, a stair stepping elliptical of sorts, and burned 554 calories (not including whatever I burned during strength training). It was pretty fun to be getting out and really feeling like I'm making a difference in my body. After working out, I had lunch with the children and then we went to the swimming pool for almost 2 hours. Another +/-150 calories there. Boy, it adds up.

On Thursdays I've also been doing belly dance with a friend at Magnificent Belly Dance in Manassas, VA. It's been calming and soothing at the same time as being challenging and fun. The time spent with a friend and connecting with another mother/adult is also great for one's emotional state.

It has been an uplifting past week. I'm making progress toward a healthier and happier me.

Eggs Out
xx

An Honest Exchange

This person is a person I see so much of myself in, mirrored back at me, that sometimes talking to them can cause severe discomfort. Working through it, because they are important to me, but we had a dialogue on a social media website about food addiction. I want to remember it forever.

Holly **************

15 minutes ago near Woodbridge · 

• Food addiction can be compared to an opiate addiction. I knew food could be addictive, but I didn't know just how much...

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    AS, CB and MG like this
  • • 
      
    • **** Just about anything can give you a dopamine fix--
      especially if your body doesn't make enough.
    • 
      

      ME: It makes me sad for the younger me that didn't know there
      

      were people who could help, and the current me who is struggling
      after feeding an addiction for so long :( Only one way to go from
      here though I guess. People understand drug and cigarette and
      alcohol addictions. A lot harder to get understanding and empathy
      for a food addiction. "Stop being fat, fatty!" - something I saw on a
      forum for overeaters before. Heh. disheartening :)
    • 
      

      ME: Also, in losing weight I'm realizing how broken things underneath
      the surface are, and have been, for so long Battling an addiction...yeesh!
      What an impossible thing it seems sometimes. Seriously never knew it
      could be compared to opiate addiction though. That's brutal.
    • **** Yeah, if you don't have a traditional eating disorder, it's easy to
      dismiss. That's unfortunate, because all disordered eating needs recognition.
    • **** ‎*hugs* Sending you a little strength. I'm a dopamine addict,
      myself, and food is one of the ways I have fed that addiction.
    • 
      

      ME: direction* And thanks. Wishing you as much success in battling
      your own demons. I've said it before and shall say it again..it's hard
      to believe how many skeletons can fit in one lil' ol' person.