Tidal Bore Rafting - The Start of a New Adventure



Pictured L to R: Myself, Craig, Mom

Today I went tidal bore rafting with my mother. I know I went into detail about it a few entries ago, but I just cannot get over how awesome the entire experience was. Not awesome in the modern sense where everything is awesome, but awesome in the more Biblical sense. Full of awe indeed! Actually seeing the water at low tide, then riding it to high tide was simply one of the most amazing things I've ever seen in nature.

Surprisingly though this entire experience directly relates to my weight loss. Several of the highlights? Firstly when I was passed my rain slicker he told me "I know it's big, but it's just to keep the air off you so it should be alright." No one has ever told me they knew something would be big on me, it's always been, "Oh I'm not sure that will fit" or, "perhaps we shoud try an extender?" even the ever classic, "well...I'm sure you'll be fine without it (and/or) unfortunately you won't be able to participate - safety regulations. Sorry."

Secondly, I almost fell off the boat and the two gents on either side of me didn't hesitate for a second to grab onto me and reel me back in. This is considerably different to the experience I had before when I was having an asthma attack, someone sat me in a chair and then offered to carry the chair to the medical center only to be told, "No you'll put your back out." It wasn't said to be mean, but that kind of thing sticks with you...

Thirdly, I could actually go. I didn't exceed any weight limit at all! I could go and be normal. Fourthly, I didn't need a life jacket in the 'next size up'. I was able to wear the same lifejacket as everyone else. It was even a little bit loose around my waist. I was just like everyone else - nothing special, nothing additional, no pitying looks, no wayward glances at a manager. I was just me, and I was able to be accomodated.

Fifthly, if fifthly is a word, my butt bones hurt because my butt was bouncing away on the hard side of a raft for 3.5 hours. This might not seem like a 'big thing', but let me tell you - my butt used to be a very, very big thing indeed! And sixthly, to top it all off, I had no shame jumping off the side of the boat in calmer waters to take a swim. I didn't worry at all about how silly I looked being pulled back into the boat looking like a wet seal and landing with a PLOP. I didn't worry at all that the 140-something pound female guide would be able to get me in the boat. I knew it'd all be just fine. I knew I was strong enough to swim in the semi-rapids without help, I knew I was strong enough to be fine if I did fall over board, I knew I was fit enough and well enough to sustain myself without help.

Standing in an area soon to be many feet underwater!

It was a freeing, beautiful, awesome experience. I've already excitedly started plotting out all the other fun things I'd like to do..bungee jumping, sky diving, hot air balloons. My weight can't hold me back any longer. My wings are free - watch me fly.

(A very happily tired) Eggs out

xx

Things Inspiring, Things Lost!

Hello again! It's round two of blog entry because I will be out all day tomorrow on my tidal bore rafting adventure with my Mama. I'm very excited for it and will likely want to take a blogging break in order to process it all. So for tomorrow's post I've decided to do a post entitled "Things Inspiring, Things Lost" and have done some research on the weights of things I've actually lost! I've also heard recently that people have found my efforts inspiring (not really, you can do it too!) so I've decided to put 'out there' what inspires me. Here are a few things:

Things Inspiring
-Sunsets - They're so beautiful and really make you wonder about all of life's mysteries
-My circle of good friends - Loyalty, friendship, and a listening ear
-Close-ups of flowers - So much delicate detail in such a small flower. No detail is wasted though!
-My mothers fish - Jumped out of his tank, got covered in furballs, survived my big human hand pulling furballs off of him, then survived long enough in the tank to grow parasites from being on the floor, then survived parasite treatment, and is now a perfectly happy fish with no health issues!
-People who keep striving for their dreams despite injury, heartache or illness.
-The Biggest Loser television shows

Things Lost

• Alicia-Marie, IFBB Pro Bikini Competitor/Cover Model. 131lbs
• John Murray, Lightweight Pro-Boxer
• An average newborn baby Giraffe!
• Double the pounds of fats/oils an average American eats in a year (66lb/American. Eww.)
• One hundred and thirty one guinea pigs
• A three month old horse
• 4 cinderblocks (33lbs per block)
• Two elephant's penises (More than you ever wanted to know!)
• The weight of three and one-quarter average human legs
• Five average two year olds
• Six and a half average automobile tires
• Almost two averagely weighted Irish Setters
• Eleven averagely weighted Bald Eagles
• Sixteen averagely weighted human heads
• Twelve averagely weighted housecats
• Seventeen and a half newborn babies
• Twenty-six Chihuahuas
• 33 Ostrich eggs
• One thousand forty-four Krispy Kreme Doughnuts
• Twenty-two human skins (how morbid!)

 

From a list I found on ObesityHelp.com, at the following address: http://www.obesityhelp.com/forums/amos/3881489/What-things-weigh

That is all for today. I am well amused! A baby giraffe indeed <3

Eggs out.
xx

Sweet Cheesus - Hello 100's. Long Time, No See.

I keep starting my blog entry and then deleting it. I keep failing at saying exactly what I'd like to say, I get frustrated with what I've written so far and then I delete it all. So I've decided that for better, or worse, I shall post this entry! After speaking with my husband I decided that rather than focus on my weightloss for right now (I hit 199.6 this morning) I'll focus on the changes I've noticed within myself, or have had others notice within me. I find the 199.6 to be a little overwhelming so I'll focus on the things that are less overwhelming!

