Sooner or later I knew it'd come to this: Lose weight or be content with the weight I'm at forever. Thankfully I made what I feel was the right choice for myself and decided to power through it. Let's face it: Sugar is delicious, and addicting. Sugar was my crutch in times of happiness, times of sadness, and every time in-between. I was a horrible emotional eater, and fighting that base urge is something I have to struggle with every time my emotions climb high or dip low. It's hard, because at that time I wasn't willing to give up my crutch. I wasn't willing to stop putting harmful food into my body. I wasn't willing to really work at losing weight..I wanted to lose weight, but I wanted it to be automatic...to be easy. Well, I learned that it isn't. Putting down the cake and cookies was the first step, and losing that crutch was such a huge sacrifice.
I have a photo on my hard drive, one taken during 4th of July in 2009, and I decided to post it here. It's one I've never really shared with anyone ...partly due to the shame of seeing it in action, and partly due to the fact I've been keeping it as private as possible to help motivate myself to do better in the future. I decided to chronicle it here, however, to remind myself how far I've come and to make this picture something to be proud of.This journey, my journey, started with a single decision. A single small decision, and now here I am. Looking back almost 75lbs and I can clearly remember how impossible this all seemed.
At this weight (331 lbs) I was miserable, and everything was pretty lousy as far as my self confidence went. I had dealt with horrible mistreatment from the medical community during a recent pregnancy and delivery, based solely on my weight despite the fact I didn't (and still don't) have a single serious medical condition or complication that is weight related.
However, looking back, I can see some of the issues that I did have.I had trouble breathing whilst lying on my back and ankle ache after walking for only a short few hours. And even though I didn't have any physical diseases such as Diabetes, Heart Disease, &etc...I was still suffering from a pretty serious emotional disease in the form of depression, unhappiness, and general lack of self-esteem.
The most recent accomplishment? Getting rid of almost every single piece of clothing from 'back then'. I've lost so much weight that hoping to fit into any of those old clothes are long gone from my mind. It was hard laying the 'back then' clothes to rest in the donation bag. I'll never see those items again...they were with me through so much and now they are suddenly gone.
I went out to do some retail therapy, and the above olive green dress is one of the results of that therapy. Retail therapy involved buying new cute clothes, with frills and lace. Dresses with fancy crinolines and things sporting actual colour! To those who didn't know me 'back then' the only colour I'd often wear was black. Black everything, because it made me feel safe and hidden even though I was standing out like a sore thumb.
I'm happier now, and I feel great. 73.5lbs lost as of an unofficial weigh-in on the scale this morning. That puts my weight at 257.5. I gave myself (in my last post on December 8, 2010) until mid-February to hit 250-255, and I know now I'm going to make it with hard work, determination, and knowing that I can love and accept myself regardless of the numbers on the scale. I can't wait to see how close my home scale is to the gym scale for my 'official' monthly weigh and measure. I even got so bold as to have some (tasteful!) nude pictures taken of myself so that I can celebrate my body and all of its curves. Hope you're all loving yourselves and serving yourselves the best you can, even if the number on the scale or the image in the mirror isn't exactly what you'd like to see. Keep working and it will happen...
<3 Eggs out.
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