Somewhere Between The Rock, Tree And Stream

On The Zombie Race Course

I've been in such a unique and somewhat lonely headspace the past few weeks. I sit here and I look at all that I am, and all that I do. Sometimes I find myself wondering why I am so lacking. Last night I stayed up until midnight talking with my husband about my headspace. I explained that I wanted to know where I was, to be able to sit and say "this is where I am, this is what I want." Where I am and what I was is so abstract right now and I'm constantly interrupted whenever I start making any headway.

I explained to him that I want to draw him a map to where I am, so he can be with me during this part of my journey (weight loss related, and otherwise.) I explained that as soon as I start drawing a map - figuring out the relation of the tree to the rock to the stream, so that I know how to prepare my map some big thing crashes through the woods and makes me run a few miles in another direction. As soon as I start plotting out where I am in that new place in the woods I get forced away again. I want to know. I want to understand.

I've been hurt so recently by some situations that I'm still recovering from. Through all of this introspection spoken aloud to my husband I also came to terms (with someone other than myself) of why I had "fallen off the wagon" for two months a while back. I was turning into someone I didn't want to be in this journey. I was starting to believe I knew and understood everything, when I knew nad understood only what related to me. My ego was becoming pompous, probably to compensate for feelings of worthlessness after being hurt, and  I hated that. I stamped my ego out subconsciously by punishing myself in a roundabout way by taking away the one thing from myself that has defined me so far: My weight loss journey.

I took it away, or rather my subconscious did. I stopped working, I became uninspired, I had totally lost my muse for advancement. After weeks of begging the question "Why?" I realized what my usbonscious was trying to do. I chose to let my subconscious take the reigns as she's never led me astray before. I followed her lead, I withdrew and I hermited. I took time to heal my emotional wounds and turned them into weather-ready scars. I took time to think and reflect on what I was becoming and turned away from it. I was becoming exceedingly judgemental, and I hated myself for it. I hated myself for it before I even actively realized I was doing it and that is why I started pulling back. I was becoming miserable because I was conflicted. I'm so thankful my subconcious me has my back because I'd be lost without her. She's my guiding light, the little whispers that force me back on track when I've fallen from the path I choose to walk. :)

I got some photos back from the Zombie 5k obstacle run. They're just the free little proofs they email out to see if you'd like to purchase larger prints. Unfortunately it's not in the budget right now but I do remember back fondly to that race. Something I noticed about every picture? I'm smiling. I'm glowing a happy and enthusiastic energy. I'm pushing myself so hard, to outlast and outwit the zombies. To outlast my own physical capabilities. I look fabulous in every picture because I can see the happiness just dripping off of me in every single picture. That race made my heart sing. Every single cell in my body was singing a joyful, beautiful tune. That is what makes me happy. Exercising, pushing, going harder than I ever thought I could because I must, because I choose to, going to my limit just to see how much sweat I can make fly. This brings me bliss. It brings me happiness in every sense of the word.

I have found what makes me happy. I'm going to go there.

Eggs out
xx

I Fought The Law And The...Law Won

(L): 199.4 lbs / (R): 187.0 lbs

Hehe. I did fight the law and his name was Nana. He pushed me really hard today, but my arms/shoulders/thighs and abs are going to be ripped at the end of this, I can just feel it. After an hour of training with Nana I hit the gym again a few hours later to get another hour of cardio in. I managed to run off 300 calories, snowshoe off 100 calories, and then bike it out for 64 calories. It was actually a pretty awesome evening.



After finishing at Gold's I jogged over to the Bloom. It was closed but I made it the whole way without getting winded. What a change one single week of hardcore and focused physical activity can do.

The evening itself was broken up after my PT session due to a "Monster Bash" at my daughter's school. It was fun, pizza/juice/chips, pumpkin painting and dancing. It was nice to get out and it seems like she had a blast.