Positive Changes

1. Desire to keep my house and personal spaces clean and organized
2. Self-confidence in social settings, lessened social anxiety
3. Eating healthy, exercise on a regular basis (huge difference)
4. More determined to reach goals, set goals and follow through with goals
5. Have become more affectionate
6. Emotions have been substantially more even-keeled, stable
7. Stronger emotionally, able to handle more while maintaining empathy.
8. Less emotional internalization
9. Sticking to decisions and choices, because am putting more thought/effort in initially
10. Owning my choices and decisions, and their consequences
11. Following more natural/organic/homeopathic/healthy choices in food/exercise/healthcare
12. Unwilling to escalate arguments. Will put point 'out' and then leave well enough alone.
13. Used to feel 'unworthy' of presents, rewards, and incentives. Now I feel I've earned it.
14. More willing to get out and see the world - Walking, hiking, for miles no longer put me off
15. I now fit in the bath tub
16. I can wear clothes from standard-size shops
17. Shoe width has shrunk
18. Don't think people are always talking poorly of me when I get a glance my way
19. Excited to get a new gym membership
20. As excited about my new bathroom scale and all it's features as some people are about new video game systems/toys
21. Willing to wear swimsuit without cover up/illing to wear dresses/tops without arm covering
22. More interested in my own sense of fashion and how I present to the world, wardrobe includes more colours than black and high-heels!
23. Will wear shorter skirts, tighter clothing, less ashamed of my figure
24. Finally got the body mods done that I've been wanting for ages
25. No longer ashamed to be seen eating in front of others
26. Willing to be in pictures (huge!)
27. More willing to explore different aspects of my sexuality
28. I have bones! My collar bones have made a reappearance and several fat rolls have flown the coop
29. I can eat certain 'naughty' foods without guilt, knowing that I've eaten like a champ overall
30. I have proven myself, my worth, and my dedication to the most important person I can - ME.

At 199.6lbs I have a rather long list of positive things I can attribue to losing weight. Whether through the actual act of getting smaller, or from the mental changes that come when taking hold of life's horns and taking control BACK into my own hands. It has been an amazing journey so far. 64.6 lbs left to lose before goal weight, from the original 196 lbs! That means I've lost 131.4lbs overall. Whoa.

Time to go do some serious introspection on that!

Eggs out
xx

Ashamed, or Accepting? Warpaint on.

 

Still Height/Weight proportionate. Old Pic from my Dad's.

I've been having such a tough week, and as much as my husband is amazing to talk to sometimes I feel like he simply doesn't 'understand' me. I've lost a whole human being, I've struggled my whole life with feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy. I've fought against every social convention I've ever seen, or been taught, to finally find some measure of peace and acceptance with myself and now I'm completely frozen with fear. This goes back to the entry I made the day before yesterday, I was hoping that time would cure the fear but it hasn't. Actually it's gotten worse.

I was supposed to be doing Eat to Live with Bethan, for moral support I suppose, but I've been feeling so terrified and discouraged that I've been undoing all my hard work for the sake of not having to face the 100's. I've been eating poorly, not doing as much physical activity as I should like, and feeling very down.

If I end up becoming everything I ever wanted to be and I don't suddenly find happiness what does that say about the years and years I've spent suffering and pining. What if I don't end up feeling any better. What if it is all a sham? I'm having a 'mid-life' weight loss crisis right now. I'm one step away from going out, finding a wife 30 years my junior and buying a sexy, sporty convertible Mustang.

I don't know where my weight is right now. I can't face the scale. What if it says something good? I've never in my entire life been afraid of the scale! I don't know what to do with myself. I'll be disappointed with my dumb choices if I've gained weight. I'll be disappointed with my dumb choices if I've lost weight. I'll be disappointed with myself if I maintain weight. What a curious situation to be in, because the solution seems so...difficult?

Soti's old 6th Form jumper

Robert gave a rather good suggestion about continuing to eat well and exercise and just not losing the scale, but I know when things are fitting and when I'm losing weight. I tried on my ex-husband's old school jumper (pullover, sweater, whatever you should like to call it) and it's really quite loose. It's a UK Large, which is a US Medium. I'm in a US Medium and it's hanging off of me. How long before I'm thin like I've always wanted, and then I suddenly have no clue what to do with myself? What  small world problems I have, "Oh woe is me, I'm successful. I have an amazing husband and amazing children, and we can pay all of our bills, and we can afford grand vacations, and I'm losing weight, and I'm really quite happy and my stress level is actually quite low - WAHHHH". Time to suck it up, I know...I'll get back on track this weekend and force myself on the scale. Fear be damned, I didn't get this far in life by letting anything but my own intuition rule me.

Eggs out. Warpaint on.

xx

"Children waiting for the day they feel good, happy birthday, happy birthda~a~ay"

Today's entry are various writings taken from a memory box uncovered at my Father's house from when I was fourteen years old. How unfortunate to be so confused and alone because I was suffering with the onset of Bi-Polar disorder and because no one understood it I was ostracised for it. I've been asked before "what was so wrong" - Well here is a small taste of what it is like to have an undiagnosed mental condition where not one single person seems to reach out, and if they did they pulled back because they didn't understand. Even doctors, therapists, counsellors. That gave me huge trust issues. It broke my heart a little to read my old diary, and dig up my old feelings about who I am, and how my self-esteem regarding my weight (on top of everything else) impacted me ultimately gaining up to over 300 pounds! Be kind whenever you can...you never know what the person on the receiving end of your words has been through :)

November 21, 1999
I picked up my belongings and made my way to the train that was not there. I fixed my hair with a brush I could not touch. I filled my stomach with food I could not eat. I breathed the air that disappears. I died a death that did not happen. I lived a dream that no one had.

November 22, 1999
"I am fat. I hate myself. I have to lose a lot of weight. I can't wait for that day. I'm not pretty enough for him, or for any other guy come to think of it. If the day ever comes a celebration is in order. But it never will. I'm too weak. I tried and wanted to die, what does that say about a person? I'm not good enough for him, but I will be someday. It might be hard, but hard work usually pays off and I'll be better if I do it too. [Goal] is in 2 months. That's....two months hardly eating - I can do that! Exercise and barely any food, but enough to keep me going...no...no food at all. Well a little bit, a teensy bit. TEENSY. That is doable." - My birthday...

