I have an addiction. Food still controls me, unless I am actively controlling it. Either way, this addiction requires control. There is no ease in breaking free of what I was - It's been an uphill battle the whole way down on the scales. Every time I think I've got it, I prove to myself that I don't. I'm committed to thinking I've got it, and then getting it...one of these days.
A whole lifetime of being obese, being unhappy and being uncomfortable in my own skin won't be undone in one year. I wonder if it won't take as long to undo, as it took to do. I was thinking about all the things that held me back and there were just so many excuses. Underneath the excuses was a belief that I didn't deserve happiness. I sabotaged relationships, I sabotaged friendships, I sabotaged my family and I sabotaged myself. Whenever happiness tried to creep into my life I'd smack it away like it was a disease.
That was my life. For years. The cruise was really fun, but I found out that foods still control me. I started making excuses, saying I deserved a week of being 'off' after a year and a half now of being 'on'. It is tiring, it is exhausting, but my weight is on project status. I can't let anyone, or anything get in the way of that...including myself.
I've put myself on the back burner for long enough. Now it's my time to fight. No rest for the wicked, as they say!
Eggs out!
xx
A whole lifetime of being obese, being unhappy and being uncomfortable in my own skin won't be undone in one year. I wonder if it won't take as long to undo, as it took to do. I was thinking about all the things that held me back and there were just so many excuses. Underneath the excuses was a belief that I didn't deserve happiness. I sabotaged relationships, I sabotaged friendships, I sabotaged my family and I sabotaged myself. Whenever happiness tried to creep into my life I'd smack it away like it was a disease.
I'm trying to figure out what to write - but addiction is addiction. Ask any smoker, and there's an addiction which causes you to spend more money and to do something unusual - but food and eating? That's a normal every-day activity. And as far as quality goes, bad food is cheaper in either dollars or time than good food - barring raw vegetables and fruit, of course.
ReplyDeleteI think with food, versus other addictions, is going to be a more insidious opponent - because there is no escape. You can, albeit with difficulty, avoid situations in which alcohol is served, or cigarettes smoked, or drugs dealt. But food? Food is everywhere.
So good hunting.