Lying In The Tracks Waiting For The Midnight Train

I've been struggling with my weight, overall, these past two weeks since coming off Medifast. There have been a lot of ups and downs, trying to get back on track without carb shocking my body into a reaction. I've been using the online tool at http://caloriecount.about.com/ to help keep track of my daily micro/macro/calorie/etc's and have found that I'm also keeping my journal as well. That's double the work, and nothing seems to be paying off.

I know I go through this slump regularly, and that sometimes our bodies just need a recovery period but it can get so frustrating. Sometimes I feel the habits I'm developing just trying to stay on top of what I'm trying to accomplish are becoming a bit obsessive. I talk about what I'm doing often, which is partly normal because it's such a huge part of my life, but also partly worrying because right now this is my 'cause'. The one thing I'm devoting myself to with everything I have, and I just worry that sooner or later I'm going to hit a mental-emotional wall where I am suddenly just 'done'. Where, perhaps, I rebel. Where, perhaps, I can't go on any longer like this because I'm tired of constantly watching out for the enemy over my shoulder.

At times food makes me feel like a fugitive. Food is a crime I'm guilty of, have been guilty of for my whole life. That guilt, combined with the need to constantly be looking over my shoulder about what will happen next, is tiresome.

I don't feel happy in my own skin right now. My body reminds me of something that is melting, no longer able to hold itself up. I haven't had the energy or gumption to hit the gym like I used to. I remember, the not so far off past, where I was going 1-2 hours a day minimum  and I felt amazing. I know I need to get back into that but I don't have the gumption, nor do I have the external support I feel I need. 

It feels almost like now that I'm so close to my final goal (less than 25 pounds) that I am just doing everything I can, throwing everything I have at finishing this project so I can move on to the next phase. Will I ever be happy though? I started all of this to be happy, and to look good. I didn't start it for health, but they seem to have gone hand-in-glove for me. I've been forced to learn new things, new methods, new techniques, little tricks of the trade, and my overall education about nutrition has increased dramatically. With that there also seems to be a snowballing of what feels like "everything I know I need to do all at once" because I'm so desperate to be done.

I'm feeling harmed, emotionally, but I can't stop because if I do it'll be that much more painful than just sticking with it. I've lost over 53% of myself, I'm 53% less of who I was physically. That daily struggle to maintain and lose more of myself is painful. Looking back I had no idea it would be anything like this. I compared it to the feelings one gets after losing 20 pounds (which they then gain back). There is no comparison, and I don't have any friends that I feel can come anywhere near to understanding what is going on in my head right now. I'm feeling alone.

"I can't dip my feet in the waters of food that is not diet-friendly. I can't, because if I do I suddenly find myself drowning. Food addictions are just as hard to overcome as drug/alcohol addictions...and so much more readily available. Without support this would be impossible...even with support it feels like an uphill climb."

                 From an entry I wrote dated 1/31/2011

I'm going to go to an Over Eaters Anonymous group this Thursday. I'm going to try to take a hold of my mentality and start healing a lifetime of self-abuse with food so that when I hit my goal I don't begin the same cycle of self-harm all over again. My body couldn't take it. My mind couldn't take it. After working so hard, I need to do maintenance to make sure that I'm not just fixing the topical problems, but working to find solutions to the problems below the surface that cause all the topical problems in the first place. My obese body was a symptom, not the sole cause, of my unhappiness.

Even now I have reservations about posting this. It makes me feel less than I am, less a warrior, less a fighter, less of a machine. It makes me feel less accomplished and more...human. The problem with feeling human at the same time you're building something monumental is that humanity gets in the way. Humanity isn't cold and callous enough to get the job done. Sometimes we must do what we don't like doing to get what we want. In war it's called "acceptable losses": a ratio of human lives that are "acceptable" to have depleted before something must be done. Many of us have grandfathers, grandmothers and other family members that have served and died in wars. Was their death an 'acceptable loss' to their family? No. To the cause, 'freedom'? Yes.

This isn't so grand scale as a war, I have no 10% ratio and no "good ol' boys" I need to send back home to their families. However, I have been doing things that have been bringing me closer to that 10% figure of critical mass. That critical mass before the losses are so great that something needs to happen, something needs to change, and the true cost of humanity kicks in.

I feel, right now, that perhaps only a machine could possibly finish what I have started out to do...but there's always hope. That fighting spirit. I'm not going to give up. I won't. I can't. I can't stop until I'm happy. I wonder if I'll ever be happy, if what I've done will ever be good enough.