I love working out. I see the soul of a gym rat being cultivated within me. I'm so happy at the gym, and I love sweating it out, and I love the immediate accomplishments of finishing a specific work out. I love the long term accomplishments that come with weight loss and inch loss.

I'm happy. Tired, sore, and HAPPY. Happiness...that's what life is all about.

Eggs out

xx

Physical Trainer: Which of us shall kick the butt of the other?

My old work pants, size 26W. Used to be too small on me!

Right now I'm hiding under a pile of blankets and pillows, fighting off a pretty substantial chill. I had a hard work out at the gym tonight: 35 minutes on the stair stepper (110 flights climbed) 323.1 calories burned. 30 minutes of hard cycling (great cardio) 199 calories burned. Brisk walk (with hubby when I got home) for 0.8 miles and 49 calories burned. That's a total of 571.1 calories burned.

I kicked ass. Just saying.

The 35 minutes on the stairstepper did attempt to kick me back though. I've learned that I go good for the first 20 minutes on levels 5/6, but the last 15 minutes just become entirely laborious. Having something to focus on would be nice, since climbing stairs is exceedingly boring, but I have nothing to keep my eyes on. The televisions at the gym are close-captioned and I don't see well which means I can't read them. My music is awesome, but the tempo is much too fast for effective stair climbing. A television should I could watch would be awesome, but I don't have anything that streams video or whatever. I don't know what to do..just suck it up and bust it out, probably!

All of me in one leg of my old size 26W pants.

I started with my first day at the physical trainer today. His name is Nana and he is from Ghana. I hope we get an awesome working relationship together and he pushes me in all the ways I'm hoping to be pushed. I'm going to take a morning weight tomorrow, along with a set of PT starting measurements, so I can compare Pre-PT me to Post-PT me. I'm really excited to see how the rather large cash investment for PT will pay off. This whole physical trainer thing is so...awesome. I'm so blessed my husband and I were able to swing this. That with everything going on my husband realizes how important this is to me, for both now and my future. I am going to grab tight onto my dreams and realize the heck out of them

Only 52 pounds to go until goal.

Eggs out

xx

Five to Blast Off

Hopped on the scale this morning and saw 185.0. That's pretty exciting as that means there is only 5 pounds to go until I've hit my second major weight-loss goal. The first weight-loss goal being the celebration surrounding losing 100 pounds.

It's hard to believe I was even this weight in sixth grade. I have the confidence and strength to carry it off now, but in sixth grade? I never had a chance. I had no actual idea of what I needed to do to keep my weight in check. It never registered. Junk food was part of the 'norm'. I'm sad for the younger me but I'll do right by her now. I have the time and the opportunity to make it okay.

I have a series of 14 sessions with a personal trainer coming up. I reckon if I go twice per week that'll give me seven weeks of hardcore training plotted out. I was asked what my goals were, and I really had to think about it. My goal isn't just to lose weight anymore. I want to be able to run 5k's and only be winded, rather than wishing for death. I want to be able to run 10k's. I want to be able to cycle and jog and swim. So I decided my goals were as following: 1) Build muscle, 2) Lose weight, 3) Improve cardiovascular endurance. I'm going to make updates about how I see improvement in one of those three areas in all upcoming blog entries. I've been working out every night this week and here is what I've noticed so far: (Improve Cardiovascular): Day one I was only able to cycle on level 1 for 20 minutes. Last night I was able to cycle on level 3 for 20 minutes. Woo!

That's all for this morning!

Eggs out

xx

A Gold Medal Within Reach



I'm not ready for the pictu-*Click!*

Tonight after work at the Chiropractic office, I poddled over to the Gold's Gym which is beside my office. A free all-inclusive gym membership is an amazing work benefit; how much luckier can a girl trying to lose weight get?! So I walked in prepared to hit up the BodyJam class at 7:30pm. I was psyched, I was ready, I was HORRIBLY UNPREPARED. I am clearly not coordinated enough to be able to dance to any choreography. The class is an hour long and I did my very best for 45 minutes. I kept mis-stepping and always ended up back-asswards from the rest of the class. After a 45 minute solid and true effort I decided what was best for me would be to leave the class and bust it out on some machines.

