Today's entry are various writings taken from a memory box uncovered at my Father's house from when I was fourteen years old. How unfortunate to be so confused and alone because I was suffering with the onset of Bi-Polar disorder and because no one understood it I was ostracised for it. I've been asked before "what was so wrong" - Well here is a small taste of what it is like to have an undiagnosed mental condition where not one single person seems to reach out, and if they did they pulled back because they didn't understand. Even doctors, therapists, counsellors. That gave me huge trust issues. It broke my heart a little to read my old diary, and dig up my old feelings about who I am, and how my self-esteem regarding my weight (on top of everything else) impacted me ultimately gaining up to over 300 pounds! Be kind whenever you can...you never know what the person on the receiving end of your words has been through :)
November 21, 1999
I picked up my belongings and made my way to the train that was not there. I fixed my hair with a brush I could not touch. I filled my stomach with food I could not eat. I breathed the air that disappears. I died a death that did not happen. I lived a dream that no one had.
November 22, 1999
"I am fat. I hate myself. I have to lose a lot of weight. I can't wait for that day. I'm not pretty enough for him, or for any other guy come to think of it. If the day ever comes a celebration is in order. But it never will. I'm too weak. I tried and wanted to die, what does that say about a person? I'm not good enough for him, but I will be someday. It might be hard, but hard work usually pays off and I'll be better if I do it too. [Goal] is in 2 months. That's....two months hardly eating - I can do that! Exercise and barely any food, but enough to keep me going...no...no food at all. Well a little bit, a teensy bit. TEENSY. That is doable." - My birthday...
November 23, 1999
"I guess it's another 'happy' day in school. I use you [diary] as a best friend. I need your confidence and friendship. My self esteem is slowly depleting. I can't eat, or sleep - what a wonderful birthday present, huh? I really want the courage to face my demons. I feel excluded in life, everyone works around me. I'm always (nicely) brushed off, feelings of seperation and unwantedness are plaguing me wherever I go. I need someone to confide in, that I can speak to about my problems. Life is stupid. It gives you exactly what you don't want and when it finds out you hate it, it pushes it into you so hard that it grows on you, then it moves to your soul before finally enveloping it. It does horrible things to your mind, it creates hourglass images and that's all you ever see. Death, destruction and hatred. Talk, don't listen, very bad. Listen, stop speaking. Lead the men of your mind to battle. The MPB will commence. Purge the dove as the war forwards, the sky will drop. The sky has dropped."
November 24, 1999
"These things I am about to write down are from my old diary, but I'll write them here so when I'm at school I can remember them and work on becoming a better person. Here goes:
A smile that calms, a light in my heart, to be happy and forgiving, to be sacrificing for my friends, to be modest and unhypocritical, to think about (not worry about) what people think of me, to be empathic, quiet, caring, loving, peaceable, instinctive, passionate. To give, and receive love back. I guess that's what everyone wants, right?..."
December 1, 1999
"One hundred thousand apologies. No excuse I have is good enough to speak for not writing. I've lost track of time so I don't have a date. There was a snowstorm today so I didn't go to school. Biased opinions suck, so do lies and so does the hard truth. The truth makes you realize what you once thought was perfect is seemingly flawed. I've never found anybody nice enough that didn't have flaws like lying or hatred of others. When life falls down around you, what do you do? Pull it up, step away from it, or continue on your path with it around your ankles. The first is hard, the second is the easy way, and the third is pointless. The only option left is death but killing yourself means you belong to a fool's paradise. A paradise lacking all you once had. I notice those best off complain the most and those in the gutters make the best of what they have. But what can you do if you're neither well-off, nor misfortunate? Trudge along life's path not knowing what is going to happen next. These memories, these writings in this diary will be read by me in the future if I succeed in not losing this precious diary. I hope I never do..."
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