Wishing you all good health on your journey, whatever part of it you might find yourself on...

Eggs out.

Blasting Off! Paleo in 3...2...1.....

I decided to come off of Medifast because between our finances and the food Robert and I would both require we were having trouble finding a way to make sure both of us would have enough. Medifast has been working better for him than it has for me, and so with that he got to stay on the program.

Since I decided to step down my body has been giving me a hard time. I've gone up from 155.6 lbs to 159.2 lbs. My weight has been steadily increasing with the food shift, as I've also been a little less strict and have been enjoying a few treats. The treats have led me to where I am now: Paleo!

I'm going to be picking the brains of a few friends for information and ideas. I'm going to eat the food groups that early humans would have sourced, the things that our guts are designed to eat. I have no aversions to bringing legumes in once a week, as a special treat (because I love me some legumes) but I'm going to take a much less intense approach to the foods I eat.

When I was doing Eat to Live I was happy, food stress was low, and results were predictable. I have no idea if I could continue having weight loss success on Eat to Live, but I'm going to adapt and make my own food approach by mashing concepts of Eat to Live with Paleo and seeing how my body responds to it.

The weight I want to reach (135lbs) is just an 'arbitrary number', but it is where I want to be. It's a goal I've done all of this hard work for. It's what has kept me going. I could never have gone into this saying, "Oh, well I'm just wanting to be healthy" because that would have been a scapegoat for me. At 250 when I hit a plateau I could have easily said, "Well I'm healthier than I was!" and just stopped there. That's not what I want for myself. I want my body to be a true reflection of how I want it to be, not just what I settle for. I believe in going hard and going all the way. I want to be happy with my body, and right now I'm not happy with my body. It's come a long way from where it was, but it's not where I want to have it stop just yet!

This past weekend my family and I did the 5k Walk for Multiple Sclerosis in Manassas. It was fun! Elysia whinged a lot, she wasn't really feeling up tot he long walk (although didn't have much choice as she clearly couldn't be left) but our dietary changes and the detox process has been hard on her. We've been cutting out the processed stuff that makes up a majority of the Standard American Diet and I know she's missing it. Blake is adapting much better than she is because he hasn't had as much of the processed exposure as his sister has.

We'll see how this goes!

Eggs out
xx

An Almost Forgotten April Weigh In

This morning, the 9th, I realized that something about the 8th was important. I couldn't quite place my finger on it until I realized that it's my 'standard' weigh in day! Going to Medifast has kind of messed up the importance I place on the overall month weigh in's because you have to weigh in there every single week. Although I understand the importance of weighing in on a weekly basis, I kind of miss the old days of being able to have a few days of indulgence after my weigh in. I looked forward to going to a restaurant, knowing that one meal where I had what I liked wouldn't hurt my overall month results. When you're looking at weighing in again in only six days, every morsel of food not on the plan can hurt those numbers. It's almost a competition with myself to make sure I've at least lost something.

I feel it is probably a little emotionally damaging that I tend to get a bit sad about the weeks I 'only' lose one pound. Realistically I know one pound is better than no pounds, that one pound less is that much more that I'm not going to have essentially sitting on my heart. I understand that it's better to have lost a pound than to have lost nothing, but I can't help but feel a little bit disappointed on the weeks I lose one pound instead of the 3-5 pounds I was told to expect by the Medifast staff. I understand that my body isn't every else's body though. Now, with all that said, last week at Medifast I lost 6 pounds overall. I'm not too fussed about it because it's coming off, slowly at times, but surely!

Easter weekend was lovely, we had a wonderful Easter/Birthday lunch with Robert's parents and family at a Greek place called Athena Pallas. Have I mentioned I love Greek food? No? I LOVE GREEK FOOD. To follow up with my less than stellar lunch time options there was lots of walking around in Occoquan and around Woodbridge, talking about the future and planning out the future to make sure talk turned into action. Robert and I are both going to be starting at school and that is going to be a huge time commitment. I'm excited for the future, but it is emotionally draining. I decided to email the head lady at the pet care company and let her know that I wouldn't be taking the job after all. It said clearly in the FAQs that Blake couldn't come with me, and rather than filling up my schedule with that right now I'm going to focus on my education, children, budget, spouse, house and current part time job. I might add another splash of part time work to the schedule, but it won't be until I find something I could do in the evenings to enure my morning is open for school.

Life is chugging along. It's busier than it has been, and the headaches of life that come with it are going to be exciting...but in the mean time I'm still giving it my all!