I didn't quit - I just readjusted my focus. At first I thought perhaps I was a big stinky quitter, but I picked myself up by my bootstraps and hopped onto a stair-climbing style elliptical. I wasn't getting what I went to the gym for in that choreographed aerobics/dance class so it makes perfect sense I left and went after what I went there for. After I worked out on that I hopped onto a bicycle and put myself into the "Fat Burn" mode and busted my booty on that for ten minutes. I then drove home, and poked my husband into a short half-mile run. We had set a timer to see how fast we could do it (he was sick so he petered out half way) and by the time I got back the timer had done something weird and stopped working. I never got a time...but I'm going to by a stop watch for the future. I'm excited to really get out and get race training for the Zombie 5k next year and perhaps a few more events between here and there as well.

I was so discouraged the first time I ran on our at-home elliptical for the first time since being back from Canada. I had lost so much of my conditioning and my muscles were nowhere near as strong and toned as they had been. I want back what I had 35 pounds ago - I could run with so much ease. Now it burns when I run. I know my lung infection didn't help, but ultimately I know my conditioning has gone down the toilet and I'm going to get it back!

I was thinking of going to the Latin Dance class at Gold's but I think I'll just hit the gym tomorrow and skip the dance class. I'm simply not coordinated enough to do choreographed fitness. I am going to do the yoga class on Thursday and see how I do with that. I am very excited to try the RPM bike class and the Fit Row class at Gold's because those are "head down, focus, bust it out' types of fitness. I do much better at stuff that doesn't require fancy steps and am looking forward to seeing how far I can take my fitness.

That's all for tonight folks!

Eggs out
xx

Zombie 5k Ain't Got Nothin' On Me!

Red-faced and exhausted after a successful 5k!

WE COMPLETED THE COURSE. It was hard, to be true...so much waiting and strategy required. Finding groups to take on the zombie horde with, ducking and diving. It took us over 3 hours to get to the site because the traffic was so backed up to get TO the event, we were 1.5 hours late for our wave (no fault of our own). They pushed back all the waves, we came - we ran - we conquered. I drank my first beer in ages. Well. Half a beer anyway, while waiting for our times to post. I know our times would have been faster if we didn't need time to stop, amass groups, and devise strategy!

Rockin' Hubby's Old Sweats

We survived though, brains intact. Robert and I both made the choices necessary to survive. We swam through cold 5' high river water for approximately 400 feet, we climbed 50* incline hills that were all mud, we ran through mazes, army crawled through tunnels, we climbed huge net-rope apparatuses, a climbing wall made of 2x4 planks you couldn't get a grip on and had to slide toward enemies waiting on the other side, and took on zombies trying to steal our health tags (we only got three to start with) the whole way. Hubby's old Salvation Army volunteering appreciation shirt and old jogging pants made for excellent race day attire...that is until I jumped in the freezing cold water and almost lost them - TWICE!

We won. This was a relationship building experience. THIS WAS AWESOME. Awesome. We could not have done this without my sister and brother in law, HUGE THANK YOU to them. Can't wait to see if we can do it WITH them next year. Hopefully we'll plan better! :D

My first 5k guys. My husband was there: Picking me up out of the mud when I fell, calling Zombie's attentions away from me as I went for it to clear him a free space to run. I was there for him taking every obstacle first, making sure I was zombie bait for him. We were shields for eachother's backs. We were unstoppable.

Such a high from this whole experience! Can't wait to do it again next year! From the race management website: "Elite Race Management is proud to be the official timer of the 2011 Run For Your Lives Zombie 5k!  Runners will navigate a series of 12 obstacles throughout a 5K course in an attempt to reach the finish line — all while avoiding zombies."

What a day people. What a day. :) We weren't even in the bottom 100, and that's with zero training!

