A Complete 180 - Bully Awareness

When I hit 180 lbs I will be having a party. I'm not sure of the details just yet, but I *will* be having a party. It will probably be in July, if I can somehow continue to lose 10lbs per month since I'm only 50lbs away from this monumental goal!

As a weebie! Aren't I so cute?

Why the party, you ask? Well 180lbs has so many meanings as I discovered last night whilst talking with my husband. 180 is a sore number to me because in sixth grade, during our trip to commemorate our last year of grade school, we went to Ski Martock, in Atlantic Canada. At the ski counter they need to calibrate your set of rental ski/snowboard/etc to your specific weight, and I remember the shame and leaning over the counter to whisper "180 pounds..." to the man doing the calibrations as all my classmates looked on.

So, 180lbs will take me back to my last absolutely known weight in the 100's. In seventh grade I had steadily climbed over 200lbs, and honestly my weight was completely lost to me during that time. I remember dating someone in seventh grade, before he became 'popular' and after I dumped him and moved on he fell in with the more popular crowd...I still remember sitting on the bus three years later and having his friends tease him about how he and I had gone out, and they called out to me to confirm. From the pleading look in his eyes I knew he didn't want me to say anything, and as much as that was a smack in the face I decided to roll my eyes, tell them all to fuck off with a flick of a finger, and go back to my mp3 player. I neither confirmed, nor denied..I put it in his hands to deal with it and I don't have to guess very hard that he vehemently denied it having ever happened.

Brownies! Before weight had taken hold.

I was always the butt of every joke and always the least athletic. I was never, ever, truly happy. My mother has asked me before, probably rhetorically, what ever was 'so really wrong with my life' as I was struggling with depression/acting out....and that's the answer. Cold-hearted bullies that beat me down, beat my self-confidence into a pulp, and then continued to torment me until I forgot how to cry anymore. I was so into the habit of being large and being picked on that nothing ever seemed like it could change. I eventually had a reliable group of friends, and a boyfriend, that made me feel more secure and things stayed good. After he and I broke up, he being what I'd consider my first 'true love' I hit a downward spiral unlike anything I have ever experience. That first love was everything to me at the time, and still weighs so heavily on my heart. The group of friends was torn in two, and everything you'd expect from a bad breakup occurred. I think my heart really did break..not in the parting, but in the refusal to ever speak to me again, something he has remained steadfast to until this day.

My..what a walk down memory lane. I was horribly bullied and tormented, worse than anyone would ever have known (since I didn't mention much). I lashed out at everyone, I lashed out at myself, I wanted so desperately to crawl out of my skin that I had dreams, that to others seemed like nightmares, of being able to take a blade and peel my skin off like the layers of an onion until the only thing left was a white, gleaming skeleton. A skeleton I could rest in the grass, and let be absorbed by the earth.

My Aunt's wedding. Before weight had really taken hold.

I wasn't emo, I was horribly depressed. I was horribly imbalanced. I had no sense of self, and I struggled with this for years. I wanted to suffer because I felt that was truly all I deserved. I started fights with my family because I felt their persecution was what I deserved.

I hated...everything.

Portia, pictured left, helped me reclaim a piece of 'me'.

I'm better now, but reaching 180lbs to me is a driven mission; a goal I must accomplish and must accomplish as soon as possible. At my largest a friend of mine dragged me to NAAFA meetings where I learned to love/accept myself at my fattest..and truly accepting myself is what made losing weight to be healthier possible. Through her horrible suicide, the one I witnessed firsthand, seeing her blood cover the wall and the smell of gunpowder fill the room...it changed me. It freed me from the prison I'd built around myself, and so I started..slowly to reclaim what it was that makes me me. Slowly, at first, I reclaimed my mental and emotional stability. And now I'll be damned to hell if I let anyone stand in the way of me reclaiming my physical stability.

