[001] Day 1 of 8: Action Oriented Goal

[001]: May 31 (Action Oriented Goal day)
Elliptical (cardio) training: 20 min/res5/0.71dist/364cal
Arm (strength) training: 5min/res5/0.16 dist/85.5cal
Daily Goal: Met
AM Weight: 225.0 lbs

Sidenote: Yesterday moving rooms and cleaning I burned a ton of calories! Construction/remodeling 20min 198c/ Housework 120min 594c/ Rearranging furniture 60 min 675c. Total calories burned: 1467. Awesome.

I've come too far to turn back now...

I've fallen off of the wagon when I feel like a taste of the "good life" (where everything makes sense and the weight is falling off) is just around the corner. I've been stuck for the past two months, and have even gained a little. The weight is happy where it is, and I haven't lost any inches (self measured, not official).

I still have nine days left until my last and official weigh in and I'm a bit disheartened. I know sometimes we just hit plateaus and there isn't anything much to be done about it without paying for a professional trainer. I know where I'm failing in my diet, and I see clearly what more I could be doing as far as exercise goes. Sometimes it's so easy to fall into an old rut and hop right back into those damaging old habits.

Did I need that handful of cookies? No. But believe me, they were delicious. Tonight I ate a fried egg sandwich on bread with a Laughing Cow light cheese wedge. I don't normally eat gluten and I don't normally eat egg, and I don't normally eat cheese. Why is my body craving all the things I don't normally eat all of a sudden? I am starting to feel bored and starting to feel denied. My body is screaming for processed food, and processed sugar. I'm detoxing hard, and then giving in before I finally kick the processed crap out of my system and get over the need for fast/easy calories.

I'm still feeling good in my skin, and comfortable in my body. I'm still feeling happy with myself, although I clearly see how much further I have yet to go. My scale at home weighs heavy, but it has me at 225 in the mornings. That would be a three pound increase since last weigh in - what could have caused this? I know my hormones have been outrageously out of control lately and I'm not sure the cause of that either. Adult acne breakouts, hormonal related emotional issues and a general feeling of tiredness and being run down. My stomach has started rebelling when I eat too much and sometimes "too much" is a perfectly average (if not small) sized meal.

I know what I'm doing wrong, and I know how to get back on track, but I'm still burning calories enough to create a deficit and I'm still eating 75% "on diet". A few cookies and a fried egg sandwich shouldn't cause such a strange fluctuation! This must be one of those weight loss mysteries that has something to do with a rebellious body trying to maintain a current weight rather than pushing forward like I want it to.

I won't stop here. 225 in the morning, and 227 at night is not acceptable to me. Not after having lost 108lbs as of last weigh in. I worry sometimes I might have gone too hard, too fast, and without medical tests to monitor my health as I make the changes. Could this be some kind of hormonal backlash to losing a petite adult woman? I've come too far to turn back now, either way...

Action Oriented Goal: (May 31- June 7) Exercise at least 20min/day elliptical, at least 4x arm exercises and 3x sit up.
Passive Oriented Goal: (June 1-June 8) Eat to Live 100%, no eating out.
End goal: (May 31-June 8) Get a successful weigh in at Curves of any number under 220lbs, maximum 219.9lbs.

Society And All Its Ills

One of the people I'm friends with posted this picture on their Facebook wall. Although I see the obvious discomfort of having your mother's butt squished into your face it still upset me.  How can this kind of a thing be made a spectacle on the Internet? It's so sad, and what a horrible attitude to find this a source of amusement. To me I could only focus on the positives: 1) She's a larger woman riding a bicycle, burning calories and getting healthier. 2) She's bringing her child along for bike rides and the child will remember these as bonding moments, even with no helmet on (bad!) and despite Mom's butt in her face. 3) Who's to say she hasn't been trying to lose weight, perhaps she's already succeeded some, and perhaps she's still busting booty every day just to end up ridiculed for her continued efforts.

Ridicule McDonalds, tut tut school lunches and their lack of whole nutrition, blame the cuts to the education system that gets rid of P.E, point the finger at whatever out there that makes people bigger than they need to be - but don't attack the people trying their best to do better for themselves. If someone who is larger, or unhealthy, or has a condition chooses to eat crap - let them. It's no one's place to judge. If they get so big their heart explodes well..I suppose that's their choice and they've brought themselves to that consequence. You can't be alive today and not know the difference between healthy food and fast food. If someone has started eating themselves to death and then makes the realization that it's not the way they want to live their lives then the only thing they should receive is love and encouragement.