Holly's Time: 1:12:27:7
Holly's Overall Ranking: 6867/7030
Robert's Time: 1:12:28:4
Robert:s Overall Ranking: 6868/7030

Small Moments Worth Celebrating

I was thinking of all the "Small Moments" of my weight loss today on the drive home from Wal-Mart. I had to go to Wal-Mart to get another set of scrubs for work - in a size medium! I must say they fit much better than the size large's I'm in right now, but I digress; Small Moments are the center stage right now.

Small Moments are times I think back on and smile over. Small Moments are what keep me going. Small Moments are the things I miss when I decide to 'take a break'. Small Moments are the moments that add up, one by one, until they've become a Big Moment in the form of yet another 50lbs lost, or another inch-loss goal achieved.

Small Moments like: Having the man at the carving stand at a local restaraunt we frequent telling me, "You're doing really well! You look good!". Having to get a second set of work scrubs only six weeks after starting. Remembering once when I was at Curves willing myself to see a 199 on the scale and working my rear-end off with the 199 in mind. Empathizing with the contestants on Biggest Loser when they first start their journeys and sharing their joy at the end of the journey. Catching notice of my collar bones in a mirror or a photograph and grinning. Forgetting something upstairs once I've made it to the bottom and smiling because I have a reason to run the stairs once more. Shopping for bras and firmly NOT missing the old days of a 48DDD. Zipping up a size 14 with some room to spare. Being told, "unfortunately you might not find your size here" at a plus-size clothing store. Getting hand-me-down's from my Sister-in-law that are already too big for me by the time I get them home. Realizing all my underpants are too big. Dancing and actively noticing that my fat is less wobbly than usual. Bracing myself and seeing a tricep muscle flex and bulge on the back of my arm and thinking "hello!" to it in my head. Actively not giving a crap of what other think of my body when swiming/working out/being healthy. Trying on, or picking out clothes, and still thinking I'm considerably larger than I actually am. Being afraid of a challenge (Zombie 5k!) but knowing that I'll do my damndest and not give up before it has even started. Doing the math and realizing I've lost SEVENTY FIVE (75!) inches overall since I started recorded my inches in July 2010! And the biggest deal: Trusting myself.

These "Small Moments" are how I define my success...without them I'd be lost. Finding the simple joys for a big project in every day life are what keeps it real to me, keeps it applicable, keeps it worth continuing to do.

Small moments are worth celebrating.

Eggs out.
xx

T - 180!

I saw the 180's on the scale this morning! Granted it was barely within the 180's (189.6 lbs), but considering I haven't honestly been in the 180's since sixth grade I'm beside myself with excitement and accomplishment. I feel so positively bouncy and this is GREAT! I have almost exactly one month left to hit my goal weight of 180 (or less hopefully) and I am feeling very confident that I just might be able to pull this one out of my hat.

I have a list of things I'm itching to get my hands into, a list of things I'm excited about. One of the top things is getting my act together and getting started at Gold's Gym. I can't wait to try out some of their classes. Another thing I'm looking forward to is swing dance classes with my husband. I'm just so thankful I've been able to make it this far, and happier still that I will be able to keep going.

I don't have the same kind of excitement about losing weight as I had before - It's different, a little less 'new' but it's still there. I am just so excited to see where I'll be when all is said and done.

Eggs out.

Back on Track

Size 16 dress in garnet.