Please, teach your children not to be bullies. Teach them not to be soul-murdering, heart-breaking bullies. Bullies do nothing but destroy everything they touch, they leave no happy memories, no sweet smiles....they leave nothing but a thick slice of pain and hatred and continue to stomp their victims into the ground long after they're gone from the victim's life.


180? Here I come.

Eggs out.

Mall Scores: Product Reviews

Fear the Shoes! Fila "Sculpt-And-Tone" in Silver/Purple.

So, yesterday we we went out to a local shop at Potomac Mills Mall and I found two great new scores! A pair of new sneakers, akin to the Sketchers "Shape-Ups", with the rocker sole. I call it a rocker sole for lack of knowing what else to call it, but I think that sums it up nicely.

I ended up paying $29.99+taxes for this pair of shoes, which I think is an awesome price considering the Shape-Up's run $59.99 or higher, depending on what options you choose and from which retailer you purchase them. The theory behind this shoe is that when you walk your heel sinks into the heel of the sole, it's softer there, and I think what Fila/Sketchers/Etc ultimately wants the consumer to feel is an experience like walking in sand. I have to say that based on my personal experience there is no sand-walking similarity (and boy is walking long distances in sand HARD, or what?!) and that I have noticed no extreme advance in my workout or toning whilst walking in these shoes. In their defense, however, I will note that I find them very stylish (Eeee! Purple,black and silver!), very comfortable (like walking on clouds. Perfectly cushioning to the foot), and very good at helping you keep the pace up and not fall behind (the rocker bottom helps to propel you forward, but not in an awkward way that makes you feel like you're falling.)

New dress, with new Cacique bra.

The second item I procured was a new dress in a very happy, very springy, very not-black colour! Long live teal on fair-skinned individuals, right? The idea behind the dress was to have something nice to wear on the cruise which is only one week away! I also procured a new bra (since I had shrunk out of all of my other ones, and only had ones that were too small left!). The new bra is wonderful, and I got it from Cacique at Lane Bryant. I highly recommend this line, because at least in my experience, they last a long time, don't warp or change shape and most importantly? They hold everything up where it belongs..which is nice ;)

Tonight I am headed to a friend's house to see if she can help me take in my wedding dress. It's at least one size, if not two, too big, and I doubt that rigging it with safety pins will last the entire day on Saturday when my husband and I go to renew our vows together. Plus I'm taking it on the cruise with me..I can't imagine a more dreamy location for wedding dress pictures than a beach in the Bahamas!

Eggs out.

Weighing In On The Issues: Weightloss and Family

Several of my friends are also losing weight, many right alongside with me. By that I mean that we give each other daily or every-other-daily updates on how we're doing and what we're doing that seems to work. Recently I've found great success with simply adding in as much walking as I can physically manage! Once the blisters subside and heal, I'm left with a firmer butt, and firmer thighs. Who on earth could complain about that? ;) That plateau I was facing a few days back was something I broke through with dramatic flourish, and as of this morning weighed-in at my all-time low of 243.5 pounds - Wahey! Since I started my weightloss efforts I've lost 32.5 inches overall and 86.2 pounds

Anyway, so back to my related musings. The issue a lot of my friends are facing are things like well-meaning saboteur's within their family, people with weight-loss complexes imposing their ideas of what 'healthy weight loss' should be, and then dealing with the Negative Nancy that insists an eating disorder must be the reason for the recent accomplishments because my friend's willpower is assumed to be non-existent. I wonder how these friends of mine combat these issues, while still remaining positive. I should ask, because as much as it is my job to listen I think that learning how to handle the people in life that are offering damaging influence is also very important. I don't know why some people have this *need* to sabotage others, and then get upset about how unhealthy they are! It seems so counter-productive. :(

The biggest issue I find, based on what I hear, seems to be almost like the people surrounding those losing weight are either a bit jealous of the results (but not so jealous as to put the work in themselves), or they don't know how to face the changes for the better that the other person is making. Either way, it seems like the issues the friends and family are facing are all completely focused on issues they have within themselves.

