So, meet Mark Lewis, a 2009 contestant on UK's "Biggest Loser". Of all the contestants he resonates with me the very most. Here's why: 1) Everyone judges him harshly because they think he thinks he's top dog, that he's cocky when the reality is that he's just trying to prove to himself that he has worth. The truth is simply that he's dedicated. 2) He hides low self-esteem and low confidence behind a rather complicated mask of outgoing behaviourisms. 3) He's unfairly judged by other people for behaviours they don't understand, like honesty and not having 'an angle' or wanting something. 4) He doesn't half-arse anything. 5) He's competative. Having someone on his heels trying to catch up inspires him to push harder, better, and more. I frequently feel misunderstood by people who don't "get" me. I understand that my bi-polar disorder does affect my life in that it takes a very special personality type that understands mental illness to be able to keep up and process 'me' when I'm especially up, or especially down. It takes true dedication and love from friends to be able to understand that sometimes I do things they don't see the sense of BUT always work out in the end. I'm not an 'in the box' kind of thinker - I dance on the very ledge of the tallest building I can find. That rush is what invigorates me and inspires me to do more.
I know that because of how I approach life I will likely lose half as many friends in my time as I make. Not everyone can dance the dance I do. I give as much respect and love as I am physically capable of, but when people have it in their minds that I have an angle (which I never do) all of my positives turn into negatives. In this I feel so much like Mark Lewis and I find him carrying on, despite the bullshit other people throw at him because they have a problem, to be simply wonderful! So often people forget that everyone is fighting a battle. A little bit of empathy goes a long way!
I've had many relationships (friend, romantic, and other, since about 14 years of age) turn sour so I always worry that people will leave as quickly as they've come. However, through careful introspection I've realized: I can't apologize for being me, and I can't apologize for having my own way of looking at the world (head a little bit tilted, rose tinted glasses perched on my nose, a kaleidoscope of magic to my eye, a thrist for knowledge, true happiness in my heart and dancing to the beat of my own drum). I have no angle, I have no agenda, I have only beautiful me. Love it or leave it, I am whatever I say I am. Mark Lewis has inspired me, from a course of actions he undertook 2 years ago!
And THAT, my friends, is exactly why I blog. Mark Lewis did something to help himself, and in the process he touched *my* life. Even if I'm the only one that he affected (which I'm quite sure I'm not) that is still one life he's brought a bit of clarity to. This is why I blog: If only one person can have clairty brought to their life because of the honesty in which I put myself out there then all of my pains and struggles will have been worth it. This is why we share stories and experiences, this is why we are communal animals, this is why we dream! I'm feeling positively brilliant.
A friend told me yesterday one of the nicest things I've ever heard, and had never expected. She said this, "Yeah. but funny thing is when I feel like pigging out on junk (which I don't really keep around) I think about you and your blog [...] Watching you be so dedicated through the ups and downs and being SO honest about it has made me feel like I can make better choices and find a few extra minutes here and there too." So I spent the rest of the day so monumentally appreciative for all of the blessings I have and SO thankful I decided to start my blog! I only started a blog because Bethan had started a blog (albeit on a different topic) and thought it might be fun. I never thought I'd gather up almost 1200 page views, a handful of dedicated supporters, and readers from all over the world. People saying to me, "I was talking to my friend recently about you and everything you've done, we think it's amazing" - It makes me smile. This blogging thing has been worth it. Being ME has been worth it. I would never change it, if even I could. I will only ever keep learning, keep practising what works, and forgiving myself for what doesn't. I will carry on trying to minimize ego, boosting self esteem/confidence and continuing along my own spiritual journey.
Today I am blessed for having realized all of these self-truths. Every day I learn something new, or at the very least get on the path to learning something new. Life is so fresh and full of discovery that even days I'm feeling sad can't stand in the way of the lightbulb switching on. This trip to Canada has been exactly what my soul needed to find the right path again.
I leave you all with a quote, "All I'm doing every week is doing every week is giving it everything I've got. I've made promises to people that they'll be proud of me and I want to be proud of myself. I put a front on that I'm this confident person and when I meet someone that's great. And then you think to yourself "why are they going to like me when they realize that's false and they see the real me that has no confidence and low self-esteem" - Mark, Biggest Loser UK 2009.
Eggs out
xx
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