November 23, 1999
"I guess it's another 'happy' day in school. I use you [diary] as a best friend. I need your confidence and friendship. My self esteem is slowly depleting. I can't eat, or sleep - what a wonderful birthday present, huh? I really want the courage to face my demons. I feel excluded in life, everyone works around me. I'm always (nicely) brushed off, feelings of seperation and unwantedness are plaguing me wherever I go. I need someone to confide in, that I can speak to about my problems. Life is stupid. It gives you exactly what you don't want and when it finds out you hate it, it pushes it into you so hard that it grows on you, then it moves to your soul before finally enveloping it. It does horrible things to your mind, it creates hourglass images and that's all you ever see. Death, destruction and hatred. Talk, don't listen, very bad. Listen, stop speaking. Lead the men of your mind to battle. The MPB will commence. Purge the dove as the war forwards, the sky will drop. The sky has dropped."

November 24, 1999
"These things I am about to write down are from my old diary, but I'll write them here so when I'm at school I can remember them and work on becoming a better person. Here goes:

A smile that calms, a light in my heart, to be happy and forgiving, to be sacrificing for my friends, to be modest and unhypocritical, to think about (not worry about) what people think of me, to be empathic, quiet, caring, loving, peaceable, instinctive, passionate. To give, and receive love back. I guess that's what everyone wants, right?..."

December 1, 1999
"One hundred thousand apologies. No excuse I have is good enough to speak for not writing. I've lost track of time so I don't have a date. There was a snowstorm today so I didn't go to school. Biased opinions suck, so do lies and so does the hard truth. The truth makes you realize what you once thought was perfect is seemingly flawed. I've never found anybody nice enough that didn't have flaws like lying or hatred of others. When life falls down around you, what do you do? Pull it up, step away from it, or continue on your path with it around your ankles. The first is hard, the second is the easy way, and the third is pointless. The only option left is death but killing yourself means you belong to a fool's paradise. A paradise lacking all you once had. I notice those best off complain the most and those in the gutters make the best of what they have. But what can you do if you're neither well-off, nor misfortunate? Trudge along life's path not knowing what is going to happen next. These memories, these writings in this diary will be read by me in the future if I succeed in not losing this precious diary. I hope I never do..."

Throwing Away Pieces Of Me - Open Your Heart To Fears And Rejection

I'm at my Father's house this week, visiting and spending time. It's hard to believe that I only have twenty days left here in Canada. I feel like I still have so much more to do, to accomplish, to think about. There might be just enough time to have accomplished all of the physical things I had intended to do here (things to do, people to see) but I feel anxious whenever I think of leaving because I feel this horrible gut-wrenching fear of having not completely 'topped off my tank', emotionally speaking. Twenty days left; Time to start pushing to make the very most of them, but that will be hard - I'm confused and hurting.

Coming to Canada was somewhat worrying before leaving . I remember being concerned about coming here and gaining weight because...let's face it, I always have before. Looking back though I've lost about ten pounds since being here, over the course of about five weeks so far. I've been diven and motivated, but at the same time also making time to try some of my favourite foods and favourite dishes so I don't feel denied.

I've been being a very good girl lately, and whilst talking to my husband I discovered yet another thing about myself (surprise, surprise). My weight always goes down, sooner or later so I have stopped placing as much importance on the scale as I once did. To me, the scale is a way of measuring my progress and detecting problems within my daily diet that I might have no other way of detecting (like the inflammation, bloating and weight gain after eating gluten, for example). I view the scale as a tool, not as a friend or an enemy. I made a post a while back trying to figure out exactly how I felt about it and think I finally have the scale in a 'healthy' place in my mind. Scale does NOT equal self worth, and for a while there I'm ashamed to admit that it did.

What gets me now (and what ultimately lead to me thinking about that which has terrified me) is that when I see the numbers going up and can eliminate mother nature as the culprit I know I'm doing something wrong - this isn't terrifying though, not yet. I can isolate what my failings are, what I've been doing wrong, and I can FIX it. Sometimes I get trapped by circumstance when it comes to exercise or food intake, and being in that circumstance is ultimately my fault because I chose not to plan better. It angers me sometimes when people who are 'trying to lose weight' will find a million and one excuses to not eat properly and so I considered that strongly, worried I might have been a hypocrite and needed to cut myself (another others) some slack. After taking some serious brain-think time I realized that if I had honestly had another option I would have chosen the other option and that no, I did not need to cut anyone slack if they didn't plan better or were just being lazy. I deserved every pound that poor choice packed on me. I'm a hardass, but it's gotten me to where I am, so I am fine with that. Don't whinge about what you CAN change, that's my motto. I felt a little better about not being a hypocrite about this one thing (I do so hate active hypocracy...accidental is fine, we all do it, but active hypocracy is a different duck altogether) but this led me straight to another rather involved brain think: Did I truly feel that way, or am I subconsciously sabotaging myself away from success? THIS was what terrified me.

I'm so close to my short-term goal of being back in the 100's. That's a huge thing. It's a scary thing. It's an overwhelming thing. Once I'm well within the 100's, which will probably occur somewhere around 195lbs (a weight where no matter what I eat I'll never push myself over 200lbs), I'll never be able to let myself slip into the 200's again. It's the same thing with some people who are heavy in debt but refuse to cut up their credit cards: They're a symptom to be destroyed, not held on to 'just in case'. Fix the problem, stop keeping the back up there that will ultimately just mess you up agian in the future when your willpower fails, right? That's exactly what I'm worried about. Once I'm well within the 100's being anywhere near the 200's will cease to be acceptable...I'll lose my 'credit card in case of emergency'. My willpower will be tested constantly, I'll never be able to be weak, because once I cross the 100-threshold I'm cutting up my 200-credit card. Sorry for the analogies, but it's the only way I can think of to explain it! :(

If I'm 201 pounds and I go up to 210 pounds that is somehow more acceptable to my brain than being 191 pounds and going up to 200 pounds, even though it would be the exact same weight gain. It's the same thing I went through getting rid of my 'fat clothes' - the clothes that represented what I *was* rather than what I am now. I didn't want to - what if I failed? Did I not just buy those pants? Was that shirt not flattering still? Could I not make it work? Throwing away pieces of me...maybe that is it.