Yesterday was the once-monthly weigh-in at the gym! The numbers are looking GREAT. I was a bit concerned, but I managed to pull off a very solid 9.6 pounds of weight loss, and 9.25" overall inch-loss!
I was definitely concerned about the blood pressure, which seems to be running high...but I initially got three error messages before that result popped up and the person taking it told me it might very well be a false reading. Who knows! I hope the ol' ticker is holding up to the stress of weight loss, but it has so far so I really don't have any reason to suspect those numbers are anything but 'off'. The one thing I love BEST about the chart to the left? Check out the thighs, arms and waist! Three places I find it VERY hard to lose inches, and yet the inches just flew off this past month. WAHEY!

Hope you are having a wonderful, sabotage-free evening!

Eggs out.

Plateau is here, there, and everywhere!

Peek-a-Boo!

I've been stuck on/about 250lbs for what seems like ages. At least a month. I've been as low as 244, and been as high as 252. I live in a pretty 'middling' area of 247-249 pounds and I must say it is driving me insane. I know it's my own fault, I might be doing the diet part of things but I'm not getting out and getting the cardio and strength building that my body needs to successfully lose weight.

The gym has been hard to attend, and since I'm not one to make excuses I'll honestly fess up and simply say I just haven't wanted to go. I pay for it, wasting hundreds of dollars so far, but I haven't been able to find the get up and go to actually haul my booty there and work out. I've been walking a lot recently, 7.9 miles in the past week! That excites me and makes me happy. And as a break from the normal collection of me-photos I've included some photos of my nieces and son playing at the park we stopped at halfway through our walk.

My amazing sister-in-law, also working on weight-loss!

According to a website I found Calculate Calories Burned While Walking I was able to determine that I've burned approximately 1047 calories over the course of those 7.9 miles. Other than actually getting into the gym I've got no idea what else I need to do to lose weight at home. Any advice? This girl is STUCK.

Adorable Mr. Man

On Thursday I'm headed to a Bra Fitting Salon to pick up a bra that will hopefully work for the upcoming Renewal of Vows, as well as on a day-to-day basis. I'm excited to finally get a bra that will actually fit, mine are all either 100% too big or 100% too small - It's impossible to keep buying bras when my weight (for the most part) keeps dropping and nothing fits longer than a few weeks. Hopefully the bra salon works out for both my body AND my pocketbook!

Eggs out!

Wedding Dress Woes

In looooove <3

My husband and I are doing a rather showy anniversary party to celebrate 5 years of marriage together. Since we didn't have a full wedding the first time around (Courthouse) we decided then that on our 5th anniversary when money was a bit more available that we'd go ahead and have the wedding we (re: I) always wanted. The planning is going well and everything is sliding into place, but the one thing I didn't realize could possibly occur until last Saturday when we went to get Bridal portraits done was that just because *I* shrink, doesn't mean my wedding dress shrinks along with me!

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With the help of a friend's savvy know-how and mad skills with some safety pins I was able to be pinned into a dress which has been determined to be at least one size, if not two, too large. Considering I bought this only a few months ago I'm astounded that I've now shrunk out of it. It's a David's Bridal (bridal boutique) size 20, which means it fits like a US size 18. Which is great as a measure of my progress, but a horrid pain in the bum since I know need to get it sized.

The bust is lose, even after pinning.

However, in the interests of being thankful I will say the following: I have hit 244.0lbs on the scale. That is an amazing accomplishment. My dress proves I fit solidly into a US size 18, which is a great accomplishment. I got too small for the dress, rather than too large, which means I lost another heart-healthy 10+ pounds which is a great accomplishment. I have a wonderful friend who is going to help me alter the dress, which is an amazing financial blessing, and I have a wonderful husband who loves me, and will always love me, despite whatever silly weight-related self-worth issues I get floating about in my head!