Eating The Elephant

I recently did another photoshoot. A little bit risque, but I really had fun. I was a lot less self conscious than I usually am during such events. Perhaps it was that I was more comfortable with the photographer - or perhaps I was more comfortable in myself...either way I had fun, and I really enjoyed myself. The finished products are lovely for me to see as I feel like I am the Queen of Sheba in them, a lioness. Proud, patient, calm and somehow the deadliest thing you'll ever see. I have goals, and I will make them mine

Medifast has been an adjustment. It is extremely controlled which I don't mind, however I am having a gripe with the fact the food is so processed and pre-prepared. This goes against what I have been doing for overall health for the past two years: Whole, healthy, organic, low gluten, no added salt and the kin. I'm going to finish my Medifast program, it is what I paid for, but I have found I have taken considerable issue with the lack of fresh fruit, beans, veggies and etc.

I think Medifast is awesome for people who need help controlling the fact they eat 8 Big Mac's a day. I don't know that this was the wisest move for someone who already knew what, when and how to eat the right foods for her body. My body weight has crept up, perhaps from the salt? My body fat percentage has plummeted though - exactly 1% in 5 days is pretty much unheard of from me. I might pull that number in a month or more, but never a week. Clearly something is working, but I want to stay true to my origins and get back to actual food as soon as my 13 weeks are up. No use quitting only 3 days in, right?

So last night I took the first step toward accomplishing two more Active 2012 goals. I bought a Groupon to go to a shooting range up in Maryland and try my hand with weapons. After a rather grizzly first-hand exposure to a suicide via shotgun I am nervous about being so near to the instrument of so much grief. I have many gun-loving friends, so to prevent the whole "guns are evil vs. people are evil" debate from rising I'll be truthful and say I'd feel the same way about hunting knives, plastic bags if she had used that. I think I have a lot of unresolved issues and I'm hoping that meeting this enemy in a safe environment with training and spousal support that I'll be able to overcome it and let this chapter of my life finally close. I feel I've given that trauma time to sort itself out, and allowed myself to follow a natural progression of healing. I'm ready to be free of it, some four years later.

The other move forward I made was to sign up for a month's free trial of Muay Thai - Thai boxing. There is so much to learn so many moves. It gets a little confusing at times, but I think I finally got the basics down. I had fun, the thrill of the class stuck with me for almost two hours I got home. I showed Robert all of things I learned and would have happily kept going for another hour if I had the chance. I watched about 45 minutes of a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu class, all that grappling and throwing looked like so much fun. I recommended it to Robert as it seems like something right up his alley.

I hope he's putting as much of himself into Active 2012 as I am, but truth be told it's really my own personal goals and personal adventures. I'm just thankful he's letting me indulge these experiences and coming along with me for a good portion of them. Here's to good husbands!

Eggs out.
xx

Meeting Goals and Changing Life

Today was an interesting day for a few different reasons. First off I started Medifast. They guarantee that if I follow their plan exactly I'll be my goal weight (130lbs) in 13 weeks. So far I've felt hungry - I'm used to so much more food. I'm not used to so much sugar (or sweet tasting stuff), I'm not used to the sheer amount of sodium. So far I've eaten more than I should have (ate an extra piece of celery with salsa, some pecans and a piece of gum) and I'm just wondering how well this will work for me in the long-run.

Today, the first day on a new way of eating, was probably also a bad day to meet an Active 2012 goal. I swam for an hour straight, burning almost 500 calories during that time. Considering I'm eating between 800-1000 calories you can see my calorie-net was low. I'm in for the long haul though, so one way or the other I will do this and will hopefully end up successful. A few thousand dollars is not chump change, as they say.

Robert is doing the Medifast program as well. He, unlike me, is much better at parsing out his meals so that they last him though the night. I need to learn to not cram it all in at morning meals, and then find myself so hungry in the night. BUT - another goal accomplished! Only 22 to go.

As with anything new this is worth giving an honest shake. Let's see where this takes us!

Eggs out
xx

Becoming A Warrior - Rar!

"I want this. It is mine and I will take it."

A warrior's stance, a soldier's driving force. There is a goal, a mission, something to capture and seize. Something to possess and then guard with your life. Do I sound a little bit melodramatic to you when I say "guard with your life"? I think that statement cheapens nothing, I think it exalts that one thing worth protecting: Happiness.

Without it, what is a life worth? Without it, or the struggle to capture it, what is a life worth? Without the hope of it, the knowledge of it - what is a life worth? We are outraged by war acts in third world countries, we are outraged by rapes and crimes against others. We are shocked and dismayed that someone might kill another person over a measly pair of sneakers...

And yet how are we not outraged that we often hate ourselves? Loathe ourselves? Harm ourselves, even kill ourselves? Wish we were anything but what we are? Why, instead, do we take on the issues of the world when we are so unhappy within ourselves that we are incapable of bringing change. We become toxic, we lose our fight, we lose our will and we submit to a life without happiness we bring about for ourselves.