On to glory!
Eggs out
xx

When I Buy Panties...

This morning I realized something: I always eye up clothes and buy them for myself at larger than they should be. With underpants I buy two or three sizes bigger and end up with what my husband lovingly refers to as "parachute panties". We went out recently and he bought my underpants - the fully serviceable un-sexy kind that women actually wear on a normal basis, and I swore they'd be far too small when I took them out of the package. Well, they weren't. I didn't much care for the cut, but overall they were exactly the size I needed.

This morning I was discussing my diet with a coworker and she asked me how on earth I'd still have 25 pounds to lose, that I was already "so skinny!". I didn't even know how to respond to that. I've been over 180 pounds since I was 12, I've always been big. I've always worn large underwear. I've always worn baggy clothes. Size 10's have never fallen down in the grocery store (yes, that happened). I've never been active.

There is an entire mental shift that needs to take place. I look in the mirror and still see a really obese person staring back at me. This entire re-education of my mindset is hard work, and often times I fight against it. I can't figure out why things start feeling out of control as soon as I accept I have been successful but I feel part of it might be the fear of "what next?" for when I'm done this stage of my life. Maintenance, although welcome, will be a new trial all on its own. New dragons to find, and then slay. New adventures to embark on. A whole new phase of life when I've just now finally gotten used to this one. One day, soon, I'll be ready. Until then I think I've earned a bit of apprehension.

I'm starting a new job this Tuesday morning, I'm going to try to help bring in some extra income for the family by spending my mornings dog walking. I'm hoping the fresh air, sunshine and exercise will continue to do me well. There's nothing like a bit of animal companionship to help make exercise seem more fun. On the plus size I plan on bringing Blake with me (in a toddler backpack) so that I can take care of income without having the outcome of babysitting expenses. It will be beneficial for all. Wish me luck.

Eggs out
xx

Giving Myself To The World

Throughout this journey I've been developing my opinions on things nutrition and exercise related. Granted, they're based what has worked for me, but I think I've also cultured a healthy respect for the fact that no two bodies will respond to the same set of circumstances in an identical or easily predictable manner.

It's not always so easy as calories in vs. calories out. It's the quality of calories, the timing of the calories, the delivery method for the calories, and learning how to eat to feed the demands of your own body. My body, I've learned, does not tolerate low carb diets with any measure of grace. I react negatively to the target carb zone for the Medifast diet. My body is not my husband's body - he, whom has lost some 25 pounds in 5 weeks, and doesn't have any health side effects from the foods.

I'm looking forward to working on my doctorate degree in holistic nutrition (do you have any idea how strange that is to say?! It's like the first time you eat baby octopus and the little legs are all hanging around in your mouth and you don't quite know what to do with them. I'm looking forward to the challenge, though!) because I think it'll add an entire dimension to the knowledge I've gained on my own. Knowledge that other great minds have come together to prepare. I'll have my horizons broadened and will learn more methods for more bodies, so that I can help people who were just like me. I've developed the outlines of a business model, so that I can peruse my dreams once the degree is complete.

I'm so happy and excited that I've kept this blog up throughout my weight loss because I can look back and see how a little seedling of hope and dream has started germinating into something that promises to be more. I'm excited for more. I will be more. And I will turn around and give it all back. I have a feeling that this is the calling I've always had. The dream I always had, the vision I always wanted to share. I'm eager to give myself to this world in this way.

They say the best ideas start at home. We're going to finish the foods we have in the house that aren't ideal (I just made cupcakes today, with chocolate frosting!) but have only been bringing in foods that fit our 'ideal foods' model. Those ideal foods are gluten free, naturally occurring sugar only, and not overly processed and full of fats. It's exciting for my family to be moving in this direction, and even more exciting that my husband is 100% behind me.

Today, friends, is a good day.

Eggs out
xx

A Down Spiral To Be Happy With

I've finally worked Medifast into a sustainable routine. As with any dietary shift it takes time to acclimate to the new food and new approach. I've learned that I need extra carbs and need to supplement much higher than they recommend with my own food from home. I'm now back in my healthy target zone, without the need for the time consuming and pesky iso-caloric approach.

 Now that the adjustment phase is over, and I kind of just "eat what I want when I want" again the weight is coming off. I think the regimented style of Medifast has been working great for Robert, whom has pretty much reached his halfway point! A progrma I'd reccommend, but only to certain people in certain situations. I wouldn't likely do it again for myself :)

Eggs out
xx