What Fills My Bag - Emotional Baggage

I've made so many dips into the uncomfortable, the sad, the angry and the frightening on my journey. My heavy weight was a constant companion and losing it is almost as hard emotionally as being fat is in the first place. Changing the capacity in which food was in my life and truly working on changing that relationship with food has left me at times with the feeling that I can't do anything. At times I'd feel like I couldn't do anything, I never figured it would be as hard as it has been or that it would be that emotional.

Looking back I see that it was emotions that caused the problems in the first place. Always feeling like I was the first to be teased or taunted and now whenever someone pays me a compliment I don't know how to respond. I don't know if I believe it. For so long I was the person people would whisper about and that mentality eventually breaks you down. It breaks you down until you believe it. If I'm already "The Fat Girl" then I might as well just sit at home, do nothing and stuff my face. Find solace in the fantasy world of books, or play video games where at least the cruel judgements that society paid me were less loud.

Fat girls can't go out and shop anywhere. Fat girls can't eat in public without being judged. Fat girls can't wear the cute or sexy clothes they'd like to. Some do, and power to them, but I have a feeling most fat girls were like me...perhaps saying they were proud and 'okay' being the size they were but truly miserable inside. Miserable because society thinks that making fat people unhappy is somehow okay. I have a personal philosophy that no one can get to be that big on the outside if they aren't really hurting (medically, emotionally, psychologically) on the inside.

I've been sitting and thinking about my motivations, about why I got started, about how I'm going to find the strength to finish this when I've never finished anything so important before in my life. It's so confrontational that I just want to duck my head under the covers and pretend it all doesn't exist anymore.

When I was approaching being under 200lbs I felt the twinge of all of this. How dare I change the me that I'd always been? Do I have the right to pull myself from the mold that society had cast me in? Was I strong enough not to crack? 200 was a hugely scary number for me to break through and I think that showed in my weight loss results. I wonder how much of that plateau I hit was just emotional, and had nothing to do with the physical.

This brings me to present day. I finally managed to get through a plateau that had dogged me since the end of November - probably my longest lasting plateau to date. Now I have a lot of struggles with being intimate due to my changing body image. In my head I'm still a "fat girl" and feeling undesired therefore undesirable. I don't know what I have in my mind as "desirable" because I don't find people who are terribly skinny to be attractive either. There is so much emotional baggage that comes with gaining weight. I look at it all like this:

There's a ton of emotional baggage we pack in our 'suitcase' when we gain weight. When we decide to lose weight we decide to unpack that suitcase. We also choose to remember all the hurt and pain we'd packed away. It takes so much strength to confront all the things in the dark corners of our 'suitcases'. Unpacking the baggage that got us in a bad place is the only healthy option, but it certainly isn't the easy option...

Thrifting And Goals Made In Ignorance

Yesterday was spent thrifting with a friend at a local thrift shop. I always have a lot of success with cute finds at this location, and on Sundays and Mondays certain clothes that are tagged in certain colours are also 50% off their ticket price. This makes for articles of clothing as low as $2 or $3 per piece, which is great for a girl constantly getting too small for her clothing. The biggest issues I had in shopping were the chest and waist. The waist is always so much smaller than my hips, so my waist needs a size 10, but my hips need a 12. It's great that I love wearing skirts and dresses because I can find a size 10 dress that fits me true to size and then flows out from there. The only complication with that is, of course, my bust which is rather considerable. Finding a dress that fits everything where it needs to is normally quite hard but yesterday I was really successful! I'll plonk a few pictures of the favourite outfits I bought in this entry.

I've also been a bit slack at the gym lately. There has been a lot of stress, and the stress has really impacted my motivation. I'm really giving my diet as much attention as I can knowing that I just haven't felt up to working out. I know I should be harder on myself, less forgiving...I have plans tonight, but starting tomorrow (Tuesday) I'm going to hit the gym every day until Saturday. Even if I just go and take a leisurely ride or walk, I'm going to be there and be present. I picked up some weights at home so I can do squats, lunges, curls, extensions and ab work at home with those if I just feel like doing cardio at Gold's. I'm holding myself accountable here, because I must. Unlike a specific weight goal and saying I want to be x-weight by x-day, these weekly goals of activity or diet are much more achievable.