Getting back into the 100's, which I have not been in since 7th grade (13 years old), is throwing away pieces of me. It's throwing away the 200's as surely as I threw away the 300's, but the funny thing is: I don't remember going through this crisis when I was breaching into the 200's. Maybe it's because I hadn't been in the 300's for as long as I've ALWAYS been in the 200's. I'm terrified and I feel like crying, I know it's just a number and the scale is just a tool, but I feel sometimes like the burden of responsibility to get to, and stay in, the 100's is something I need a little more support for. I might be sabotaging myself just until I'm in a situation where I have that emotional support that my poor ol' heart craves.

The scale only shows a number: It doesn't show your worth. The scale DOES show a window into one's own psyche, personal responsibility, health, and self-control though....do I even have what it takes? Once I got over the euphoria of "only 1.7lbs to go!!!! I've done so well!!" I realized the doom-weight of "Oh my god, did I do this? Can I do this? Have I DONE this?" was looming just over my head, hanging from a single glittering thread...

Eggs out, because I just don't know how much longer I can type my heart out not knowing if anyone is sitting on the other end...

xx

Successful Apprehension

This morning I weighed in at 201.6lbs! I keep getting closer and closer, but 199 feels like it's just teasing me at this point. I understand fully that sooner or later I'll hit 199, and then sail past it. And when I'm down in the 160's, 150's, 140's I'll go back to this entry and read it to inspire me to hit the next 10-set goal. In the mean time, I'm so eager to achieve this short term goal I've assigned to myself that I'm quite beside myself with excitement. I made a post today on a social networking site that went something to the tune of "EeeeeeEEeeeEEeeeeeEeeeeeEEEEeeee! Only 1.7lbs to go!" Hehe. Excitement is okay,  I guess - more motivating than depression.

I'm going out to my Dad's this week and then coming back in to my mother's house for Tidal Bore Rafting discussed in yesterday's post. I'm hoping to actually get in the water and go swimming this week. That's a short term goal. Although I've actually been in the water I haven't gone swimming because I've been so busy keeping up with the baby that I haven't had the opportunity to get in and get wet by swimming a few laps. I know a couple of secluded beaches that we can use where no one else will be there, that have lots of shallow water (Blake refuses to go in deep at this point) so I might be able to go in just deep enough to swim and keep an eye on him at the same time if I can find him a baby lifejacket to wear for safety. I know just the beaches that we'll be going to - ones I haven't been to since I was a wee lass. It's been an age and I just can't wait to return.

Since I'm returning back to my Dad's house I know I'll be more busy with the children - physically speaking at least. Since it's out in the country you need to walk everywhere for your entertainment. On the same note I also find my eating habits are much more poor out at my Dad's house, but I can't figure out why.

Second Weekly Biggest Loser Challenge

Strong and ready to take on the world!

Unfortunately today I wasn't able to get hold of Bethan so I could get her measurements, but true to form I weighed myself! Sticking to my challenge is good, but this week I'm a bit disappointed. I understand I can't pull big numbers every week, but this week I only lost one pound for a grand total of 0.49% weight lost. I guess even the Biggest Losers have weeks of one pound weight loss, and since I don't have dedicated doctors, dieticians and personal trainers helping me I guess one pound in a week is pretty respectable afterall.

Tambourine Gals at CoHo!

I've been going out for lots of walks, lots of dancing (yesterday night I spent 2 hours straight shakin' my tailfeather on the dance floor) but Mother Nature had something else in store for me this week ;). So I guess next week we'll see how my increased physical activity impacts my numbers. I can taste 199lbs in my mouth, in my soul. I'm itching for it, so badly - only three pounds to go! I sweated myself silly at Reflections with Beth and Charlie, and did much more of a workout there than I did the night before at Company House because the music was a little more my speed with heavy bass, flashing lights, and a mob scene. I was in my element and it gave me such a soul-healing jolt of energy I couldn't have been happier!

Just before heading out to dance and hang out!

I'm excited for this weekend (hoping to goodness I can get a sitter sorted out)| because I'm going Tidal Bore Rafting ("Experience the adventure of a lifetime on the Shubenacadie River and see the Bay of Fundy tides in action, home of the world's highest tides." - You ride the world's highest tides in succession for about 10 trips. They go from nothing to 10 metres high! Wowza :D). Why is this such a big deal, you might ask? Because I've never been able to go out and do anything. Weight limits have kept me off fair rides, off horseback for years, off parasailing, off everything. I'm finally at a healthier weight and a whole world of physical activity and entertainment has been opened up to me! I'm just beside myself with excitement and cannot wait to take pictures to share with all of my favourite blog readers!

That is all for today,

Eggs out
xx

The E'er Winding Path To Success

tofu/g-pepper/tomato/spinach/chick peas/onion/etc

The winding path of success has its ups and downs, bumps and divets, and hills that seem impossible to climb. Trying to monitor where the dips happen and see if I can at least understand them, even if I can't prevent them. I've been keeping a journal of my morning weights and I had a really low dip (down to 203.4) and am now popped back up to 205.2. I know that is only 1.8lbs but I'm able to track my body and see why that is happening - which is exciting! Other months in the past I didn't understand why it was happening and it made me feel really upset - like clockwork, but now I have the power of knowledge.

The Ups:

• Much fitter, overall. Able to keep up with kids/friends/etc.
• Able to walk into any shop and find something I can fit into
• Less self-conscious about my body in public and in private
• Increased sense of accomplishment - I can meet any goal I set
• Clothes are cheaper to buy in standard sizes
• Confidence that I am able to positively change my life/mindset
• Living my life the best I can and hoping to inspire others positively
• Setting a positive example to my children about hard work and good health
• No longer lugging around a petite adult woman and putting that strain on heart/joints/skeleton.
• Have been able to stand at full height of 5'3", improved posture
• My foot/arch used to be squished to a wide size, I am now standard width/healthy arch.