My husband and I spent Saturday day at a lovely wedding for a pair of lovely friends. In case you haven't guessed: It was lovely! It was wonderful to be able to go out and see this long-awaited union become official. My husband and I ended up helping a lot with the set up of the catering, keeping food stocked up, and bringing drinks out. I can only imagine the calories I burned and I honestly love being able to look at things I'm doing and say: That was awesome. I just burned calories. For a long while I stopped being able to look at situations with that kind of perspective and I'm just thankful I've finally got it back. On the menu were a lot of fresh, locally sourced vegetables, large grilled portabello mushrooms and some meat options. Knowing I'd be going into a weekend of food not on E2L and planning to just enjoy myself I made a few choices I might not make on a regular basis. I ate some delicious spinach and artichoke dip on naan bread, I sampled some macaroni and cheese, and added some balsamic glaze to the tasty grilled veg. The night before, on Friday, they had their rehearsal dinner at a rather fancy-pants country club. My entree was absolutely delicious and I'm thankful that the country club was able to accomodate my special order for a vegan entree. The entire dining experience was absolutely decadent: A spinach and roasted pear salad with raspberry dressing to start, the main vegan entree was a delicate angel hair pasta and roasted vegetable dish, and dessert was a rich chocolate silk cake with chocolate ganache on top with white chocolate drizzle. I chose not to eat my piece of cake and instead gave that to the Groom since he was eyeing it up.

Saturday evening we spent at the house of friends that babysat our children during the Saturday event. There was a lot of conversations and quite a few branches off the main idea of the conversation that lead me to do an awful lot of thinking. I'm still not able to place into solid words/context exactly where I am with everything that came up. I have a lot more introspective searching to do. I know this is pretty vague for right now but there's only so much I'm comfortable putting up on a blog. There are a lot of decisions and choices I've made that might have been complicating things for me. I know I am impressively strong and tenacious at many things in my life, but some things I need to think about possibly approaching differently.

It has been a wonderful weekend. My weight has gone up slightly due to all the salt in the food I ate, but I figure getting back on E2L 100% will take care of that within a week. Back on the horse!

Eggs out.

An Ooky Spooky October Weigh-In

I've had to pull a complete 360 with my motivation, my attitude, my physical activity, my everything. I had to get into a better mindset, I had to find a level of commitment I had forgotten that I had. Then again, maybe I never forgot..I always knew it was there I just forgot how deeply I had buried it.

I don't know if I'm ready for physical activity again - I started the other night but my neck has been screaming at me. I'm doing something to it, something wrong, and the other night I checked my blind spot whilst driving and rotated/popped my neck that caused this awful pain right under my shoulder blade. I need to be happy with starting slow because ramping it up is just causing more damage. I can do this...I just need to learn some patience with myself. I always want to be the best. I always need to be my best. Puts me in a sticky situation from time to time!

Well today's weigh in is surprisingly not at all disappointing. I went from a bad month in September to a more-than-awesome month in October. During the last week of September I had a really bad illness, some bout of vertigo that caused an inability to move (let alone eat!) and constant dizziness/heaving meant if I did eat I'd often loose it on a simple trip standing up and racing to the bathroom. It was an unpleasant time for me but my symptoms are now completely healed! It's really night and day. I went from the worst case of vertigo my chiropractor had ever seen to perfectly fine after only a week and handful of days. I do heal freakishly fast - go me, I guess :)

Anyway, to the left are the results we've all been waiting for! I'm down 7.2lbs and 7.0" overall. I lost a ton off my abdomen, likely bloating reduction because I've cut out salt etc. I'm going to a friend's rehearsal dinner tonight  and her wedding tomorrow, and so I will be most certainly eating of things not on the diet. When I decided to get back on E2L when I did I knew that this would be an eventuality so I'm going to go and enjoy myself and hope I don't get too far set back. A good day today!

Running Woes

I made a goal to run for 20 minutes tonight. I started out okay, at the old resistance I used to use (resistance 6). I did that for a few minutes and then started sucking air like it was going out of style. I did my 20 minutes because I said I would, but I did it at 1/3 the resistance for the second half of the 20 minutes that I used to. I used to whip about a res 6 for 20 minutes and barely even notice it. Now I'm being murdered by a res 2 for 20 minutes. My conditioning is so far gone. I have six and a half weeks before my Complete 180, I have two and a half weeks before my first 5k/obstacle race (I will not perform well at the race, but I WILL finish. I'm determined! :) )

For weeks I've been struggling and trying to cope with being inactive. I've been trying to force my head back into the 'game'. I've been fighting against myself completely non-stop. I've been making grand-schemes for things I'd like to do and things I'd like to see happening...but in the end, nothing matters if you don't get started. Although I had my negative fitness shown to me today I did the most important thing of all: I got back on the bandwagon. I started. That's half the battle, right?! So excited to get back on track. Weigh-in in 4 days. I'd like to, if possible, pull a number in the 180's. I'll settle for a nice low 190's though.