For example, I wanted to be 165 lbs by the cruise, and I set that goal rather ignorantly. I think I might possibly be able to make it to +/- 170 lbs if I bust my butt in the gym, but setting a goal weight was just..well, ignorance! I have been doing a lot to build muscle (upping protein, weight lifting, changing my diet to accommodate the lifting, etc) and since I haven't done that before I couldn't possibly have known how that would affect me. However, goals of taking a daily multivitamin have been really helpful to my overall health and is a goal I was able to stick to. I think in the past 20 days I've only forgotten the multivitamin about 5 of those days. I'm aware that's a forget rate of 25%, however I'm learning to make it a habit. Considering I would often have a forget rate of 80% or higher, I think that is progress. Taking a daily mutlivitamin doesn't make me feel any more different in ways that I've been able to put my finger on as directly attributed, but I have noticed I've been less exhausted and have therefore been taking less naps. I normally need to nap at least three times a week to keep my energy levels up, not something I like admitting but I have a lot of sleep problems and insomnia and am therefore chronically fatigued. Hormones, chemical ups and downs, working out, children, life, finances...sometimes a nap is just what the doctor ordered.

So I've learned that the number on the scale is something that will come in its own time. I know people have said this to me, but this is my journey. Getting as big as I was is something I did to myself, and getting out of it is something I will have to learn to do by myself. Part of the tools and knowledge surrounding getting out I can glean from others, but truly believing the tools and putting them into practice will take time and effort on my behalf to integrate into my mindset and routine. I've been doing air squats and different activities to get my heart rate up during activities like cooking lunch, or doing dishes so doing more is really getting to be a part of my routine at home.

I'm happy with how I'm getting on!
Eggs out xx

Positives (Yay!) & Negatives (Boo!)

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So today's post is brought to you by a few positive developments, and a few negative ones. Positively speaking my weight was down to 176.4 lbs (as of this morning), which means I am truly capable of getting through that plateau. On the positive I've learned that when I am left to my own devices I eat exactly the correct amount to maintain my current weight. The importance of that is knowing that in order to bust off the last pounds I want to see gone that I'm going to have to put in my time at the gym. The negative of that is that I'm under a lot of stress (from an outside source) right now and I'm trying to balance my needs with the needs of others. I think I'm doing pretty well, all things considered, but it all plays a role in how successful I will be in the 'here and now'.
Another positive thing is that I've slowly increased the foods in my diet that contain sodium. Since I've done it slowly I haven't had a huge gastric-rebound from overdoing it. I'm still keeping most sources of gluten, all sources of dairy and all sources of meat out of my diet. Today's lunch was steamed millet, chickpeas and yams. It was really exceptional on its own, with nothing to flavor it but a little garlic and onion.

Tonight, unfortunately, my darling is stuck late at work which means I'll be pulling a late night myself. I'll have my daughter with me at work this evening and then as soon as I'm done there I'll need to race to grab my son from my in-law's house. I guess the final determination of whether or not to hit the gym will be made at that time. Honestly I'm emotionally exhausted, and that has me pooped out physically.

Eggs out
xx

22lbs in 4 months, New Shoes and Homemade Habenero Hummus!

So I've been trying to take a photo of my body every +/- ten pounds so I can see where I'm developing and how things are coming together for me. Based on my photo dates I've lost 21.6 pounds since 8/31/2011 and I see a difference in these photos - mostly in the hip/abdominal area.  I'm really muffin-topping in the underpants I wore for the photo on 8/31/2011, and they actually fit me without the muffin-topping in January. For the sake of continuity I wear the same bra/underpants in each photo. So, for giggles I decided to compare my measurements from September's weigh in (closest to the date of my first photo set) and from January (again, closest to the date of the last photo set) and here are the results:


September to January
Bust : Down 2.25"
Waist: Down 1.75"
Abs: Down 4.75"
Hips: Down 3.0"
Right Thigh: Down 3.25"
Right Arm: Down 0.5"

I was really super thrilled to see my abs down by almost five inches, but I was shocked as all heck to see that the next closest contender was my thigh down three and a quarter inches. I've been really trying to focus on the parts of my body that I like, rather than spending so much time focusing on the parts of my body I don't like as much. The photo above-left is a photo of my weaker arm (left) and forearm. I'm actually really thrilled with the definition I'm beginning to get in my upper body.

In other news I went to the gym yesterday with my brother-in-law and sister-in-law and finally got a weight on my chest press: 90 lbs in 12 rep/3 set. That's amusing! I'm not aiming to be a hard-hitting heavy lifter but I do love establishing my baseline for what I can make sure I'm pushing myself to do in the future. B-I-L also taught me the most wonderful abdominal exercise that requires nothing but one other willing participant. It's actually fabulous, I'm excited to stop and really try it out.

Women's Octoflex Performance Runner

I've also bought myself a new pair of shoes (finally) as the other pair I have are starting to show (and smell) their age. They've been with me through a lot of walking, training at the gym and a zombie 5k through the stinky mud and more. So, I've now purchased their replacements and can't wait to try them out. One of the downside of the other pair of sneakers I own (Fit and Tone) is that they are designed with a rocking bottom to apparently help tone your butt whilst walking. Who knew if they helped or not, but there has been a pretty massive recall of the sneaker design in all companies because it is throwing people's spinal alignments off.