There is a war. Perhaps I do sound melodramatic, but I call it as I see it. There is a war and it is time for everyone to put on their best defenses and gain a good offense. It's time we stopped letting society batter us into unhappiness and it's time we took by force that which I believe all humans have entitlement to: Happiness. There will be no prisoners in this war of mine, and I wish for every other person fighting that they take no prisoners as well.

As long as my happiness will not harm and damage others I will do whatever I can to possess it. I have gone so long without it that sometimes I feel starved, and I find ways to gorge myself on it. Happiness is an addiction that is worth having and worth spreading to others. I will fight back, I will fight hard, and I will fight strong because I am strong, I am capable and I am worthy,

I feel empowered to be able to say: "I want this, it is mine and I will take it" about my life. There is nothing more beautiful than knowing, and getting, what you want because you earn it and you deserve it.

Getting off to a good start...

Another one of my personal goals, not listed on the previous entry, is to spend more time with my family as a family. Experiencing things together and showing the children all the awesome opportunities they truly have. I don't want to be a couch potato family, or a tv family. I want to spend quality time doing quality things. Sometimes it's so easy to feel overwhelmed or tired and to just 'need to decompress' but sitting rather than doing, and I want to make sure the kids learn that getting out and having fun is the best way to go. The best way for them to learn that is for Robert and I to set that as an example.

Today we went skating and it was SO FUN. Blake didn't really think too much about the ice, it was something he found slippery and wasn't overly keen on. He tried his best, and then got tired of it so instead he rode around the rink a few times balance on my hip.

Personally, I haven't skated since I was thirteen or so. Possibly a little younger, truth be told I can't really remember. I do know that I was really uncomfortable in skates for the first fifteen minutes and wanted to give up after Elysia started acting out in frustration of not being able to 'get it'. We all stuck with it though and eventually we all got it. Blake had to leave the rink but Robert and I switched off with him so the other could have a turn on the ice. Elysia skated for two hours straight and was really amazing. She went from grasping onto the boards for dear life, to being comfortable enough to skate out on the ice and around those on the boards in front of her. There were a few spills and falls, but she managed to recover and keep going after each one.

It was a wonderful day, and something so special to share as a family!

Eggs out

xx

Goal Setting: An Active and Healthy 2012!

There are things I've always wanted to do but haven't because I thought I was too big and would look awkward doing it, or I really was just too big and exceeded the uppermost weight limit allowable for the activity I wanted to do. Now that I'm getting into a healthier weight range and gaining a healthier mindset there is so much in this world that I wanted to explore, discover and experience first hand (rather than from behind the camera lens).

For so long I was the one behind the camera lens capturing the special moments of everyone else around me, living vicariously through them. My husband going parasailing is a prime example! I wanted to so badly, but I was so big. All I could imagine was hanging a couple hundred feet in the air and having people below think that the boat hauling us was relocating a beached whale. It's horrible, but that is how I felt and I denied myself the experience because of it. Well..I shall deny no more! I'm making a list of experiences I will have this 2012. I'm hoping to turn most of the experiences into family adventure and turning this into an Active and Healthy 2012! Some of the below are experiences, and some are goals. The goals are for the physical experience as much as the mental - breaking barriers and creating a stronger, healthier mental 'me'. I hope to accomplish all of them by New Year's Eve 2012.

1.           Swimming with dolphins. (Family) ~2/2/12~

2.           1 hour of solid swimming in an indoor pool, doing laps. (Solo/Family) ~2/26/2012~

3.           Ride an entire bicycle trail. (Solo/Family)

4.           Hike a mountain trail. (Family)

5.           Climb a mountain. (Family)

6.           Go white-water rafting (Family)

7.           Go to LA Boxing and try the one week free trial. (Solo)

8.           Join a martial art, and try it (Family)

9.           Do one dance aerobics class at the gym, at least once per week, for one month. (Solo)

10.      Bellydance! (Solo)

11.      Try organized yoga in a class setting. (Solo)

12.      Go camping in a tent. (Family)

13.      Indoor rock climbing! (Family)

14.      Go golfing with my husband. (Family)

15.      Go to a shooting range and fire a hand-gun. (Family)

16.      Have a family bowling night, and actually try my hardest. (Family)

17.      Have a 24 hour meditation retreat to myself. (Solo)

18.      Parasailing! (Solo/Family)

19.      Go skiing, snowboarding or skating. (Family) ~2/19/12~

20.      Go water-skiing or water-boarding. (Family)

21.      Jump from a very high height into a body of water (Family/Solo)

22.      Hike to a waterfall. (Family)

23.      Ride a roller coaster. (Family)

24.      River kayaking or canoeing. (Family)

25.      Get a tattoo to commemorate my journey. (Solo)

Food Still Controls Me

I have an addiction. Food still controls me, unless I am actively controlling it. Either way, this addiction requires control. There is no ease in breaking free of what I was - It's been an uphill battle the whole way down on the scales. Every time I think I've got it, I prove to myself that I don't. I'm committed to thinking I've got it, and then getting it...one of these days.