Diet friendly brown rice pasta, salt free homemade sauce and veg 

The Downs

• Constantly having to buy/replace clothes I've shrunk out of
• Unable to enjoy the same meals as family due to dietary restrictions.
• Food costs more, even if it is an investment in good health.
• The assumption my diet and exercise is unhealthy because it is successful* for me.
• The general assumption I never get to indulge, have fun, or enjoy good eats

Remembering to blog often has been theraputic for me, in many ways. It gives me time to sit and give active thought and attention to my weightloss. The dedication to blogging is something that I'll love at the end of my journey - I plan on getting a book printed of my blogging chronicles so I'll have a momento and a reminder of what NOT to allow myself to go back to. My trials and errors, my successes. It's been an amazing adventure so far.

*I've found that some people are skeptical about my success. They assume I must be doing something extreme in order to be able to be successful. From eating disorders, to excessive exercise - I've heard it all. I think this has something to do with the fact that others perhaps feel that because nothing has worked for them that no one else should be able to be successful? I don't think that is a nice mindset to have - I wish to encounter more people that feel because I've done it that they can too! I think it is unfair for us to push our own experiences/failures on others and assume that because we have failed, that others will fail as well. A part of the human condition, I guess? :)

Eggs out.
xx

100% More Blogtastic!

Today I'm having a high-powered high-protein breakfast. Oranges and a plate of scrambled egg whites with tofu, black peppercorns, onion and mushroom. I've been failing to eat in the mornings lately and that obviously isn't very good for me! I'm also thinking that I'm really starting to feel the stress I'm under lately, which also isn't very good for me. Last night I gave in completely to weakness (there's more to the story) and had myself a little snack. Granted what I snacked on wasn't awful, but the fact I was eating mindlessly was. I think I've learned a little something about myself, and habits I still have not successfully broken.

Is it a weakness in me I need to squash - or should I accept it and indulge it from time to time? I can never quite tell where I should stand on the whole matter. On one hand I find having a week where I eat all the fat and calories I want actually fuels my weightloss by effing up my metabolism. Changing the source of calories so that when I cut out animal protein/fat/processed carbs my body knows straight where to go for energy and starts attacking any store fat I have. On the other hand I'm not changing my mental  approach to food. By indulging in whatever I want, whenever I want, I'm simply sticking to the same old habits that got me into my weight mess in the first place - I've just reduced it to 1/4 of the time when I used to do it all the time.

It's really and truly difficult for me to determine which is in my best interests because each option. Indulging for a week and doing what I like helps me physically - I drop weight. Not indulging for a week helps me mentally - I can actualize/realize change in my habits. Any readers have any input? Maybe I can stick with this method until it stops working, and then start working on the mental aspects closer to goal weight? So confusing!

Anyway I had a wonderful day at the beach with Bethan&co. I have to say I've found such a source of calm in her! I've been getting frazzled more and more easily lately what with being the sole caregiver for two small children that want to get into everything they can. It's hard to be on top of kids in someone else's house where you can't trust them to do anything on their own lest they break something, or disappear, or smash their toys into the table. Eek! Well the beach was fun. After the children decided to stop being little terrors and I was able to center myself and breathe a little we actually had a pretty good day! I poked Bethan into running with me the length of the beach from one end, to about the middle. All in all I'd say it was 250 meters (about 820 feet) long and I was able to complete the first 200 meters in a flat-out run barefoot in the sand without issue, and only started to find myself getting winded after having run the beach several times already. I felt *great* running..I should lace up and find some time to run/jog/power walk again soon.

I guess the end-cap to this post is that yesterday we both weighed in, one week after getting back on E2L solidly. I dropped 2.68% of my body weight in the week, and Beth dropped 2.22%! Those are amazing figures, she even lost a half inch off her waist. I'm so proud :3 It's like my ickle E2L bebe is growing up and doing everything all on her own. Keep up the good work Bethamo..and I'll try to do the same :)

Eggs out

xx

The Daily Blog Up

I've been in a whirlwind of emotions lately. I'm dealing with a lot of things on my plate, seemingly all at once. I've been sitting down and sorting out my priorities, making a pie chart of what is most important to me. It's not a perfect pie chart, but it's a medley pie made up with family/weight-loss/spirituality-personal awareness/friendships right now. It's nice to finally sit and be able to say "There are my priorities, and this is the order." Not to say my friendships are least important and that I'll change the way I interact with friends, it's just that in order to be the best friend I can be I need to figure myself and my body out. Supporting other people, or at least a bunch of other people, can be exhausting emotionally and my plate has so many 'extras' on it right now. I have my priority pie with too many extra nibbles on the side. Sorry for the horribly cheesy comparison of my life to a pie. Wait..cheesy pie? This sounds like a good idea ;)

I was 204.6 lbs this morning. Only need to lose 4.7 pounds to have met a goal set for August 18, 2011: "To be, or have at least seen, 199 lbs on the scale by next weigh in".

Today pick up my kiddo from camp and I see some family I have not seen in quite a few years. I hope to find this weekend to be emotionally and spiritually renewing as I need to take a break from the Blog Up Challenge to pursue my mental health. I hope Bethan understands (I explained to her recently that my downswing was coming so hopefully this makes more sense to her). I will see Betha hopefully on Saturday when I get my tattoo and again on Sunday for our Weekly % (excited) but she's one of the only people I can imagine seeing right now with all that is going on in my poor little world of not enough understanding :)

I will be well. I always am. I haven't been pity eating (although I have been eating markedly more) junk food even though I've really just wanted nothing more but to tuck into a big bag of crunchy goodies. Perhaps some apple chips will cure my crunchy cravings, better than Ringolo's anyway ;)

Eggs is on a soul searching adventure.
xx

It's the stress that'll kill ya...

This morning I was 206.8 on the scale which is good, but I realized as but good as I'm doing for my health losing weight I'm undoing right now by smoking. I'm not normally a smoker, I had quit for a long time but I didn't realized how stressed I was getting up here with two kids all by myself. I think I was in denial about it for a long time but I'm starting to be 'done' with doing all the child minding on my own and that stress is starting to take a toll.

So I bought my second pack of smokes today and this will be my last pack. I need to just stop - I know that. So that's the next thing on my 'list of things to tackle for my health. I don't think I'm addicted actively, but whenever I get really stressed out I tend to want to smoke. I think being able to have the cigarette and have that break is somehow seen as beneficial. But I know it isn't.