This kind of crap makes me so angry because I worry sometimes that I'm perceived the same way. Someone might look at me now at 225 pounds and think I'm a lardybutt that does nothing but eat doughnuts and watch television. The reality is that I've worked hard to get to where I am, and no one has the right to ridicule me or try to take that away. I really wish people would give fat jokes a break - It is the final frontier of socially acceptable jokes on a specific demographic. I don't think racism, sexual preference, or religion are areas that most people (some people are still awful, but thankfully none that *I* know) feel comfortable making jokes about. Why is it that sizism is still perfectly is okay?

Society makes me so unhappy sometimes. Let's all stop judging and start loving a little more, okay? :) And hidden in all of that "society is poopy!" mini-rant, I have a goal: Getting back on Eat to Live solidly, no exceptions, starting TOMORROW. at 12:01am on May 24, 2011 my butt is getting back to basics and I'm going to start doing what I know works for me since I've gained a few pounds. I'm not sure how and I'm mostly just praying it is either water retention or muscle mass or something like that. Who knows *why* it is, I just know I have to beat it. Weigh-in in 16 days. It'll be my final weigh-in at Curves! :(

"If you pay attention to when you are hungry, what your body wants, what you are eating, when you've had enough, you end the obsession because obsession and awareness cannot coexist." -Geneen Roth 

 

Eggs out xx

Relay for Life: Triumphs and Failures

All kitted out.

Let's start off by saying I think the Relay for Life is an amazingly good cause. I think next year if I decide to participate (which I most likely will) that putting together my own team of friends and family will be the single key ingredient to making it an absolutely memorable experience for me. I'm thinking board games, card, games and a roster of participants and their designed walking hours to make it so people don't have to be tethered and wondering exactly what is going on and how it all works!

Regardless though, it was a worthwhile cause and a wonderful experience to be a part of something bigger! The end result was through all your generous donations I managed to raise $521.00 - $321.00 more than my original goal and in only 29 days! At a 3.2mph clip I walked 7.2 miles, and burned approximately 842 calories. What a night for weight loss.

Participants Lap

This event did teach me a few things about myself and my body though, and for that I'm grateful. Firstly, I have more stamina and endurance than people think I do. I have a love/hate relationship with the way other people seem to underestimate me. Secondly, in my mind's eye I am bigger than I am in reality (case in point: I ordered a size 2X shirt that needed to be tucked up, cut down and pinned in to look like a shirt rather than a night gown).  Thirdly, I don't deal well with negativity - whether it is actual or perceived, my own or not. And for the grand finale of "things I've learned about me": I must be gaining a crap ton of muscle because my quad muscles are rock solid (now to translate that to my inner thighs hehe!) and my weight is a pretty solid 225 (223 actual) on the scale. I know it's only been one week since I weighed in at 223lbs at my official weigh in but it does help my head-space to see the scale dropping toward the 100's rather than rising up the other way. I've kind of accepted that this is just another one of those things everyone losing weight has to deal with and that I really should cut myself some more slack.

Fabulous Hat is Fabulous!

I'm exercising daily and trying my hardest so that's all I can do! As a reward I bought myself a new hat from a local Thrift Shop. Isn't it fabulous? On May 8th I did my weigh/measure at Curves and decided on that day that I'd start a daily exercise routine. I've been keeping an exercise log (as I always have) and decided that I'd plop down the last week's results for a recap. It is Sunday - Sunday.

Beautiful People

I had a nice long visit from a friend yesterday and it got my brain thinking and processing about how others perceive their body image, and how they see themselves stacking up to other people. I'd like to say I'm fascinated by the limitations we like to place on ourselves ("Can't", or "Shouldn't" because have boobs too big, hips to wide, a waist too thick) but it's really just too sad. I'm so happy to be personally away from the self-hating Rage!Depression!Sadness! that came with feeling too fat to be fabulous, but all of that negativity is placed with a deep-seated and empathic sense of pity for the women out there with less far to go toward their goals that are the only person in their lives that think they are ugly, or not good enough!

