I'm at my Father's house this week, visiting and spending time. It's hard to believe that I only have twenty days left here in Canada. I feel like I still have so much more to do, to accomplish, to think about. There might be just enough time to have accomplished all of the physical things I had intended to do here (things to do, people to see) but I feel anxious whenever I think of leaving because I feel this horrible gut-wrenching fear of having not completely 'topped off my tank', emotionally speaking. Twenty days left; Time to start pushing to make the very most of them, but that will be hard - I'm confused and hurting.Coming to Canada was somewhat worrying before leaving . I remember being concerned about coming here and gaining weight because...let's face it, I always have before. Looking back though I've lost about ten pounds since being here, over the course of about five weeks so far. I've been diven and motivated, but at the same time also making time to try some of my favourite foods and favourite dishes so I don't feel denied.
I've been being a very good girl lately, and whilst talking to my husband I discovered yet another thing about myself (surprise, surprise). My weight always goes down, sooner or later so I have stopped placing as much importance on the scale as I once did. To me, the scale is a way of measuring my progress and detecting problems within my daily diet that I might have no other way of detecting (like the inflammation, bloating and weight gain after eating gluten, for example). I view the scale as a tool, not as a friend or an enemy. I made a post a while back trying to figure out exactly how I felt about it and think I finally have the scale in a 'healthy' place in my mind. Scale does NOT equal self worth, and for a while there I'm ashamed to admit that it did.
What gets me now (and what ultimately lead to me thinking about that which has terrified me) is that when I see the numbers going up and can eliminate mother nature as the culprit I know I'm doing something wrong - this isn't terrifying though, not yet. I can isolate what my failings are, what I've been doing wrong, and I can FIX it. Sometimes I get trapped by circumstance when it comes to exercise or food intake, and being in that circumstance is ultimately my fault because I chose not to plan better. It angers me sometimes when people who are 'trying to lose weight' will find a million and one excuses to not eat properly and so I considered that strongly, worried I might have been a hypocrite and needed to cut myself (another others) some slack. After taking some serious brain-think time I realized that if I had honestly had another option I would have chosen the other option and that no, I did not need to cut anyone slack if they didn't plan better or were just being lazy. I deserved every pound that poor choice packed on me. I'm a hardass, but it's gotten me to where I am, so I am fine with that. Don't whinge about what you CAN change, that's my motto. I felt a little better about not being a hypocrite about this one thing (I do so hate active hypocracy...accidental is fine, we all do it, but active hypocracy is a different duck altogether) but this led me straight to another rather involved brain think: Did I truly feel that way, or am I subconsciously sabotaging myself away from success? THIS was what terrified me.
I'm so close to my short-term goal of being back in the 100's. That's a huge thing. It's a scary thing. It's an overwhelming thing. Once I'm well within the 100's, which will probably occur somewhere around 195lbs (a weight where no matter what I eat I'll never push myself over 200lbs), I'll never be able to let myself slip into the 200's again. It's the same thing with some people who are heavy in debt but refuse to cut up their credit cards: They're a symptom to be destroyed, not held on to 'just in case'. Fix the problem, stop keeping the back up there that will ultimately just mess you up agian in the future when your willpower fails, right? That's exactly what I'm worried about. Once I'm well within the 100's being anywhere near the 200's will cease to be acceptable...I'll lose my 'credit card in case of emergency'. My willpower will be tested constantly, I'll never be able to be weak, because once I cross the 100-threshold I'm cutting up my 200-credit card. Sorry for the analogies, but it's the only way I can think of to explain it! :(
If I'm 201 pounds and I go up to 210 pounds that is somehow more acceptable to my brain than being 191 pounds and going up to 200 pounds, even though it would be the exact same weight gain. It's the same thing I went through getting rid of my 'fat clothes' - the clothes that represented what I *was* rather than what I am now. I didn't want to - what if I failed? Did I not just buy those pants? Was that shirt not flattering still? Could I not make it work? Throwing away pieces of me...maybe that is it.
Getting back into the 100's, which I have not been in since 7th grade (13 years old), is throwing away pieces of me. It's throwing away the 200's as surely as I threw away the 300's, but the funny thing is: I don't remember going through this crisis when I was breaching into the 200's. Maybe it's because I hadn't been in the 300's for as long as I've ALWAYS been in the 200's. I'm terrified and I feel like crying, I know it's just a number and the scale is just a tool, but I feel sometimes like the burden of responsibility to get to, and stay in, the 100's is something I need a little more support for. I might be sabotaging myself just until I'm in a situation where I have that emotional support that my poor ol' heart craves.
The scale only shows a number: It doesn't show your worth. The scale DOES show a window into one's own psyche, personal responsibility, health, and self-control though....do I even have what it takes? Once I got over the euphoria of "only 1.7lbs to go!!!! I've done so well!!" I realized the doom-weight of "Oh my god, did I do this? Can I do this? Have I DONE this?" was looming just over my head, hanging from a single glittering thread...
Eggs out, because I just don't know how much longer I can type my heart out not knowing if anyone is sitting on the other end...
xx
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