Ashamed, or Accepting? Warpaint on.

 

Still Height/Weight proportionate. Old Pic from my Dad's.

I've been having such a tough week, and as much as my husband is amazing to talk to sometimes I feel like he simply doesn't 'understand' me. I've lost a whole human being, I've struggled my whole life with feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy. I've fought against every social convention I've ever seen, or been taught, to finally find some measure of peace and acceptance with myself and now I'm completely frozen with fear. This goes back to the entry I made the day before yesterday, I was hoping that time would cure the fear but it hasn't. Actually it's gotten worse.

I was supposed to be doing Eat to Live with Bethan, for moral support I suppose, but I've been feeling so terrified and discouraged that I've been undoing all my hard work for the sake of not having to face the 100's. I've been eating poorly, not doing as much physical activity as I should like, and feeling very down.

If I end up becoming everything I ever wanted to be and I don't suddenly find happiness what does that say about the years and years I've spent suffering and pining. What if I don't end up feeling any better. What if it is all a sham? I'm having a 'mid-life' weight loss crisis right now. I'm one step away from going out, finding a wife 30 years my junior and buying a sexy, sporty convertible Mustang.

I don't know where my weight is right now. I can't face the scale. What if it says something good? I've never in my entire life been afraid of the scale! I don't know what to do with myself. I'll be disappointed with my dumb choices if I've gained weight. I'll be disappointed with my dumb choices if I've lost weight. I'll be disappointed with myself if I maintain weight. What a curious situation to be in, because the solution seems so...difficult?

Soti's old 6th Form jumper

Robert gave a rather good suggestion about continuing to eat well and exercise and just not losing the scale, but I know when things are fitting and when I'm losing weight. I tried on my ex-husband's old school jumper (pullover, sweater, whatever you should like to call it) and it's really quite loose. It's a UK Large, which is a US Medium. I'm in a US Medium and it's hanging off of me. How long before I'm thin like I've always wanted, and then I suddenly have no clue what to do with myself? What  small world problems I have, "Oh woe is me, I'm successful. I have an amazing husband and amazing children, and we can pay all of our bills, and we can afford grand vacations, and I'm losing weight, and I'm really quite happy and my stress level is actually quite low - WAHHHH". Time to suck it up, I know...I'll get back on track this weekend and force myself on the scale. Fear be damned, I didn't get this far in life by letting anything but my own intuition rule me.

Eggs out. Warpaint on.

xx