The Octoflex runner is, design-wise, as close to a pair of Vibram Five-Fingers as I'll be able to afford anytime soon. On special at Payless shoes for only $19.99 I hope to find that they treat me well for at least the next year. As you can tell from the picture (left) the sole is entirely bendy and as long as the shoes are well fitting it really feels like you're moving without a whole lot of shoe holding you back. So far I'm impressed with them but I haven't really had the chance to take them out and give them a spin since I just got them today. More on my shoes in the future!


Tonight also saw another first: My very first go at making homemade hummus. I must say the results were so delicious that I polished off the entire batch, by myself, in my belly in no time at all. I'll definitely be making this recipe again as a great alternative to expensive store-bought hummus that is also loaded with preservatives and salt! My recipe is here:


1 can Goya low sodium chick peas (rinsed)
3 tbsp AC Vinegar
1/4 cup strained tomato
1/2 green pepper
2 tbsp minced garlic
1/4 cup chopped onion
1 tbsp flax seed (toasted, w/o oil)
2 tbsp EVOO
1/2 habenero pepper
cayenne to taste

Toast flax seeds for 30 seconds on Med-Hi heat. Use 1/2 of the olive oil to fry garlic, onion, green pepper until veggies soft and garlic browned. Add everything together in a blender and blenderize. Add water if needed to get blender action going. Final product should be thick. Chill and then eat!

That's all for tonight, folks! 

Eggs out
xx

"It's Impossible" Said Pride...(A New Year Weigh In)

"It's impossible," said pride.
"It's risky," said experience.
"It's pointless," said reason.
"Give it a try..." whispered the heart.

So, essentially I never gave myself any hope to make it through the holidays. My goal two weeks into the month was to simply maintain, and I was really worried when I saw I was up three pounds the night before weigh in. After taking my body fat percentage I realized that I may have gone up in weight, but my body fat was down 0.3% which means - GOOD NEWS! All that weight gain (or, at least most of it) was the accumulation of new muscle. This is awesome news because it means I can take my first month of 'gain' in over a year and a half with an ounce of grace.

I didn't fail miserably. I have been packing on lean muscle and I got the results I was looking for...even if the result is the opposite of what I've been working hard for since I started losing weight. It's so hard sometimes as I get used to looking primarily at the number on the scale to tell me how I'm doing. I'll never budge from my position that the scale every day really helps keep me on track, a physical conscience if I may be so bold, but at this point in my training I'm thinking that my body fat analyzer might start being the new indicator of success.

The entire transformation so far has been amazing. I was just reminiscing with Robert about how proud I was when I first hit under 300 pounds. Then how proud again at 280, 250, under 200, and so on. I remember being so proud the first time I put a picture of myself online in a swimsuit. I remember doing it again and being less afraid, less conscious. I am really just so happy I've come this far...but it's been a long and tiring battle. I'm ready to rest. Only 40 some-odd pounds left to go.

Eggs out.
xx

T'was The Night Before Weigh-In, And All Through The House...

New Year's Eve Outfit

It's the night before weigh-in and I'm kind of 'meh'. Between Christmas, New Years and general holiday excitement there just wasn't enough time to sit down and breathe at times and I didn't eat as well as I had wanted to. Sadly, in this time of no excuses I must say that I didn't 'try my best' because the season got the best of me and my results tomorrow will show that. A week and a half ago I made a decision that maintaining would be my goal this month. I don't remember what my weight was last month, but I sure hope it's around 181.8 which is where I was this morning. Update: Just checked and it was 178.0...I am a sad panda.

My last chance work out tonight was the Wii Fit that my mother bought us two or three Christmases ago. I wanted to hit Gold's gym but totally spaced on the fact they they closed tonight at 8:00pm rather than the usual 11:00pm because it's a Saturday. Either way I used it for 1.5 hours and burned about 415 calories. Robert took some photos of me whilst using the Wii Fit and wearing a sports bra and although I'm nervous to be putting so much out there, I must say it's nice to be able to put a photo up and not worry about flabby bits hanging out everywhere (they only hang out a few places).

Tomorrow's update should hopefully bear really nice maintenance..I now have no hope of hitting 165 by the cruise, but perhaps that was asking too much of my body over the holidays, and after having lost so much. My job is going well, family life is going well, and everyone is really excited about our new puppy named Max that we got a few days before Christmas. We're all gearing up for our family cruise in February and hopefully I won't go and gain 5 pounds during the cruise to add insult to injury. We'll just keep trucking along and see how this goes!

I need to get my butt back on track, get serious and get this weight OFF. I'm tired of working out and eating right all the time. I'm in overload, I want a break but I know I can't have one until I've *earned* one...and I only earn one when I hit the number I set out for myself.

In every war there will be battles won and battles lost...I just hope I end up the victor when the dust settles!