5-Bean and Chili soup made 7/13/2011

Today we spent the day at the mall (my son and I) and I ate a yummy Subway salad (no cheese, no dressing, just veg!) for lunch. My stomach is starting to rebel against me but I can't understand what I've done to make that happen. While I was out I bought some pilates tension elastic exercise things so hopefully I can get a bit of a work out occuring at home. On that note I'm nervous that I'm underperforming, I'm just not doing enough, I'm falling behind. Bethan and I are going a "Biggest Loser" style weigh in on Sundays where we'll calculate the percentage of weight lost and will have a little healthy competition with that. I know I honestly have no hope of holding a candle to her success since she's just starting and her first few weigh ins will be epic because she's losing all the water she has retained eating salt etc....BUT...I still wanna do my best.

So. Time to get on healthy activity and get OFF unhealthy smoking. That is my goal and introspection for the day. Last pack, last day not doing some form of exercise. My poor body will start hating me if I don't.

Eggs out.

My daily inspiration

Biggest Loser - A reality show in which overweight contestants are put to the test and have to fight to maintain their place on the show by being the biggest loser each weekly weigh in. I know some people thinking turning weightloss into a reality show is damaging but I think it's wonderful. I think turning your health and weight into priority number one, getting rid of life distractions, learning how to fuel your body properly, having a trainer showing you daily how to exercise properly, and having a constant competition to keep you going and motivated is simply brilliant.

 

So, meet Mark Lewis, a 2009 contestant on UK's "Biggest Loser". Of all the contestants he resonates with me the very most. Here's why: 1) Everyone judges him harshly because they think he thinks he's top dog, that he's cocky when the reality is that he's just trying to prove to himself that he has worth. The truth is simply that he's dedicated. 2) He hides low self-esteem and low confidence behind a rather complicated mask of outgoing behaviourisms. 3) He's unfairly judged by other people for behaviours they don't understand, like honesty and not having 'an angle' or wanting something. 4) He doesn't half-arse anything. 5) He's competative. Having someone on his heels trying to catch up inspires him to push harder, better, and more.

I frequently feel misunderstood by people who don't "get" me. I understand that my bi-polar disorder does affect my life in that it takes a very special personality type that understands mental illness to be able to keep up and process 'me' when I'm especially up, or especially down. It takes true dedication and love from friends to be able to understand that sometimes I do things they don't see the sense of BUT always work out in the end. I'm not an 'in the box' kind of thinker - I dance on the very ledge of the tallest building I can find. That rush is what invigorates me and inspires me to do more.

I know that because of how I approach life I will likely lose half as many friends in my time as I make. Not everyone can dance the dance I do. I give as much respect and love as I am physically capable of, but when people have it in their minds that I have an angle (which I never do) all of my positives turn into negatives. In this I feel so much like Mark Lewis and I find him carrying on, despite the bullshit other people throw at him because they have a problem, to be simply wonderful! So often people forget that everyone is fighting a battle. A little bit of empathy goes a long way!

I've had many relationships (friend, romantic, and other, since about 14 years of age) turn sour so I always worry that people will leave as quickly as they've come. However, through careful introspection I've realized: I can't apologize for being me, and I can't apologize for having my own way of looking at the world (head a little bit tilted, rose tinted glasses perched on my nose, a kaleidoscope of magic to my eye, a thrist for knowledge, true happiness in my heart and dancing to the beat of my own drum). I have no angle, I have no agenda, I have only beautiful me. Love it or leave it, I am whatever I say I am. Mark Lewis has inspired me, from a course of actions he undertook 2 years ago!

And THAT, my friends, is exactly why I blog. Mark Lewis did something to help himself, and in the process he touched *my* life. Even if I'm the only one that he affected (which I'm quite sure I'm not) that is still one life he's brought a bit of clarity to. This is why I blog: If only one person can have clairty brought to their life because of the honesty in which I put myself out there then all of my pains and struggles will have been worth it. This is why we share stories and experiences, this is why we are communal animals, this is why we dream! I'm feeling positively brilliant.

A friend told me yesterday one of the nicest things I've ever heard, and had never expected. She said this, "Yeah. but funny thing is when I feel like pigging out on junk (which I don't really keep around) I think about you and your blog [...] Watching you be so dedicated through the ups and downs and being SO honest about it has made me feel like I can make better choices and find a few extra minutes here and there too."  So I spent the rest of the day so monumentally appreciative for all of the blessings I have and SO thankful I decided to start my blog! I only started a blog because Bethan had started a blog (albeit on a different topic) and thought it might be fun. I never thought I'd gather up almost 1200 page views, a handful of dedicated supporters, and readers from all over the world. People saying to me, "I was talking to my friend recently about you and everything you've done, we think it's amazing" - It makes me smile. This blogging thing has been worth it. Being ME has been worth it. I would never change it, if even I could. I will only ever keep learning, keep practising what works, and forgiving myself for what doesn't. I will carry on trying to minimize ego, boosting self esteem/confidence and continuing along my own spiritual journey.

Today I am blessed for having realized all of these self-truths. Every day I learn something new, or at the very least get on the path to learning something new. Life is so fresh and full of discovery that even days I'm feeling sad can't stand in the way of the lightbulb switching on. This trip to Canada has been exactly what my soul needed to find the right path again.

I leave you all with a quote, "All I'm doing every week is doing every week is giving it everything I've got. I've made promises to people that they'll be proud of me and I want to be proud of myself. I put a front on that I'm this confident person and when I meet someone that's great. And then you think to yourself "why are they going to like me when they realize that's false and they see the real me that has no confidence and low self-esteem" - Mark, Biggest Loser UK 2009.