Body Dysmorphic Disorder

When did it become okay to look at our body and loathe it. Hell, after all the average North American woman puts her body through we should probably be groveling for forgiveness. Yesterday I said something that marked a huge turn around in my self-esteem and all the other feel goods. I now am happy enough to look at anything and know I can make it work. Give me a brown paper bag and I will absolutely rock it - I feel good inside, and my outside is taking time and effort to catch up but it IS getting there.

With all of the emotional, mental, social, economical problems in our daily lives I can't imagine adding "ugly stress" (which is completely 100% self-created) helps anyone. Maybe we got teased in school, or our mothers set bad examples about dieting, or our fathers called us fat, or we never learned proper nutrition - whatever the cause of someone's weight gain, there comes a point where adult accountability comes in and it becomes your job to love yourself and teach your daughters (and sons) to love themselves too.

Speaking of one life to live, I'll be running in the 5k Zombie Race in October. I wonder how long my humanity will last before I become devoured by Zombies, eek! I'm going to train hard, think fast, watch zombie movies and hope for the best. I'm also doing the Relay for Life this weekend and photos are certainly to come. So far I've raised OVER $500.00 for the American Cancer Society's Relay for Life. With only two days left until the event I think I did simply awesome considering my original goal of $200.00. Thanks to all my friends and family for their amazing generosity - I could not have done it without you.

So with all of that said, my challenge to the women in my life is this: Figure out what item you've always wanted to wear, and have never felt confidence enough to, and rock it! Listen to more feel-good music too, I really love Benny Benassi's (ft. Chris Brown) "Beautiful People". What an empowering song. I wish more people realized their own worth and accepted all that they have to offer. STOP HIDING, PEOPLE~! Get out there, make friends, be happy, rock your body (even if it has wiggly bits and jiggly blops) and have a good time. There's only one life to live, right?

"Everywhere everywhere
Everywhere I go
Everywhere that I've been
The only thing I see is
Is beautiful people

Live your life, live your life
Let the love inside
It's your life it's your life
Your beauty is deep inside, inside you
Don't let em' bring you down, no
Your beauty is inside you
Dont let em' bring you down, no

Take your time take your time
Take your sexy time
Dont lose your head lose your head
Your beauty's deep inside, inside you
Don't let 'em bring you down no
Your beauty is inside you
Don't let 'em bring you down, no 

Live your life, live your life
Let the love inside
It's your life it's your life
Got to make it right
Beautiful people"

-Benny Benassi ft. Chris Brown

Eggs out

xx

May's weigh-in - Pleasantly surprised!

I always, without fail, go into a weigh-in with a sense of dread and fear. Something nagging on me, that I didn't do enough, should have done more, and that when the number on the scale pops up I'll be disappointed with myself and what I've done. I don't often think of it during the month, but at the weigh in I think back and wonder, "Should I really have had that piece of pie? Did I really need to eat that candy? What did I do instead of going for a run or doing something for my health?" Thankfully this month I had enough conquests over my weight that I don't regret anything I did one little bit! It seems I've busted booty and I couldn't be more thrilled!

 

So, all in all that translates as 8.8lbs lost, and 8.5 total inches lost. That's really just fabulous for my self confidence! I've been getting out and doing more, and feeling much better (generally speaking) about myself and my body. I still catch myself doing the "Oh I wish I didn't have this/that/the other" whenever I glance in a mirror or see a picture of myself that I don't love but ultimately? I am happy with my progress.

My clothes are a 16 on top and an 18 on bottom and I'm finally starting to feel like I'm getting my curves back. The nice curves though, not the lumpy bumpy ones - you know, the kind I can celebrate! The things that I'm most pleased with are 1) The fact my abdominal measurements are smaller than my hip measurements for the first time since I started losing weight. This is the first measurement where I'm proportioned properly and, 2) My BMI is in the 30's now, at 39.5. Considering I started my weightloss journey with a 60.5 BMI I think that's a pretty huge accomplishment. Finally; 3) Due to losing weight my posture has improved dramatically. I got my height measured at 5'3", versus my 'normal' 5'2" - this is a rather interesting turn of events. I'm pleased with the improved posture, less stress on my joints, and a spine that is less compressed. When you're 5'2" tall every little bit of height helps ;)

The rest of this update is going to consist of a rather large photo dump, since I've been going out a lot and have had photos taken of me (And have taken them of myself) to celebrate this weigh in and how good I'm feeling about myself.I hope you enjoy them, as I will certainly enjoy looking back on them in a few month's time!

Eggs out xx