Let's see what tomorrow brings, shall we?

A very tired and excited Eggs out.

Craply Noms - Inspired To Find My "More"

Brown rice pasta with soy milk white sauce. Mm!

I've been eating kind of crap-ly lately. I mean, it's not crap in general but is crap compared to how I ate for a year and a half. The random positive side is that I have managed to drop quite a bit of weight compared to last month's weigh-in. Yesterday was cheesy (vegan cheese, no dairy) potatoes, two eggs over-easy with more potatoes to dip in them, a huge veggie stir-fry (asparagus, tomato, onion, green pepper, zuchinni, yum!) and pan fried tofu in cooking spray. It was delicious.

I was looking into trying the paleo diet to mix things up, but after doing some reading I realized it simply *couldn't* work for me. Not only do I not eat meat, but I believe any diet that cuts out beans is not for me. I need my fiber and protein from somewhere and there are only so many nuts I can eat in a day. I've been wanting to mix it up though, but there are only certain food approaches I consider to be reasonable. See below:

1) I don't do slim fast, or medifast, or anything that requires you to eat in an unnatural/liquid/bar-food only to loose weight. I feel as soon as one eats normal food again they fluff back up. Seen it happen far too often. I also refuse any weight loss surgery - I personally do not believe they are healthy choices for me.
2) So far the only lifestyle diets I see that seem 'legit' are Eat to Live, with the Paleo diet in second. My research reveals far too much meat in Paleo for a vegetarian/selective vegan, with an elimination of the food groups that actually kind of sustain me. That and I believe beans are an amazing super food so cutting them out seems absurd to my brain.
3) I hate counting. I hate measuring. Weight Watchers etc is far too work for me (I'm really exceedingly lazy and I need to eat a LOT and constantly - I always eat more than the calories I'm supposed to when I am exercising. I also believe calorie restriction is bunk).

I'll probably end up going right back to E2L honestly. It's the perfect fit for me, my habits and my lifestyle. I've just been feeling all woe betide with it since I'd been doing it for a year and a half. I wanna eat tasty things too! Which I guess I can have on E2L at 10% of my daily consumption but, with that said, sometimes we wanna have fat days where we eat nothing but garbage :D Yum yum garbage [/oinks]. However, the fact I've only lost 3.8 pounds this last month is kind of my clue-in to get something back on track now that I'm less icky after the accident. To Gold's -Yay for free gym memberships through my employment.

In my Size L work scrubs :)

This month is a month of crazyness: My first 5k is on October 22. I have a friends wedding/rehersal dinner/etc coming up, house refinance will close, Allstate insurance claim will go through, plumbing is broke in the downstairs, family is busy with Robert covering for two of his employees, Elysia starting ballet, Halloween is coming up ~ Phew, whirlwind.

It's okay though. All is improving. I need to hit my Complete 180 by my birthday (November 22) or I'm an epic failure that can't stick to her goals. That means I have to lose another 13.6 pounds(ish) in 6.5 weeks. Detox time. I can't afford to set goals and not meet them..that's the first step down the hell-spiral of doom.

Alright. Back on track today. Short-term goals: See how I start going to Gold's, and run on the elliptical at least once per night for 20 minutes. I've been feeling so physically sick lately with the foods I've been choosing to eat and it has me feeling sluggish and 'sugared out'. It's not a good head space to be in, constantly gratifying with fast calories and quick energy. I need to re-educate my body into eating for health, not emotional happiness.

The bandwagon screams for me!
Eggs Out.