A whole lifetime of being obese, being unhappy and being uncomfortable in my own skin won't be undone in one year. I wonder if it won't take as long to undo, as it took to do. I was thinking about all the things that held me back and there were just so many excuses. Underneath the excuses was a belief that I didn't deserve happiness. I sabotaged relationships, I sabotaged friendships, I sabotaged my family and I sabotaged myself. Whenever happiness tried to creep into my life I'd smack it away like it was a disease.

That was my life. For years. The cruise was really fun, but I found out that foods still control me. I started making excuses, saying I deserved a week of being 'off' after a year and a half now of being 'on'. It is tiring, it is exhausting, but my weight is on project status. I can't let anyone, or anything get in the way of that...including myself.

I've put myself on the back burner for long enough. Now it's my time to fight. No rest for the wicked, as they say!

Eggs out!
xx

Cruise Food Won't Count, Right? (A February Weigh In)

Robert and I - Bahamas 2011 (At 254.0 lbs)

So today is it! The long awaited day where we go on a cruise together as a family. The weather is dark and damp, with a sky the color of ashes. It's a lovely day to be heading out to great times and even greater adventures! Unfortunately everyone in the family seems to be a little cranky today, perhaps they're all just overwhelmed? Either way it's a lovely day for a cruise.

Due to the cruise I'm weighing in three days earlier than usual. I'm a bit excited to imagine what I'd have accomplished in my own home environment over the next three days, but I'll take what I can get. My weigh in yesterday was 171.8 lbs, and then I ate several food items with added salt so now I'm suffering a 0.4lb weight gain on weigh in day. Oh well, my loss numbers are still great - so I'll live with it!

I managed to drop 5.0" overall, the most noticeable loss being in my hips. I maintained in my thighs, but since I didn't exercise for pretty much the past two weeks I expected that things would start letting themselves go. My muscle definition is lacking, but since I've cut calories so harshly I'm not going to work out as I have been until I know what my dietary changes do to my energy and blood sugar levels.

All in all I'm a very happy camper. My goal for the cruise is to maintain my weight, but knowing there is salt *everywhere* my secondary goal is to come back having only gained 3 lbs. 3lbs of water retention only, hopefully. I'm going to be bringing along my food journal and the boat has a scale in the fitness center so I'm going to continue doing what I do and hope that it all turns out.

See you on the other side of Sunnyville!

Eggs out
xx

Dietary Changes and Outsider Affirmations

My energy levels aren't responding well to the fact I'm trying to cut down/out my coffee intake. I was so depressed with everything going out of control in extended family that I started drinking a lot of coffee to combat the lows I kept finding myself slumped into. In addition to that, this past Monday I started a new approach to eating which has been a real adjustment for my body that is used to eating as often and whenever it pleases.

I multiply by body weight by six and then eat than in calories, per day. Each meal, and snack, is broken up into allowables. It's really caused me to plan out my day and appreciate the foods I'm eating. Breakfast is 1/2 protein, 1 grain, 1 fruit. Morning tea is 1/2 protein and 1/2 a fruit. Lunch is 1 protein, 1/2 grain and 2 veggies. Afternoon tea is 1/2 protein and 1 fruit. Dinner is 1/2 protein, 1/2 grain and 2 veggies. So, I grew tired of 180 lbs being my new best friend. I kicked him to the curb and that required a ton of changes.

On Monday I was 178.0 lbs, and today I was 173.6 lbs. That's 4.4 pounds of legitimate fat loss! I love it when I lose fat and it's not just stinky water retention. True weight loss (not the kind that comes back) is so exciting. I've done so well with this approach to eating that I'm now nervous for the cruise on Sunday. So many temptations, and so much going on that it'll be hard to keep calorie logging. Not to mention I don't know the values for half of the food there.

I've also been really struggling with the fact I am the single most successful person at weight loss I know. A stocker at the grocery store saw me yesterday, said she used to see me come in at night a lot before and that I've dropped a lot of weight. It felt wonderful that someone I didn't even know, an NPC in my life, actually realized the changes I've made in myself. It made me appreciate everything I've done just that little bit more. :)

I hope to see wonderful results for this upcoming weigh-in! The weigh-in will be done three days early, on the 5th instead of the 8th, and is greatly anticipated...I can't wait until I see myself as truly beautiful. I don't find true beauty in numbers. I find it in a state of mind. I'm getting there...

Eggs out
xx