The Ups and Downs of Changing Body Image

I know I posted awhile ago about loving my body, even with the damage gaining so much weight had originally done to it - but I must say it is so hard to keep that attitude going. There are parts of me that I love, and other parts of me that I love much less. My inner thighs, my stomach, my underarms..all of it is quite disheartening at times. I know I'm working to improve myself though, and so that keeps me going!

Tonight I took a photo of my bicep and forearm development to show my mother, and this is a part of me that I just love. It makes me feel good about myself - the muscle definition is like a badge of honor.

I'm going to leave tonight on that thought, and think a little more on it for another blog post on another day.

Eggs out
xx

December's Weigh-In - Slow and Steady

Today marks the day of my official weigh-in, and the day of Robert's first official weigh-in! I was super excited to do this month's weigh-in because Robert has been doing his own thing to lose weight. He's joined me at Gold's Gym and we work out together a few times a week. I'm pretty serious about training these days, even though I'm still nursing that injured ligament. I hit the stairs at the gym last night, and then did quite a few different machines. Even though this weigh-in isn't as drastic as I've become accustomed to, I think I just need to get it in my head that it's going to take really concerted efforts to pull big numbers from here on in.

It's hard to believe I only have 43 pounds to go!

So as far as the 'meat and potatoes' of the weigh-in goes, I have to say I'm not unhappy with it. I know I've worked hard, and I know I've kept my diet clean. A few weeks ago I was having some serious struggles with my diet and the psychological issues surrounding food, but I think I've started to get some things sorted out. I never want to get to a point where food controls me. I never want to get to a point where I have to control food. It's going to take time and effort to get everything where I want it, but I can manage.

 

Inches lost were respectable enough, I suppose. 2.75" overall, nothing at all like my 7.5"+'s that I've been getting. I know the more I work out the larger my muscles might become. For example, my calf is up a quarter inch. I'm not too worried about it though, since I know that I'm moving in a positive direction. I'm really close to breaking that plateau where building muscle will (hopefully) smash through and out-perform the weight loss I had doing cardio and diet only. And, even though I'm not losing oodles of weight I am fitting my clothes much better. Things are loose, even though my weight isn't changing drastically, and that is exciting!

My goal for January's weigh in is 171.Xlbs. That should put me at 165 for the cruise. That's 7 pounds this month and 6 pounds the next. Losing weight is getting so much harder, I'm a little nervous about this goal. I normally set goals, and just believe that I'll make it. This time I'm setting the goal and just hoping.

At 300 pounds I could drop 10 pounds and that'd be 3.3% of my body weight. Now that I'm down to 178.0 pounds, losing 6 pounds is all it takes to hit that same percentage. That's four pounds less. I know it's all simple math, however it's that much harder to hit 6 pounds at 178, than it was to hit 6 pounds at 300. Phew!

Robert's numbers are extremely awesome! His neck between last month and this (well, technically 3 weeks) hasn't changed, he's lost an inch off of his chest, 3.5 inches off of his waist, 2.5 inches off of his abs,  his right thigh has stayed the same, he's lost a half inch off his right arm, his right calf has stayed the same, his hips are down 0.75 inches and he's down 2.6lbs (but he's packed on the muscle!) His BMI is down by 0.5, and his body fat is down by 0.7%.  All awesomely exciting things!

Well I'm going to just keep chugging along. 171.X by January 8, 2012. Happy New Year to me (I hope!)

Eggs out
xx

One Day I'll Be Free

I saw a picture of myself on Facebook today, an old post from Christmas 2007, and I felt my eyes sting with tears. The emotion I saw looking at myself, a picture of me at my heaviest (330lbs+) and I almost broke down.

That skirt, a part of the suit I had to wear at work, could now easily be used to cover the whole of my body if I needed a blanket. My heart just feels so heavy. I can't believe I let that happen to myself. I made it happen.

There's going to be a lot of recovery needed for me after this. I think I got into a happy head space where I forgot everything that had been, and was focused solely on everything that is to come. Reminders of this ugly past...they don't sit well.

I am still nursing an injured right knee ligament, but I hit the gym pretty hard today. No serious complication with the knee, so hopefully I can hit it even harder tomorrow.

Every weight lifted, every mile ran, every calorie burned, and every drop of sweat is just one more thing to carry me away from all that I was. All that I hated.

One day I will be free.

Eggs out.
xx

Crusader of the Lost Art - A Personal Reflection

You don't reckon that George-Lucas will have a problem with the highly apparent thiefing of the title of such an amazing film, do you? I hope not, because I am starting to put on my crusader gear and it fits really nicely.

I really think that when I hit my goal weight I'm going to want to take nutrition classes, get some kind of certification under my belt, and then think about becoming a physical trainer. Who knows if I'll just be tired of it all when my goal weight rolls around, but I love what I do right now and I have loved it since I started.

I love how my friends drop me an email to let me know how proud of themselves they are with completing a physical activity. I love how people take the time to share the great new changes they've made in their diets. I love that I'm asked for tips and hints on making diet and exercise more efficient. I'm not a professional, and I don't think myself anywhere near one, but I do love sharing everything that I've learned and everything I know that works as it relates to me.

I love the way we can all share our common interests and experiences. It makes me feel so interconnected when people share this with me. It makes me feel as if I'm part of that social group with common likes and interests that I missed out on in high school and of course, college. It took me so long to find the real me, the 'me' that I had buried under pounds of fat and misery.

Well I've found a goodly portion of myself now, and I'm happy to say that she's here to stay.

I'm not sure people realize how hard this entire transformation has been on me emotionally. There is a lot of pressure and expectation I have to live up to every single day. A lot of it is self-imposed, but a lot of it is imposed by others without them even realizing it. So many people think I'll fail or rebound eventually. So many people are un-supportive of my efforts. Some people are condescending of my choices. So many people are offended when I won't bend my stances on things that I have proven work for *me*. I have an obligation, as part of the new me, to be kind and understanding to those people and to continue proving them wrong.

There isn't a choice. I need to continue peak performance. I need to continue showing positive movement. At times I feel like I'm playing a game of 'me against the world'. Perhaps it's part of my competitive nature, and perhaps it is that part of me that will make me finish this whole journey successfully. I don't know what it is, I just know I must succeed and I know that being under the gun every day for a year and a half is exhausting.

I extend amazing amounts of personal strength, physically and emotionally, to keep the wheels of this big machine going. I don't mention this to talk myself 'up' as it were, I simply want to make sure the friends that read this understand. Sometimes I can't understand things, sometimes I'm not on the ball of what is happening, and even though I love my friends I need to carve out a nice big hole in my time to make sure I love me too. I love me by making me healthy and stomping out the negative voices I hear around me every day. Sometimes giving my 100% best to getting healthy, means that I'm not always my 100% best in other areas of my life. I hope you'll all understand and forgive me if I've let you down, knowingly or unknowingly.

I've taken friends to the gym with me, and talked to them on the phone about fitness, exchanged emails and ideas online. I love it...so if anyone wants to continue that open dialogue with me I'm always here for that! It strengthens me and keeps me going. A serious kudos to several friends for being able to keep up with me and/or with their personal goals lately, both at the gym and at home. Your strength is inspiring, as always!

Eggs out
xx