Eggs out

xx



"The dreams of my future were gone" - Biggest Loser UK

I'm watching the Biggest Loser UK has brought up a few questions in my mind. Firstly, they talk a lot about changing your mindset for successful weight loss. So I started thinking about this, what do *I* think it takes mentally to lose weight? You need to be truly ready to change. You need to not think that achieving your goal is a naive dream because it's never worked before. You need to pace yourself and know that nothing happens overnight, and that ups and downs will happen. Ultimately though I think, for sure, one needs to have not given up before they've even started. By that I mean this: You need to come at it with a smile and a knowledge that because you're ready, you WILL succeed. There is no 50% in getting healthy, it's 100% or nothing. If it's any less than 100% you've already failed.

<>   

Homemade lentil dish with tomato, carrot, potato, and more!

With that said, if you're only at 80% and have a friend to help you learn to motivate the last 20% until you've finally seen enough results to believe it for yourself that'll do too. One just needs to stick with it, find the time, find the resources and MAKE it work. Find the support, find the help, and just rock it out. That's what I think it takes, mentally speaking, to lose weight.

Now, with that all said I think I'm starting to lack support. I was talking to Bethan, my E2L buddy, about my fears of her leaving after so soon starting up. I talked out a few things, and I decided to copy and paste this over because it is so genuinely me:

"I've done so much weightloss and I get support and kind comments here and there, but I've done 95% of it all on my own..even begging for support when I was ready to quit, in tears properly begging, because Robert would rather watch telly than get in my face and scream at me to carry on. It's so tiring always being on your own. The games I play... it's almost like I set up someone to fight against so I can pretend I'm not alone. A goal to see who wins: Lazy me, or Healthy me."

I feel so lonely sometimes, and so fulfilled at others. It's hard to be fighting a battle by yourself and always alone climbing uphill both ways to the end goal. 135 pounds is my end goal. I'm coming for it. I will achieve it. I just need to always believe it.

Eggs out.

xx

Vanishing Into...

I'm actually having a really wonderful and reenergized take on my life right now. I've been reading back through some of my older blog entries and I see the pattern I always go through so I'm feeling a little more at peace with everything. After my weigh-in my weight poofed up to 212.2 yesterday. Today I'm back down to 210. I have 11 pounds to lose by this time next month and as a decision to ensure I reach that goal I'm going E2L 100% right along with Bethan!

Lunch today: Brussels sprouts, sprouts, onion, swiss chard, etc

It's hard to lose weight when you're outside of your regular environment, but whilst talking to my husband I said something rather obvious to most but it was nice to finally 'realize' it and believe it. I had said that, "other people helped me make the decision [healthy choices] but in the end it was me who stuck to it" and while I appreciate everything that other people have done for me, in the end it was me making the magic happen. It's illuminating for me to have finally realized this! I think this one litlte nugget is all I have to write about in this blog entry because it's such a huge thing to realize "I'm doing this with help, but in the end it's me being the driving force. I'm doing this with help, but for myself."..

Action Oriented Goal: Walk at least 30 minutes per day. Inverted sit ups x100. Push ups 20.

Passive Oriented Goal: Eat to Live 100%

End goal: (July 8) Get a successful weigh in of any number under 199lbs, maximum 202.6lbs.

Simply amazing day today <3

For the Love of a Friend

I had a brilliant day today outside in the bright sunshiney sunshine! I spent the day with Bethan, Luke and the kids. Dropped Elysia off at camp for the week and then Blake, Bethan, Luke and I went to Dollar Lake! I wanted to get some serious laps in but it was simply too chilly to be tolerated..I thought my misc body bits would freeze off.

The day before last the kids and I did downtown Halifax. One of the physical highlights of the day was climbing up the extreme hill of Citadel Hill (at least 45 degree upward incline for half of it, maybe 30 for the other half) whilst pushing Blake in the stroller. I've been trying hard to get out and do more. I really, really and truly want to see 199 on the scale this time next month!

Having Bethamo in my corner and helping me get re-energized and re-excited about Eat to Live and all that it has done for me has been amazing. Tonight I passed over on Fish and Chips (with poutine instead of chips) because I knew it's better to start today and why should I be eating all kinds of fun rubbishy food when she really needs the support? I know her husband isn't joining her on E2L for the first 6 weeks, while I had the benefit of my husband giving it a go. That support (just doing it with me) was critical for me because I didn't have anyone to ask questions to. My husband and I kind of figured it out together. At the end of the first 6 weeks he was done with it, but I had learned enough to carry on. So even though her husband isn't doing it with her, I endeavour to become a second-best stand-in E2L husband! XD 

Tonight's supper was a tribute to a veggie garden. Mushrooms in three varities, sprouts, red onion, black olives, hot house tomatoes, tofu, baby corns, green beans, peas, all the good stuff! It made me feel good to eat it, even though I put a bit of watered down BBQ sauce on it...tut tut, bad I know. But this is my last hurrah before I'm 100% back on track tomorrow so it is forgiveable.

I've issued a DAILY BLOG UP! challenge to Bethan. Each day for a week we shall write a blog entry. Each day we shall do a workout routine as well. My goal is 30 minutes of activity per day, at least. Not just activity, but concerted 'doing this to not be fat' activity. Climbing hills, lifting weights, doing sit ups, running and then hopefully walking a few miles over the course of the day.

My life is exciting again. Losing weight hasn't felt this SQUEE! in a long time!

Eggs out

xx

Chasing Down the Bandwagon

Gluten & cheese free pizza with tomato/mushroom/spinach

I've been spending a lot of time with Bethan lately. You might remember her from my very first blog post ever: "Every day is the first day of your very own adventure - if you want it to be" as she's one of the people I attribute a good deal of how successful I've been to. through her own blogging efforts she helped me realize that being fat and fabulous weren't mutually exclusive like I had thought they were for years and years. One of my most favourite things to do now that I'm in Halifax (where Bethan lives) is thrift shopping (as a side note it is AMAZING to walk into any non-plus size only store out there and know I can find something that will actually fit me) because it's been great to spend time with her and shopping is a guilty pleasure of mine.



Me and Beffa!

