Lying In The Tracks Waiting For The Midnight Train

I've been struggling with my weight, overall, these past two weeks since coming off Medifast. There have been a lot of ups and downs, trying to get back on track without carb shocking my body into a reaction. I've been using the online tool at http://caloriecount.about.com/ to help keep track of my daily micro/macro/calorie/etc's and have found that I'm also keeping my journal as well. That's double the work, and nothing seems to be paying off.

I know I go through this slump regularly, and that sometimes our bodies just need a recovery period but it can get so frustrating. Sometimes I feel the habits I'm developing just trying to stay on top of what I'm trying to accomplish are becoming a bit obsessive. I talk about what I'm doing often, which is partly normal because it's such a huge part of my life, but also partly worrying because right now this is my 'cause'. The one thing I'm devoting myself to with everything I have, and I just worry that sooner or later I'm going to hit a mental-emotional wall where I am suddenly just 'done'. Where, perhaps, I rebel. Where, perhaps, I can't go on any longer like this because I'm tired of constantly watching out for the enemy over my shoulder.

At times food makes me feel like a fugitive. Food is a crime I'm guilty of, have been guilty of for my whole life. That guilt, combined with the need to constantly be looking over my shoulder about what will happen next, is tiresome.

I don't feel happy in my own skin right now. My body reminds me of something that is melting, no longer able to hold itself up. I haven't had the energy or gumption to hit the gym like I used to. I remember, the not so far off past, where I was going 1-2 hours a day minimum  and I felt amazing. I know I need to get back into that but I don't have the gumption, nor do I have the external support I feel I need. 

It feels almost like now that I'm so close to my final goal (less than 25 pounds) that I am just doing everything I can, throwing everything I have at finishing this project so I can move on to the next phase. Will I ever be happy though? I started all of this to be happy, and to look good. I didn't start it for health, but they seem to have gone hand-in-glove for me. I've been forced to learn new things, new methods, new techniques, little tricks of the trade, and my overall education about nutrition has increased dramatically. With that there also seems to be a snowballing of what feels like "everything I know I need to do all at once" because I'm so desperate to be done.

I'm feeling harmed, emotionally, but I can't stop because if I do it'll be that much more painful than just sticking with it. I've lost over 53% of myself, I'm 53% less of who I was physically. That daily struggle to maintain and lose more of myself is painful. Looking back I had no idea it would be anything like this. I compared it to the feelings one gets after losing 20 pounds (which they then gain back). There is no comparison, and I don't have any friends that I feel can come anywhere near to understanding what is going on in my head right now. I'm feeling alone.

"I can't dip my feet in the waters of food that is not diet-friendly. I can't, because if I do I suddenly find myself drowning. Food addictions are just as hard to overcome as drug/alcohol addictions...and so much more readily available. Without support this would be impossible...even with support it feels like an uphill climb."

                 From an entry I wrote dated 1/31/2011

I'm going to go to an Over Eaters Anonymous group this Thursday. I'm going to try to take a hold of my mentality and start healing a lifetime of self-abuse with food so that when I hit my goal I don't begin the same cycle of self-harm all over again. My body couldn't take it. My mind couldn't take it. After working so hard, I need to do maintenance to make sure that I'm not just fixing the topical problems, but working to find solutions to the problems below the surface that cause all the topical problems in the first place. My obese body was a symptom, not the sole cause, of my unhappiness.

Even now I have reservations about posting this. It makes me feel less than I am, less a warrior, less a fighter, less of a machine. It makes me feel less accomplished and more...human. The problem with feeling human at the same time you're building something monumental is that humanity gets in the way. Humanity isn't cold and callous enough to get the job done. Sometimes we must do what we don't like doing to get what we want. In war it's called "acceptable losses": a ratio of human lives that are "acceptable" to have depleted before something must be done. Many of us have grandfathers, grandmothers and other family members that have served and died in wars. Was their death an 'acceptable loss' to their family? No. To the cause, 'freedom'? Yes.

This isn't so grand scale as a war, I have no 10% ratio and no "good ol' boys" I need to send back home to their families. However, I have been doing things that have been bringing me closer to that 10% figure of critical mass. That critical mass before the losses are so great that something needs to happen, something needs to change, and the true cost of humanity kicks in.

I feel, right now, that perhaps only a machine could possibly finish what I have started out to do...but there's always hope. That fighting spirit. I'm not going to give up. I won't. I can't. I can't stop until I'm happy. I wonder if I'll ever be happy, if what I've done will ever be good enough.

Wishing you all good health on your journey, whatever part of it you might find yourself on...

Eggs out.