Somewhere Between The Rock, Tree And Stream

On The Zombie Race Course

I've been in such a unique and somewhat lonely headspace the past few weeks. I sit here and I look at all that I am, and all that I do. Sometimes I find myself wondering why I am so lacking. Last night I stayed up until midnight talking with my husband about my headspace. I explained that I wanted to know where I was, to be able to sit and say "this is where I am, this is what I want." Where I am and what I was is so abstract right now and I'm constantly interrupted whenever I start making any headway.

I explained to him that I want to draw him a map to where I am, so he can be with me during this part of my journey (weight loss related, and otherwise.) I explained that as soon as I start drawing a map - figuring out the relation of the tree to the rock to the stream, so that I know how to prepare my map some big thing crashes through the woods and makes me run a few miles in another direction. As soon as I start plotting out where I am in that new place in the woods I get forced away again. I want to know. I want to understand.

I've been hurt so recently by some situations that I'm still recovering from. Through all of this introspection spoken aloud to my husband I also came to terms (with someone other than myself) of why I had "fallen off the wagon" for two months a while back. I was turning into someone I didn't want to be in this journey. I was starting to believe I knew and understood everything, when I knew nad understood only what related to me. My ego was becoming pompous, probably to compensate for feelings of worthlessness after being hurt, and  I hated that. I stamped my ego out subconsciously by punishing myself in a roundabout way by taking away the one thing from myself that has defined me so far: My weight loss journey.

I took it away, or rather my subconscious did. I stopped working, I became uninspired, I had totally lost my muse for advancement. After weeks of begging the question "Why?" I realized what my usbonscious was trying to do. I chose to let my subconscious take the reigns as she's never led me astray before. I followed her lead, I withdrew and I hermited. I took time to heal my emotional wounds and turned them into weather-ready scars. I took time to think and reflect on what I was becoming and turned away from it. I was becoming exceedingly judgemental, and I hated myself for it. I hated myself for it before I even actively realized I was doing it and that is why I started pulling back. I was becoming miserable because I was conflicted. I'm so thankful my subconcious me has my back because I'd be lost without her. She's my guiding light, the little whispers that force me back on track when I've fallen from the path I choose to walk. :)

I got some photos back from the Zombie 5k obstacle run. They're just the free little proofs they email out to see if you'd like to purchase larger prints. Unfortunately it's not in the budget right now but I do remember back fondly to that race. Something I noticed about every picture? I'm smiling. I'm glowing a happy and enthusiastic energy. I'm pushing myself so hard, to outlast and outwit the zombies. To outlast my own physical capabilities. I look fabulous in every picture because I can see the happiness just dripping off of me in every single picture. That race made my heart sing. Every single cell in my body was singing a joyful, beautiful tune. That is what makes me happy. Exercising, pushing, going harder than I ever thought I could because I must, because I choose to, going to my limit just to see how much sweat I can make fly. This brings me bliss. It brings me happiness in every sense of the word.

I have found what makes me happy. I'm going to go there.

Eggs out
xx