Up, Down, Left, Right, Yes, No. Right now my life is full of indecision and different directions I could take. Food has been haunting me for ages. This is the ugly truth of food addiction. This is the face of my unhappiness that I've been uncovering throughout this entire journey. This is the girl inside the fat suit.
This is me.
I'm scared right now, running at times into walls blindly with full force because I simply can't manage my emotions. I wanted to get into nutrition, to help other people with their food struggles, but I realized the hypocrisy in this. How can I dream of helping others when I'm still so fundamentally broken, myself? Food terrifies me, and I either work to control it, or the opposite happens and I find it controlling me. Every decision I make is food based, every television show I watch is food based, in almost every exchange with someone I have there is the presentation of food.
I recognize the broken.
I feel apologetic if I'm not eating a certain way and someone is hosting me. I feel I've made it worse by flip-flopping back and forth so frequently. I feel apologetic that I'm not able to continue on the holistic nutrition path, and have flip-flopped to a completely different field. I feel I've made it worse by ever speaking dreams out loud. I feel sorrow over my deflated body, outrage at my inability to do more, defiance as I continue to melt, exhaustion as I contemplate the gym, and then the hunger intermixed with terror to be feeling fulfilled, happy and done.
This is the ugly side of un-burying yourself.
In talking with a friend I've decided to go back on Medifast. To put it on "Project Status". I will do nothing but Medifast for the next 4 weeks. I will be committed to it, and I will not worry about it. In 4 weeks time I will come back and rehash where I am. I will take stock of the information, compare, and then make a decision from there.
Nothing is forever unless you want it to be.
There anything wrong with figuring out and doing maintenance mode for a while before working on those last 25ish pounds?
ReplyDeleteYou've come so far, been losing weight steadily almost the entire time I've known you. Willpower can be depleted and you've been using it to do all the things, weight loss, parenting, working, cleaning ... Finding balance where you are before moving forward might help you recharge before you move on.
That would be ideal, but I tried and tried to maintain only to go out and gain 8lbs. Not necessarily from overeating, or eating the wrong things (my diet is naturally very clean)...I'm not sure why I can't manage this. It's probably stress in conjunction with everything else.
DeleteIt's poignant you say I've been losing weight since you've known me (not sure who this is) but It's only been 2 years I've been doing it. It feels like forever. I crave, need, DESIRE a break. No matter how hard I work, though, the break never seems to come. :(
Need to talk to someone and get my head on right so that I'm emotionally in a place to be able to handle all the changes that are happening to me in my life.