Well, today I got the GREATEST EVER NEWS that Bethamo will be joining me on E2L! Today and yesterday I've been kind of eating whatever I wanted to as a little reward for having been so good for so long. I'm really quite happy and know she'll be on the healthy track for 6 weeks while she figures things out. It's wonderful news!

I'm happy to have a buddy on the journey. It takes a lot of strength and dedicated to stick on the road to health..I wonder if she'll stay long? I guess only time will tell ^^

Eggs Out

xx

Mystical Magical July Madness Mayhem Weigh-In

I've trimmed out in my bottom half!

I give room for error in my self measurements for this month's weigh-in. Not only did I have to tape myself, but I also had to rely on a new scale that isn't my usual as well. Since I'm in Canada and since Curves is no longer in the picture (never went enough to justify the cost) I guess I need to buy all the implements to monitor my success at home! :) I was seriously worried this month what with all the stress and the fact I'm technically on vacation (even if it is a vacation in pursuit of mental and emotional happiness to compliment my journey of physical achievements!)

Learning healthy habits early!

Since I'm also not on my home computer I'm not able to upload my measurements graph, however I can put it a comparison from this month to last. It's pretty exciting..I seem to have some big losses, an inch or so, but it's all on track with my current weight loss trend so I don't think my particular measurements are too far off.

• Bust June: 44.0", Bust July: 43.0" (1.0" loss)
• Waist June: 34.5", Bust July: 33.5" (1.0" loss)
• Abdomen June: 47.5", Bust July: 44.75" (2.75" loss)
• Hips June: 47.0", Bust July: 44.75" (2.25" loss)
• Thigh June: 28.0", Thigh July: 27.0" (1.0" loss)
• Arm June: 13.5", Arm July: 13.5" (No change)
• BMI June: 37.8, BMI July: 37.0 (0.8 loss)
• BP/Body Fat %: No Data (Unable to record)
• TOTAL POUNDS LOST: 4.2lbs  TOTAL INCHES LOST: 8.0"

Beach Mugshot! Taken by Beffa

 I didn't quite make the goal of 208.0, even though I had been that on the scale. I guess weight fluctuations are perfectly normal though, and it's only one pound. I'm sure all the diet soda yesterday didn't help my weight loss cause. Still hoping for a 199 this time next month..which means I need to redouble my efforts and really get myself back on track.

Going to attempt to find a weekly group that meets for some kind of physical activity. Bellydance is #1 choice right now, but failing finding a reliable group I'll just join a gym for a month rather than paying a contract. This all requires ample help from friends and family to babysit the kids though...being healthy isn't always the cheapest or easiest thing in the world, but using those as excuses will only doom one to failure from the beginning.

Back to the grindstone!
Eggs out xx

It's been a while..

FIGURING THINGS OUT

I made a few goals in my last blog post that I haven't been able to meet because my trip to Canada got moved up by almost a month. I was exceedingly worried coming here, especially with my decision-making skills being so compromised. Stress eating started to take over, and even though I was stress eating the heck out of fruit and veggies I knew it'd only be a matter of time until I turned to stress eating the foods that gave a bigger emotional payoff.

Stress is something that always has done me in in the past. Being hit with toxic elements in my life (decisions, choices, health impacts), and the lack of ability to know how to remove it (or lack of willingness) had started me on a downward spiral. I wonder how much of that was mental because it is strange how coincidental the stress/Canada happened. Was I looking for a reason? An excuse to do poorly? I saw some pictures of myself and realized I'm so close. I weighed in at 208.0 this morning with two days until my official weigh in. I expect to see some gained inches from lack of running/weight equipment (and two hindrances to working out) but am hoping it is nothing too serious.

I know I've worked hard. Very hard. I know I need to keep going. I've lost a total of 123.0 pounds, and only have another 73 pounds to go. In the scheme of things that is nothing if I can get myself back to where I need to be. I've gone out every single day with the children for walks, swimming, exploring the city or farms or museums. Lots of fresh air, sunshine (with sunscreen and a hat - go me!) and have been recently making the best decisions available to me rather than the easiest decisions that were also the tastiest. Fish and chips, chips, chocolate bars, poutine, pizza, fries. No bueno!

Back on track. Keep going, Self. Keep going. Can't stop this close to the end game, it'd be such a shame on my name to have started such a great adventure and pooped out only halfway there. On Facebook I made the following post: "Has ideas and goals for things she wants to accomplish. First up is a weight goal, an emotional goal, a spiritual goal and a creative goal. Now to figure out exactly what they are! ^^", so let's discuss those goals here!

1. Weight Goal (short-term): I want to be 208.0 at most on 7/8/2011. I can't predict how my exercise will have affect my taping so I don't have any goals there. I'll just play it by ear and see where I am rather than setting up anything too unrealistic. For 8/8/2011's official weigh in I'd like to be 199 pounds - or if failing that, at least have seen 199.0 on the scale, even if I can't get that on the scale for weigh in day.

2. Emotional Goal: Believe I'm worth it. Do something with other people as a reward for my hard work rather than constantly berating myself for 'what more' I could have, or should have, done. Believe in me. I'm currently planning a Girl's Day Out with some friends for a manicure and a meal, so I think that would fit the bill nicely. 

3. Spiritual Goal: By this time next month I'd like to pick one thing that would fulfill me spiritually. One action, one choice, one decision. Joining a group for fellowship, engaging in a formal class, getting Reiki 1 certified? I need to really think this out and think my loving husband might be able to help me on this one. I want to get a tattoo of ॐ (OM/AUM) on my inner wrist. I'm iffy on whether I want the left or the right, but I'm sure that will be a last minute decision. I'm leaning toward left. I want something to be able to look at forever and have that as a symbol of centering and peace.

4. Creative Goal: Paint something. Even if it's a stint to the Clay Cafe to paint a mug. I want to put my hand into the creation of something that I can be proud of. I tried before leaving for Canada by picking up my old charcoal but I'm so heinously out of practice it looked kind of ...not good. but it was fun to do and very good for my headspace :)

Well..I guess that's all for now, at least for two days until official weigh-in day! Eep! ...hopefully my efforts will have paid off :)